First comes the smell in the breeze;
That sharp, but subtle scent.
The leaves show their backs in the trees,
Whistling their eerie lament.
A bolt of lightening splits the sky;
The blue ripped through with light.
You pull me close, let time slip by,
Your scent musky tonight.
The storm grumbles remote disdain.
Your azure eyes flash childlike glee,
Light up as we run from the rain
And the thunder's symphony.
The raindrops start to kiss our hair,
Melting in their flight.
Your rumbling laughter fills the air,
Booming into the night.
Suddenly you end the race,
Still laughing as you do,
Drop kisses on my upturned face;
To mirror the rain's tattoo.
The storm rampages all around,
But the strength of your arms prevails,
And wrapped in the fury and sound,
We dance with the wrath of the gales.
Author notes
I was in a romantic mood. Each part of the story echoes aspects of the storm (smell, light, etc.). Hope the metaphor works!
Parts I have issues with: line 2 of stanza 3, last stanza. If you have ideas about those parts, suggestions would be REALLY helpful.
A contest entry
- *-Hold my hand and never let go-* by crushed.
500 points, ended October 10, 2007, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 6 Options-Come and see, I know you want to! by WonderingForever.
1200 points, ended October 23, 2007, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love. by I will stand by you.
600 points, ended October 30, 2007, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best poem! by jewlinz.
460 points, ended November 7, 2007, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Awkward parts? Changes you'd make? Rhythms/rhymes that are off?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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OK WOW COOL
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Hi,
You have picked one of my favorite things....Lightning storms.....My “Nervous Breakdown of the grocery store variety” has the same backdrop and for whatever reason it remains one of my favorites.
After reading your poem several times, I noticed the difficulty I was having because of the lack of punctuation. You used only two commas????? Why bother with those two.....It amounts to lazy writing.....You also inconsistently use those important little words like” to” and “and”.
I like your metaphors. Your rhyme scheme is a little ordinary.
First comes the smell in the breeze
That sharp, but subtle scent
Tell me what the scent is like, rationalize it out if you have to(what am I smelling-Ozone/ what does it smell like-like metal in the air/ is there a better way I can say that-The air smelled like sucking on a penny/any better than that-The quickening wind tasted of whipped penny’s against my teeth/Better still-The quickening wind tastes of copper, it’s subtle sharp scent ....You will have to take it from here
The leaves show their backs in kind,
Whistling their eerie lament.
You used several Th sounds especially at the beginning of sentences....And It doesn’t come off as alliteration
The flash of lightening splits the sky
A bolt of lightning splits my eye;
The blue ripped through with light/ I like this line better now that both are a little obtuse, and it makes for an interesting rhyme.
You pull me close, let time slip by
Your scent musky tonight/ This line sounds forced because of the rhyme
Your scent, a musky ?(delight, highlight, fright)
The storm grumbles remote (disdain)- this is OK but an oncoming storm is more likely to be looming or foreboding.
Your blue (azure????) eyes flash a childlike glee/ You are allowed to use more interesting words in poetry without sounding like a stuffed shirt.
At he menace of the gathering storm
Light up as we run from the rain
And the thunder's symphony
Unfortunately when you change some words it also changes the rhyming scheme....
I like what you have done so far.....and “The raindrops start to kiss our hair” is sublime...There is something very sensuous about two lovers caught in the rain...They used it in 9 ½ weeks....
So find a thesaurus and a rhyming dictionary and begin to tweak...........TTFN Love Laurel -
omg,
this is amazing.
and im speechless to make any further point.
i hope you win.
♥.lovelove.
PrettyLady--x
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wow...such a lovely poem...I loved how you unravel a very intimate scene full of great images of the storm...nicely done...bet you're really a romantic poet!!!
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This is a really good poem! My favorite lines would have to be: The raindrops start to kiss our hair
Melting in their flight
Your rumbling laughter fills the air
Booming into the night
Good luck in the contest! -
Nice.
I enjoyed this poem. Seeing as how I am romantic and love thunderstorms on most days, this fits rather well. Though this poem did exceed the 20 line limit I will still consider it. Good luck and thank you for entering my contest.
-crushed -
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oh no I completely didn't realize that it was over 20 lines... I knew not being able to count would screw me over someday...
sorry about the mistake, and I understand if you have to take off some points for that. I should have paid closer attention.
thanks for taking the time to comment on my work!
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Great work
I like the metaphor, there is nothing quiet like experiencing a storm from a position of comfort. It lends itself very well to a romantic situation in so much as it adds a further layer of closeness and depth to the experience.
I agree with your own thoughts particularly with regard the line "You pull me close, whisper goodbye" i thought maybe something like "Let time slip by" for the last half of the line. really think "goodbye" does not fit in.
I must admit i like the freedom of free verse and find it difficult to help you with any meaning alternatives. sorry
My favorite verse is the first i think it is a lovely use of words.
"First comes the smell in the breeze
That sharp, but subtle scent
The leaves show their backs in the trees
Whistling their eerie lament"
It is true you can smell a storm.
i think you have done very well with this poem thanks for sharing it.
all the best
perdix
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thanks!
wow what a helpful comment; it's so rare to find truly good critiquers!! Hope you don't mind, but I think I will use your recommendation of substituting 'let time slip by' for 'whisper goodbye'. I was really struggling with that line. All credit to you of course you'll be getting more comments from me soon, and I can't wait to read more of your work!
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This is really excellent, I love it, very romantic and sweet and upbeat and realistically happy rather than all gooey (if that makes sense). I like the rhyme and flow throughout, it gave the poem a very nice feel to it.
I'm not sure the third line of stanza two fits...as he says goodbye but then you continue to be together.
Maybe
"You pull me close, right by your side"
But I don't want to tell you how to write your poem as I liked it a lot!
The first and 4th lines of stanza 3 are plain awesome! Thunder's symphony - beautiful. And the first line of the next stanza too, in fact, the whole stanza.
My favourite line though has to be: Drop kisses on my upturned face - that is just magical . The last stanza is very nice but it doesn't quite fit with the rest. I think "As we dance" would work better than "To Dance" and you could use storms instead of gales so you could have "Each heart, to the other, warms" - though I'm not sure if that line is any better!
I hope that helps in any way and I'm sorry if it didn't. Great poem - keep up the good work and take care x
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Oh wow that is absolutely adorable. I really enjoyed this poem and I thought your rhyming was done extremely well. You write very beautifully. This really did allow me to picture two lovers embracing under the rains gentle mist. Absolutely breathtaking.
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