Darkness rising, calls to me,
Be still, my beating heart.
Hate subsiding, leave me be,
The darkness is my art.
Embracing darkest thoughts within,
A door that stands ajar.
Chasing childhood fantasies,
So near and yet so far.
To touch upon the darkest mind,
My fingers numb with cold.
I touch upon a world within,
And feel its grip take hold.
Chattered teeth and numbing pain,
My flesh is torn apart.
I feel reborn inside my mind,
Embrace my lonely heart.
The door I spoke of stays ajar,
So soon to open wide.
Engulf me in its blanket cold,
With no where warm to hide.
Each time I leave, is harder still,
To tear away and roam.
The saddest truth of all to bare,
Within my mind, I’m home.
Author notes
This piece started off life as a poem & has since developed into a song...
In a list
A contest entry
- PIF - Two 4 One Prewrites by apoeticinjustice.
1240 points, ended May 2, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A lil somethin somethin(Please read updates if you havent! Sorry for any inconveneces) by DogTagz-TheJalapeno.
315 points, ended June 6, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - personal favorite by Virgoan.
2000 points, ended June 9, 2008, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Wonderful rhyme. You are a master at it. I hope to be able to read and read forever on all of your wonderful writes. There is no way I could revise something that speaks to the heart so well. I do understand the delving into the inside and all of the pain that comes with it. Some people have more to contend with than others.
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cool
a sweet write fritz........
you be a rock star as well as a poet....hehe
well done
xxx
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This is the first poem by your hand I'm reading so I'm not too biased yet... However, I checked your fractured persona site (which I liked smehow).
Um, for the poem: I enjoy the regularity in rhyming and metre here. Concerning the content, of course the last two lines pull away the floor under my feet. After what you've written in the People with Disabilities group this somehow appears to be close to personal experience (correct me if I'm wrong) but writing seems to help you out. I hope that everything's going well for you. Have a joyous Christmas time.
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I love the darkness of thoughts you have penned
the flow on words that speak
the imagery within them states the endless corridor to life and to the ending that you are home.
A mind full of sorrow and every questioning..
I can visualize the music that fits the words
Best wishes my friend and keep on creating
Julie
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Spiff write.
I don't like your repetition of the word numb. It loses it's punch the second time. Same applies to cold too. I don't like the first line of the third stanza. It doesn't flow right. I think that's mainly attributed to 'I spoke of.' That has no place in your poem. If the reader can't figure out you are alluding to the previously mentioned door then they cannot truely appreciate your work. Other than that I do believe the lyrical flow is pretty which is a great contrast to your subject.
Yink
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Lovely Write
This was an amazing read, your imagery and choice of words is oustanding, really enjoyed every piece of your poem.
Felt every emotion you displayed so perfectly.
Outstanding piece.
You are really blessed with a great gift
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well done
I liked the way you wrote this poem-read it a few times
" the door I spoke of stays ajar"-liked that line
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wow, very emotional. i love the imagery you've created with your words.
"Engulf me in its blanket cold,
With no where warm to hide."
love it.
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The most striking feature of the poem is its amazing cadence that pushes you forward till you reach the end of this beautiful piece of art.
The second striking element is the beauty of its vivid images:
"Embracing darkest thoughts within,
A door that stands ajar.
Chasing childhood fantasies,
So near and yet so far."
The third beautiful feature of the poem is its lyrical, subjective, and sensitive treatment of the theme, with an obvious intensity of emotion:
"To touch upon the darkest mind,
My fingers numb with cold.
I touch upon a world within,
And feel its grip take hold.
Chattered teeth and numbing pain,
My flesh is torn apart."
I also liked the splendid expression 'blanket cold' in the last stanza.
It is, undoubtedly, a fantastic poem.
Rahi
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i like the second stanza the most
this is nice
keep sharing your gift
HENSLEY
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That had alot of emotion. Good job. Good luck on the contest!
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This is a great write, I love the rhythm and rhyming of it and the thoughts that it evokes within me. Excellent.
Rory
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Bravo! Bravo!
(a standing ovation)
this is superb!
I love it, I love it, I love it!
~Pastel
Had to read again!
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This is a powerful piece, truly awe inspiring, very well penned keep it up
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Wow. This sounds like something I would have written, so you have my props. Well written, imagery is perfect along with the flow. Depth is there and it's raw, which is just what I like to read. Perfect, really.
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This is Fantastic
The rhyme and meter are perfect,
but that is not all that makes this poem
incredible, it's the intensity of
the raw emotion, The visual, your well placed
lines, and well crafted words left in my head, and in my heart.
I love this !
~Pastel
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Hey Pastel,
Thanks for the kind words, appreciated as always.
This one has actually developed into a song recently, the music goes great with it.
Was kinda hoping you'd find it one day, it's one of my personal faves.
Thanks again,
cheers,
Fritz...................
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One of the best poems I have had the privilege to come across randomly, very well written!
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