I used to imagine rays of bright red sunshine
out by the coasts of peace and redemption
I closed my eyes; jumped into the jet black sea
consumed in the night is how I fell safe
maybe I just like rejecting you like you were a drug
when one door closes, another window opens
but this little disfigured boy isn't tall enough
he can't reach up to the window; out to the world
they say it's for the best of all, since a boy like him
is bound to starve from lack of optimism in no time
twelve, nine and seven seconds over forgotten
the world is a small figment of my 'imagination'
and I'm only a figure of speech, never used, never understood
So where do we go from here? Left? Right?
straight forward is the only logical direction at the moment
characterize me, make my typical like everyone else
this little disfigured boy simply wants to be normal
but who would open the door, to such a natural mistake;
even mother nature and 'god' make mistakes
the society has changed, evolved into something less
I open one door and everything else closes
too bad, I picked the wrong door
I'm sorry
we would've made one hell of a world together
but I never remembered to pocket Lady Luck when I had a chance
and now luck is only available to the beautiful people.
A contest entry
- ( ! A N Y T H I N G ! )*~*~PRE-WRITES are OK ... 203;203;203;203;203;203;​​R by xxlisajazminexx.
425 points, ended October 9, 2007, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Real Poetry Contest by Oedhel.
525 points, ended October 20, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - *~Watching Paint Dry~* G-400, S-300, B-200, HM-2 people by Oktobere Sahnge.
900 points, ended December 15, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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phew, washishizle...
~Technical criticism:
' make my typical like everyone else': guessing 'my' should be 'me'?
~Poetical criticism:
Not sure if this is about a lost love due to lack of physical attribute or about the world's rejection of a disfigured being. Could swing either way.
~Favorite line:
'but who would open the door, to such a natural mistake': I love how 'mistake' and 'natural' are used together. The question also makes you think quite deeply.
~Overall:
Good write. Seems as if it were written quickly, though.
Best of luck
Lysander
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Results...
Unique- 4/4 Very nice. Well done. I feel the emotion in it.
Rhythm- 2/4 It sounds a little more like a run on sentence, like some ideas run on for a whole stanza but there’s no rhythm to it if it were read out loud.
Wording- 2/4 I was caught up on this one because its 50/50 some parts are worded well but others are lacking and there’s no array of vocabulary to make up for it.
EOR- 3/4 This is where I gave you points for the well worded lines.
Final Score- 11/16 Some parts are nice. Just try to limit thoughts to a maximum of three lines and make a more clear break when you change thoughts. Some sentences didn’t flow very well, but overall you did pretty well. -
so sadly written.......
sometimes it takes a person pure of heart to see true beauty and just because the ones you want to see it dont... doesnt mean that no one ever will you just havent found the right person to love you.. for you....
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THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ENTERING THIS WONDERFUL PIECE INTO MY CONTEST!!!!!!!-----
WISHING YOU MUCH LOVE----
AND GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XxLisaJazminexX
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