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Virgin Imprisonment

The inconsistency of sugar coated dreams
Steals her every thought
As she lies there
Unable to move
Being held down
Of what she thought was love
Was now a force
To be reconed with

Trying not to feel
As he thrusts harder
With pleasureable force
Pleasureable in his mind
Terrified in hers

Tears try to escape her seemingly
Past unregretful eyes
As she holds back the screams
In the bottomless pit of her sickened stomach

Longing for the end
Of what seemed like eternity
To let go of her
As she will escape
Never to be seen by his demanding eyes again

Author notes

This is just a freeverse I threw together, nothing about me, just words on paper.

A contest entry

I want honest opinions on this.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • trista gold member
    February 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well firstly, I’m glad this isn’t a personal write! You have a good presentation and title, but I do think there are a couple areas this could be tightened up...

    I know it is often a matter of personal style, but I think punctuating this would go a long way in improving the flow, also helping to clarify your thoughts. It becomes especially difficult to know where one thought ends and another begins when there isn’t punctuation AND each line is started with a capped letter.

    “pleasureable” should be “pleasurable”, and I would also suggest not using it twice. It puts a lot of emphasis on that word, and I’m not sure that is where you want attention focused. Keeping a thesaurus handy is often very helpful just to take a look at what your other options might be.

    Lastly, be careful of cliché phrases like “bottomless pit” and “sickened stomach”.

    There are a wealth of emotions a person would feel if this was happening to them, and while I believe you’ve tapped into a few of them, there seems to be a lack of any real power or impact. That may very well just be me though. You’ve tackled a really difficult subject here, one that requires a fair bit of empathy and finesse, and done a pretty good job of that.

    Thanks so much for your entry in the contest, and good luck. Thanks also for your patience as I get this judged, results should be out in the next couple of days.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • BlackBloodyRose
    October 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    please please read rules. it is a good poem, but rules state no rape.

  • Bob Fox
    October 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Courage

    To write about such pain takes true courage. Being a man I may be out of line. But I say bravo to you & wish you healing

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    October 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I would have prefered a plain background, no pictures even on the side - I like the words to speak for themselves.

    You basis is strong, the emotion and the image but I do feel it could use a bit of tightening. Some of the 'filler' words could be removed to ease the flow.

    Still a nicely done write.


  • Oedhel
    October 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Results...

    Unique- 4/4 Very nice. I never read a poem with this subject matter.

    Rhythm- 3/4 A few lines caught me up, but overall it flows pretty well, just the longer lines causes a hesitant stop when read out loud.

    Wording- 3/4 Worded very well… One or two lines are a little awkward, some vivid working night work a little better, but overall very well written.

    EOR- 3/4 Reads well. just the areas of wording and rhythm affected you here as well. But still very nice.

    Final Score- 13/16 Very pleasurable to read. Great write.


  • xxlisajazminexx
    October 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    i am so happy that this wasnt about you!!!!

    and that you could write something so wonderful when not having experianced it before is truly a great thing... not what it was about because thats heartbraking but it was a very well wriiten piece i must say!!!!
    -----------------------------------------------
    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ENTERING THIS WONDERFUL PIECE INTO MY CONTEST!!!!!!!-----
    WISHING YOU MUCH LOVE----
    AND GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    XxLisaJazminexX

    __________________________________________________________________

1 - 6 of 6