I trudge through each day
Alone in my life
Because he refused to stay
He built me up to start
He let me fall
When he chose to depart
I can't let go of him
He's always there
I guess I was a whim
He took my lasting devotions
Tore my heart
He played with my emotions
Everyday I think of us
What we had
He won't even discuss
He is with someone new
I am alone
She does not have a clue
He makes believe we never were
He played me
He still can make my heart stir
He is doing very well
I am not
I am in HELL
Author notes
"things we lost in the fire"
Not my best but I am too drained to feel it right now - i am sorry
A contest entry
- Things we lost in the fire... by Jai Guru Deva.
500 points, ended January 26, 2008, 85 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Haha "not my best but I am too drained to feel it right now."
If you're too drained to feel it, then why enter a contest where emotion and imagery were the key things I was looking for?
I'm sure you're an amazing writer. There are bits and pieces of this poem that show great potential, but overall the whole thing is too choppy, too forced, and too cliche.
Good job and good luck.
All my love, DxD -
LOVE THE RHYME SCHEME IN THIS PIECE AND THE DARKNESS...CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THE DARKNESS...ANYWAYS THIS PIECE HAD A REALLY GOOD FLOW TO IT AND i THINK THAT I WILL ADD IT TO MY HALL OF FAME POEMS....I ENJOYED READING THIS VERY VERY MUCH
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Honestly amazing!
Yes! This is great: very passionate with enough class and style to avoid falling into a cussing bout. You've hit all the angles of this subject and worked natural rhymes into it without forcing one of them. I've never seen the three line stanza before, and will have to try it myself. Thanks for that idea.
On a personal level, I can totally relate to this message since I was once bedazzled by a narcisist. Let's chat some time, if you'd like. You might like a poem of mine on the recovery from this kind of pain, called "The Big Black Rose".
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it's incredible, i like this poem, i can relate to what you're writing. except in place of a boy there is a girl, haha, great work... :]
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