Today something cold
touched my shoulder.
It danced the curve of my neck
like the ghost of a spider,
and breathed into my ear.
It makes me wonder
how many years it must have fought
to find me here.
Did it travel by sea,
through tempests and tides?
Or did it take a longer way
west from Illinois,
north into Canada,
across the High Sierras,
making a mad curve
(perhaps taking the jet stream;
interstate of the whispers)
straight into Mobile?
Did it get lost?
Or did it wait intentionally
for me to walk this lonely street,
hands in jeans -
completely unprepared
for a voice that belonged to
three years ago:
"will you be here?"
and the painfully instinctive response
from a voice that will forever belong
to today:
"always."
is the revision better or too wordy?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I dont know what the original was but I dont believe this piece is to wordy. as for helping with any kind of punctuation im not sure I know what that is LOL
seriosly though this was well written and I have missed reading you
huggles
Lena -
I see nothing to change here ...
punctuation wise. I think I'd change "Californian Rockies" to "High Sierras" though. "Californian Rockies" sounds a bit mundane. -
Fluent
Beautifully expressed. It's not too wordy to me. But the poem's perfection is up to you, and if it is still too wordy to you, I'd like to try to help.
Remove "traveling" in line 12?
Change "taking" to "on" in line 16?
...
I remember you saying, months ago, that you were hoping to become fluent in free-verse expression, as you are in rhyme and meter.
Congratulations. You're there.
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I believe it's perfect as is ...
but I don't know what the previous version was. I don't think it matters though. This is perfect.
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I found one of your comments on an old poem of mine, and I thought I'd come see what you were up to poetry-wise. And I have to say that I am completely blown away. This poem is absolutely beautiful, and made a thousand different emotions well up inside of me. Usually I could find something to critique, but there is nothing I would change about this. Welcome to my favorites list. : )
- Solaris
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amazing.wow.This is good.
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oh, cor...
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One of your best.
Geez.
No words.
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it's amazing that people can have such a monumental effect, that three years later you're still writing and being affected (and effected) by them. and it's odd that i nearly wrote a similar poem for you yesterday.
love that ending. love it.
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