Today something cold
touched my shoulder.
It danced the curve of my neck
like the ghost of a spider,
and breathed into my ear.
It makes me wonder
how many years it must have fought
to find me.
Did it travel by sea,
caught up in tempests and tides?
Or did it take a longer way
traveling west from Illinois,
north into Canada,
across the Californian Rockies,
making a mad curve
(perhaps taking the jet stream;
interstate of the whispers)
straight into Mobile?
Did it get lost?
Or did it wait intentionally
for me to walk down this lonely street,
both hands in jeans -
completely unprepared
for a voice that belonged to
three years ago:
"will you be here?"
and the painfully instinctive response
from a voice that will forever belong
to today:
"always."
is the revision better or too wordy?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I believe it's perfect as is ...
but I don't know what the previous version was. I don't think it matters though. This is perfect.
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I found one of your comments on an old poem of mine, and I thought I'd come see what you were up to poetry-wise. And I have to say that I am completely blown away. This poem is absolutely beautiful, and made a thousand different emotions well up inside of me. Usually I could find something to critique, but there is nothing I would change about this. Welcome to my favorites list. : )
- Solaris
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amazing.wow.This is good.
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oh, cor...
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One of your best.
Geez.
No words.
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it's amazing that people can have such a monumental effect, that three years later you're still writing and being affected (and effected) by them. and it's odd that i nearly wrote a similar poem for you yesterday.
love that ending. love it.
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