My Heartbroken Letter

Dear Karl (the one who hurt me so):

You hurt me before but you always were secretly my love;

when I was with him, you were all that I could manage to think about.

You're hands touched mine, static would zoom around in my heart,

when I hadn't seen you for a while- I'd go out of the way to visit you.

Then we started dating each other, we didn't always see eachother a lot,

but then you visited my house [we were already deep in love by then].

But the moment our bodies collided with each other friction was beautiful,

all the aches and pains of all that was going wrong in my life left me,

you were the only thing that could make my day special, no matter what.

We'd just talk to each other when I'd visit your house until really late,

when I felt depressed or you were in pain, we'd just stay in eachothers arms.

I would always think of you, even when I went home, you always stayed with me -

We forgot the past and just held each other close as we were all that mattered.

You promised me that we'd be together forever and that we'd grow old together,

you said we'd have kids and you'd marry me; that the only good thing in life was me.

I know you got ill and you started to feel pain that made you moody and depressed,

but then you phoned me and told me we couldn't talk to each other for two weeks.

I left it because I believed that you'd come back for me, even though I cried at night -

tears were worth it, I just wanted to make sure that you were physically okay.

Then you called up telling me we should have a break but that it was going to be alright,

you still loved me and you hadn't spoken to anyone else in those two weeks and needed to be alone.

You promised me that we'd talk soon, it's just you had tried to kill yourself a few times,

I prayed for you that night knowing that it was going really hard for you right now.

Then our mutual friend tells me you've been speaking to him all along and he visited you,

then another tells me you've said I'm playing mind games with you, another your happy we're through.

I'm getting annoyed and upset about all that's going on - I'm not a bad person you know.

I may be acting erratic and maybe that's what you mean by playing mind games on you,

but I'm messed up and depressed too, because my only love has been taken away from me.

See it looks as if you never cared and the amounts of nights I've spent wishing I wasn't alive,

I've lost all hope in society and in men, because you promised me you'd be there.

I'm in a new college now as the last one didn't work [you suggested I moved here] and yet you're away,

you're not here to do the holding that you used to do and I can't look after you either.

See I am upset but I'm angry too for you accusing me of things and lying to me too,

I am also angry because it's not fair what you're doing; you're in pain and depressed,

but don't you ever think that you're the only one that this thing is damn effecting.

I love you still and that wont change but at the end of the day I can't be mucked about.

I've emailed you and now it's your turn to contact me, for I wont continue to be a fool,

I want you to turn round and tell me that you're sorry and that you do still love me -

that you're just depressed and mucked up in the head and you just want a little time alone.

That you're sorry, didn't mean to hurt me like you are and that you will show me how you care,

but I don't want you to say all these things if they are just a wish deep down from my heart.

See I'm hurting but I'm angry because I looked after you when you're shoulder was hurting,

when you had your azhema attack, when they had to rush you down into the hospital.

I always said I'd do anything to make the pain go away and that I was always here for support,

emotionally I'd be with you no matter what you did, no matter what went wrong.

See when you said you didn't want us to be together I lost all hope in life,

I begun to wonder if living was the best thing for me, I didn't value anything anymore.

I thought, 'maybe I should just die, it's not worth it anymore' and maybe it's not so,

I cried and cried, bit at my skin, I made myself bleed thinking I was just a sin,

I couldn't get myself out of the depression, I thought I was bad to you somehow.

I just lost all belief in life and love when you gave me reason to doubt myself so much.

I can't believe I've got so low, believing that I'm a waste of space and it's all my fault,

but I guess it can't be mine as I done all I could to keep you happy, I did all I humanly could do,

I would do anything right now as well to make sure you're happy, safe and secure.

I want to know and I want us to be together, but things really do need to change -

I did all this for you and you're treating me unfair; I shouldn't be the one to feel guilty.

I looked after you, respected you and done all I humanly could to make you want to stay alive,

but I guess all I have left to do is wait for you to make a move [or to say a permenant goodbye].

Yours lovingly, always and forever,

Stef xxx