As you walked me
to the bus
I remembered
the moment as it happened
all slow breathing
and awkwardness
but it fell
into one piece
somehow, our living
hearts together, our
days around beauty
A contest entry
- anything goes by Cat.
700 points, ended October 7, 2007, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I like this style, what do you think?
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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I have boarded several buses and left a love of my life behind, you nailed it,
it all seems to be a punched ticket mius the holes of two hearts, frozen for all time in the mists of what if??~~~Artis
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Nice poem, but you need to start using full stops lol!
The flow is great and i can feel the emotion. Well done
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it sounds like a moment i want to be in... and this poem takes me in to that moment. a happy thought comes after reading this. thanks for sharing your talent.
blessings and *stomps
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Let me show you how it works
... seriously I think the line breaks could be a bit better, but then I can't hear you reading it and we all have our own rhythm. Congrats on the bronze though. The idea is wonderful.
P.S
maybe a title so it isn't in parentheses?
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Didnt like the poem so much
Hey I didnt like the poem that much to be honest with you... I like the last part of it but I didnt really get the point of the rest. But I´m only 13 so I dont know lol. -
I am just wondering how come you don't have a title for this piece or did you forget it ?
I do like how I feel that I am right there with you sharing the moment. The imagery and emotions in this piece is outstanding.
Well done on the bronze
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The opening almost works like a haiku.... that's very interesting.
3 lines, 3 lines then 5.... almost a revised version of haiku and tanka combined............ this works really well, Kev. I enjoyed it very much.
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a swirl of happiness
not knowing each other well did you then
one more thing done together when
walking together to the bus that day
just one more thing that paved the way...
Tiki Cat
Buy Tiki's Gourmet Cat Food
"Too Good For Humans"
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GREAT
This is beautiful in its simplicity. Such short lines creating a wonderful image of innocence and love.
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hmmm, i dont see the point of it. either there is none or i am just not a good enough analyst. I think you were trying to express the exaltedness of a moment but there is nothing to suggest that the moment was something overwhelmingly special. dunno i might be missing something.
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Well done, this was great.
I'd like to tell you I have some new work on my page since I joined and I think I improved a lot since the last time you read my work. If you like and when you have them time please feel free to check it out.
Amber aka midnight eyes
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Interesting piece, can feel the 'love' about it. Interesting comments here too!Great to share!
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nice job.keep up the good work.I like how it flows.
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great write
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Excellent. Congratulations on the Bronze.
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Wow. I don't think I have the words to describe the brilliance of this piece...the way it all flows down to the very end, where it leads the heart into a crescendo.
The style is fantastic!
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I love happy upbeat poems, and yours made me smile. Yes love is very much like this...awkward, and silly at times...excellent poem, congrats to you on your new shiny bronze
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I like it as well. Though, I find that snippet writing has destroyed my ability to write longer poems with any confidence.
This is sweet, though.
Not certain I would end a line with 'our' Kinda hangs out there awkwardly.
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Although it's not conveyed in this piece.That it centers around a Mother and child's experiance of togetherness. This is what I as a reader hear coming through so tenderly. I suppose it could relate to other forms of relationships as well. Yet it works in beauty of that afore mentioned shared adoration for this reader so vividly.I'm a mom and gran,you must forgive,if I'm misinterprating.LOL~Suseann
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so happy to find you in one of my contests!
If i may- with the title and first line both containing the word as- i think you should consider eliminating from the second stanza
something like:
as you walked me to the bus i remembered
the moment
all slow breath and
awkwardness
I like this piece- I haven't read much of your work and am eager to see what your writing style is
m -
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Hmm, the 'as it happened' has a certain meaning to me of now-ness / living in the moment. Rather than just remembering it later, but being so conscious then even of it's significance and life-existence... And then the first stanza sounds too fast too.. if it were a longer poem perhaps, but the shortness requires a certain languid pace....
I agree though about the 'as' repeition. it is a crappy word, hmm.
While I got a certain amount of story, killing all the metaphors as I thought of them left it with a very odd feeling.... -
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why did you kill the metaphor?
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you are right about the pacing..
perhaps:
you could just dump the as it
the moment happened
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aah, and there's really no title, it's just the default (which uses the first line in brackets), since things really need titles on the site.
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It's a really nice piece. I've enjoyed it.
Aden Recreated
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