A midnight hologram,
exposes in flashes,
its one-second-long transparence.
Wings in motion,
(re)create
orbits of smoke and dust.
Another blind escapade,
microscopic addiction
never to be consumed.
The light-bulb is captured,
breathless
in elastic agony
once again.
Author notes
prompt: insects
A contest entry
- coffee, cigarettes, insects, & bones by DrunktankLullaby.
440 points, ended October 9, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pimp up my honorable mention or trophyless by leander.
400 points, ended December 4, 2007, 86 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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"elastic agony" - that's an original phrase.
Congrats on the bronze trophy.
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so awesome!
orbits of smoke an dust <.< i think thats my fav line but i loved the whole thing WTG~!
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Love it! This is such a clever write about insects. Your wording is perfect. Congrats on the trophy. Much deserved!
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wow
that was awesome and all i really can say is...wow. -
whoa...that's pretty funky. i liked '(re)create'. this poem has a really good feeling.
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"The light-bulb is captured,
breathless
in elastic agony
once again."
Strong ending. But I loved the whole thing! Well done sista! I love the abstractness going on here! Keep em comin!
Creatress
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Hang on a second, the prompt was 'insects' and you came up with this poem?
what a great write you got here!
Definately enjoyed this one a lot!
thank you for entering this one too!
Leander -
"A midnight hologram,
exposes in flashes,
its one-second-long transparence."
Fading away? Never fully gone, but never really there. "A blind escapade..." sounds like everything done is really for naught. I'm on my way but I don't know where I'm going!
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wow it's like looking at ghost through your words very well done!
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Ohhh this is great. very vivid imagery, and a unique take on the prompts. I think you're the only one who ONLY used insects.
I love mentioning insects in my pieces. IDK why... I just do. &it was nice to see it in yours.
"Wings in motion,
(re)create
orbits of smoke and dust." loved that line. loveeed it.
thank you for entering!! -
Wow, beauty!
I was grabbed by the title because I was searching for a title for one of the pieces I wrote last night, and I was playing with the idea of calling it 'nocturnal'.
I really love the rythm and flow of this piece. It lends itself perfectly to an extremely dramatic reading. It feels very grand.
To me, the piece reminds me that we are drawn (as moths to the flame, or as bugs to the zapper) to aparently beautiful things that we can never posess, and that will destroy us.
I feel that the spacing in the last 3 lines feels a little awkward. I might suggest:
- changing it to two lines
"breathless in elastic agony
once again."
or
- making a more logical break.
"breathless
in elastic agony
once again."
For me, each line of a poem should stand out on its own somehow. When I read it, I read it as if I were to speak it, and each hard return forces a pause. I think that a dramatic, and beautiful word like 'breathless' is enough for a line all alone, the tag 'in' at the end of it seems to detract. The next line also becomes significant, as with the last.
lovely piece.
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in what the structure of its end concerns,our thoughts have entwined
thank you for the comment!it means a lot
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