Pure and untouched I sat on your bed
Looking deep into your eyes, Losing myself in love
The storm outside destroyed
So strong and violent But we payed no attention
You held me close and whispered in my ear
"Baby, it'll all be ok" As you pulled me in for a kiss
SO lost in the moment we gave in to desire
What we both wanted, the ultimate act of love
Awkward and undressed, you freed me of my innocence
Carressing my body, As I ran my fingeres down your back
Shaking from fear, But moaning from pleasure
I kissed your neck and whispered "I love you"
The storm outside blew on and on
And so did the storm inside
The wind calmed and so did we
But still you held me tight, and I looked into your big brown eyes
Carressing your face I kissed you gently
"I love you Christopher"
A contest entry
- Semi-Quickie by Loving Hazel Eyes by Forlorn Dreams.
430 points, ended October 7, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes by Angel Of Heaven99.
345 points, ended March 7, 2008, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Celticmoon's and Leander's glue a trophy on my Prewrite by leander.
800 points, ended March 27, 2008, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - JUST TWO DAYS TO REACH 1000 ENTRIES !!!! ( BE A PART OF THIS RECORD BREAKING CONTEST ) by Alex Hex.
300 points, ended May 1, 2008, 526 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your BEST sensual/love poems by perfectsunset.
800 points, ended March 19, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Aww such a beautiful moment of pure
and innocent intimacy. Written with
such love and tenderness.
Thanks for sharing & best of luck -
This poem made me remember the first time I lodt my virginity. So scared but yet wanting at the same time. I especially loved the 1st lines:
"Pure and untouched I sat on your bed
Looking deep into your eyes, Losing myself in love"
NICE WRITE
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ok
ok -
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Told you it would be awkward. Just knowing that YOU read it makes me feel a bit embarassed because it's so personal lol. Told you that you shouldn't have read it.
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wow the word storm is good for the poem for the mood..... but it is used a little much...... LOVE YOU
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When I stumbled upon this, the first thought I had was to hope my eyes wouldn't be killed - lol. I'd suggest another background or font color so that it reads more smoothily (sp?)
Anyway, you have created some great imagery within these lines, although towards the end you have exaggerated a bit with the word 'storm'. There are many other words that grab the same, so maybe you could try and edit that
Thank you for entering the contest - I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
I started to read this piece, but to be honest, this font is absolutely torturing my eyes. Maybe something a bit less bright?
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I fixed it! Lol.
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First allow me to suggest a darker font color as this one is harsh on the eyes. Secondly as sincere as your words are and can be felt one must remember that an over usage of any one word can hinder the impact of a write. Here in this piece the use of the word storm is far too often and too close together in my opinion. Perhaps try finding another word to use in place of it to remove such repetition and add some deeper impact?
Thank you for entering.
Best of luck to you!
Blessings
Bel
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Great job here and I didn't even notice any flaws, maybe It was because I was so drawn in to your poem. Thanks for entering and good luck!
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Congrats on the silver trophy. Though I admired the story you told... you didn't follow directions so better luck next time.
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Quit a moving dramatic story, yet it almost made me go blind!!! you may wish to ajust the fonts, to make it more easy on the eye to read... I loved the poem, as it is nicely done, but it almost blends into the background.
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Reminds me of the first time me and Lily went at it for the first time. It felt exactly like that. Wonder, though you might want to check a few spelling errors (you're missing letters in places). Still a great poem.
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That was gorgeous, Meg... sensual, but not flat out erotic or extravagant. But it really shows how beautiful making love, in its purest form truly is, and should be. "Awkward and undressed, you freed me from my innocence" is a great description. Keep it up Honey Bunch!
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This was amazing! So different for you, SO different... but anything you write is so beautiful. This is a top 10, positively. It was so detailed in a very romantic passionate way. This is what I was describing, what I was looking for. You should write more poems like this. It painted a lovly picture.
Great work Dearest!
Best wishes in the contest!
Kit
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