I remember shrinking down into a tiny knot,
tied to the edge of her closed grave,
wishing that I was an ant so that I
could just snuggle close to her once more,
Alas my flesh was still gigantic,
shadowing the minuscule huddle of my soul
in the shadow of her death,
The world around me was a gray blur,
with the stench of fading roses
and the parade of long black limos
on curved black asphalt,
becoming specks in the distance,
I could not leave her all alone
in this cold drab real estate
for what is no longer in the state of real
so I squatted over the spot just above
her now stilled arms
and watered that mound of dirt with tears.
Dusk slipped quietly in to tap me
on the shoulder and bid me return
to the land of the living
so that the dead could commiserate
with their latest guest
between the canyons of granite
marking their exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Artis
Author notes
things we lost in the fire
In a list
- *Poems to ponder, and through your mind wander, if an hour you'll squander!* • next in list
- Brilliant Poetry by Others • next in list
A contest entry
- Things we lost in the fire... by Jai Guru Deva.
500 points, ended January 26, 2008, 85 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
Maybe a space or two would do this some good. It's a GREAT piece, but I love spacing. Goes a long way in my mind.
Other than that, this was a lovely yet sad piece. Made me think. It deserves the gold it won. Awesome -
I agree fully, this was gorgeous and so, so sad... the first two lines are probably my favorite out of the whole thing. They stay with you for a while, at least with me. I don't really know what else to say except stunning poem and congrats in the gold
Jeanette*~
-
woaaa dude this is GOOD!!! love it!!
-
Gorgeous
The imagery was amazing! I love it.
Trying to appreciate the splendor of the poem itself, without letting the feelings conjured up fade so quickly is a bit of a balancing act. I couldn't appreciate it fully if I didn't let my stupid emotional nature have a bit of time.
I absolutely LOVE the beginning lines:
I remember shrinking down into a tiny knot,
tied to the edge of her closed grave
It's all magnificent, but those lines really stuck out to me.
-
This one really caught my eye. I loved your imagery. I could feel your pain.
-
Oh wow. This is so 'beautiful'. Wrong word given the tone of the poem but it is. The imagery is fantastic.
"Alas my flesh was still gigantic,
shadowing the minuscule huddle of my soul
in the shadow of her death,"
I really liked these lines. The feeling of being so tiny and basic, like an amoeba, in your grief.
Awesome write :-)
-
One more thing, could you please put "Things we lost in the fire" in your author's notes so I know you read the rules and can judge this fairly? I would have to have to disqualify you.
-
Oh my goodness...This gave me chills, tears, and an amazing sense of emotion. I feel your pain. I know the feeling. It's not quite what I was expecting to read from my contest, but it was absolutely breath-taking.
Amazingly done. Good job and good luck.
All my love, DxD <3
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
