Brooding by thrawn at All poetry

Maybe...I should stay...
not allow myself to wither away,
whilst attempting to make the world I abhor,
something more than a mess of closed doors,

I begin to wonder,

why should I try to make up for my blunder,

my greatest 'mistake,'

not being fake.

In this world of ours I wonder,

who will survive and who will fall asunder?

Please tell me what you think

Comments

1 - 13 of 13

By me, right now

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Jason Smith
December 4, 2008

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Good
This poem is very true and well expresses the nature of todays world, what it is like, who we are, what our part in it is. Very well written, its short but it is precise, however it would be advisable to go into a little more detail such as how you believe the world got to be this way and what you intend to do do about it. I believe that the title you gave this poem is especially effective because it expresses the nature of your train of thought.
Very well done, this is a very good write
Hikari Lady
October 10, 2008

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Wonderful, refusing to admit something you know was not wrong and keeping firm ground. I liked the first four lines, keep up the great write!

~Noor
Meej
September 29, 2008
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I like this poem..its short with strong rhyme and a fast flow..i find poems that are long and about being sad or whatevs are too depressing and can get you stuck. i like this poem, becase its invites the reader into your world but doesnt bog them down. good work
piccola
August 13, 2008

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"why should I try to make up for my blunder,

my greatest 'mistake,'

not being fake." nice line. So many try to be something they aren't today. Nice take on the idea
Riamh
July 19, 2008

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I like this
This poem touched me, very soulful and dark. Writing about feelings is som much better than bottling them up, You have a talent, keep writing
BellaD
January 14, 2008

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Good poem!
I like the title of this piece--very fitting. In line four you probably forgot to take out the word "then" when you made your correction. In most places your wording and rhyme flow nicely as in:
then I begin to wonder,

why should I try to make up for my blunder,

my greatest 'mistake,'

not being fake.

but try reading this out loud once more...is there a word or two missing in line three?

Nice work. Keep writing!
Animarising
January 3, 2008
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Solid
This has a real backbone and a very solid emotional core. Good write indeed.
Love of a Bullet
December 30, 2007

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The abhor/door(s) rhyme is played like a New Orleans fiddle, but that was really the only part of this short, smart number that I can object to. There is always the desire to go on and on and on about a subject that really could do with less words. Come to think of it, I have always thought that breaking a subject down to show it from a new light (sort of like cubism, in a way) is the purpose of poetry. To that end, you've done well.

~Das
FaerieDust
December 30, 2007
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Small, but powerful! I felt that some rhymes were forced, but otherwise, I liked it!
Michael A. de Melo
December 29, 2007

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Great
A small composition with a tremendous impact. I really like the lines

"my greatest 'mistake,'
not being fake."

That speaks volumes in itself. Keep being true to you and keep writing great poetry.
ValentineSvetlana
December 26, 2007
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A great message... something that, undoubtedly, crosses the minds of many...
FransB
December 26, 2007

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Short and sweet...with a message of learning. With a write such as this, you can be no 'fake'. Frans
psycho-demonata
October 11, 2007

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i really like ur style
short but really deep
i like the last line "who will survive and who will fall aunder" really makes you think
what i think? no one really surivives and all will fall