The Fallen's Eden (full english)

Author notes

sos In the latin version.This is what it says in english.just for those people who don't want to translate.Took the last spoken part from some guy on youtube. Ok this is also for Random Options by mammas fallen angel it can be revenge (for he is a fallen angel and wants revenge on god)or the supernatural/paranormal.You can pick!

Readers I am once again editing this piece and amazingly enough i need your help! I was thinking of deleting a part of this poem the part of the poem that I think needs to go is: "god spoke to you
he said heaven or hell?heaven or hell?You replied neither...and then.... you fell..." tell me do you think it is worthy of existance? Or doomed to be distroyed and never remembered? Tell me in your comments!!!


http://www.windoweb.it/desktop_foto/foto_dark/foto_dark_394.jpg

~Resident of box 5 /OG

A contest entry

• word bank and pic. inspired by serenity silvermoon. 600 points, ended December 7, 2007, 16 entries
  Honorable mention
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• Dark Pic Inspired by Tattboyspet. 800 points, ended October 11, 2007, 11 entries
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• Prewrites! by aeolia. 380 points, ended January 19, 2008, 116 entries
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• Random Options by Megan Awesome. 470 points, ended November 1, 2007, 23 entries
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• critique by ElvenShadow. 300 points, ended January 23, 2008, 7 entries
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• PRE-WRITES! ROUNDS CONTEST!!! by Luminescence. 525 points, ended March 23, 2008, 176 entries
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• Asleep In The Arms Of Anger by Redrusty66. 500 points, ended May 6, 2008, 15 entries
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• Like a Lamentation...of Sorts by PerfectTonight. 550 points, ended June 8, 2008, 13 entries
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• The Largest Contest On AP!!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx. 3000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 1709 entries
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Comments

• By me, right now

  Adding your comment:
• 
  xxRainbowDawnxx
  July 30, 2008
  
  Edit | Reply
  very creative... did you write the latin version as well? would have no clue how to read it anyway just curious.
• • 
    Audric Beaumont
    July 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    yup started withlatin then just thought heck would it come in handy to have a full eng ver. and from there it mutated.
• intoothandclaw
  June 6, 2008
  
  Edit | Reply

  Very Interesting

  ~Oops, I'm logged into my roommate, who also has an account. This isn't intoothandclaw. It's Lion-Serpent. I'm very sorry about that.
  
  -------
  
  This poem is very interesting. I think I need to read it more times in order to try to resolve some things within myself, but I think I've got a pretty good grasp of it.
  
  I can tell you put a lot of work into this. There are, though, some grammatical things. I'll get into those first, I suppose.
  
  I'm kind of wondering if you're a native english-speaker or not. . .so please answer that in your reply, if you don't mind ^_^
  
  In the chorus introduced in stanza number two, in the second line, it says, "Ominous heart thy tears departs." I think what you meant was, rather, "Ominous heart thy tears depart." Grammatically, that kind of verbal construction of depart is much more correct.
  
  If you agree, be sure to do it in every other following chorus which has that in it.
  
  In the fully English version of your poem, the phrase "a inritus redimio mihi," or, "an abyss to crown me," you have written "a abyss," when it should be, of course, "an."
  
  Those are all the spelling/ grammatical errors my eye caught. I'm a little wary of the Latin in the sense that I'm wondering if you are an actual Latin student, and if all the Latin-constructions you have are correctly created.
  Did you just use a translator to make the Latin parts, or are they actually your own translations of the English into Latin? If you used some online translator, there are going to be a lot of errors, because those little translators don't really translate very well, especially from English-to-*insert language here*
  
  Speaking of the fully English version, I have to say that I have a lot of respect that you put it in pretty plain sight. If it hadn't been included, I think I would have been a lot less receptive to the poem and annoyed that it was written without the reader in mind.
  
  When I read poetry, I'm more interested in the overall meaning, in the deeper symbolic or emotional sense. Especially, I feel that of course, any work of art is a dialogue between the reader and the writer, and that one and other can teach each other. . .and it's through the meaning, and discussing this with each other, that change can happen.
  
  I feel like I'm kind of reading myself into the poem. Which may or may not be a good thing. But, this poem attracts my attention, because there's many parts ofmyself that don't like modern-day religious orthodoxy. It has a lot of personal meaning to it, because of its theme and content. I have some issues I need to resolve in this regard, but that's beside the point.
  
  Through the use of the Latin, when speaking of "heaven" and "hell" you speak of "Mount Olympus" and "the abyss," which adds an interesting layer of depth and meaning to the poem in the sense that we have a mix of the Greek's origin of "heaven," you could say. When I'm considering this, I'm thinking of Nietzsche. I don't know if you know about him, but he spoke of going "beyond good and evil," and he's really pretty misunderstood by many.
  
  But any way, my idea is basically that there is a lot of potential for added layers of meaning. One of those is through the Latin. Nietzsche associated the Greeks with one of the high-points of Western civilization. He thought that through their suffering. . .they became very beautiful.
  
  In his book, The Anti-Christ, he says of Jesus, "The last true Christian died on the cross." To me, the Christian orthodoxy is a direct distortion and degradation of all that Jesus was. . .not all of Christianity, mind you, but as I say the orthodoxy that is dogmatic, rigid, narrow, and self-isolating. . .and frankly, very unChristian in some ways--very intolerant, and the like.
  
  In the poem you speak of "The sin of thy God," the God being the Christian God. Or is it Satan? It's hard to tell. That's not necessarily a bad thing. . .the ambiguity adds something, but I'm wondering how you intended it as a writer? Did you want that ambiguity? If you don't want, you need to elucidate to the reader which God you're talking. My inclination was to think it was the Christian God. . .but I could be wrong just as well.
  
  Any way, I'm guessing I'm just saying that you're inspiring me to explore parts of myself I kind of fear. Thank you, I'm sorry if I'm just kind of rambling. I think the part about the ambiguity will be helpful to you, though.
  
  Basically, I'm trying to interpret the poem. I want to know what your meaning, what you wanted across, when you wrote this.
  
  I really enjoy this poem. It helps me approach my own enigmaticness. So thanks.
  
  Here's an idea. When a reader comes to this site and looks at the poem. . .they are going to approach it in a lot less verbal way than I can tell you meant with the poem. I can feel that this is a song. I like what it is, and I read it aloud actually, which probably helped a lot. But not everyone will do that. Just for fun, or to see what else could emerge. . .you could try doing a version that is more engendered to be a poem as opposed to a song perhaps. . .Just an idle idea. . .
  
  I liked it a lot. I'm looking forward to reading an updated version, or more of your stuff. Congrats on your win. I think you earned it.
• • Audric Beaumont
    June 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Yes, English is my first language. The only way you probably would have thought otherwise was because of so many errors within my writing. Now normally I would be around to correct it, but I have been busy of late and I get most of my ideas within the morning hours (which if noted I tend to act like a drunken monkey when in fact I am sober). I also tend to suck at finding errors within my own writing. Besides that the English The Fallen's Eden for the most part should be at least ok. The Latin on the other hand I can't really say partly because I did not in fact translate this and was done by a translator. I was going to do update my Latin “The Fallen’s Eden” up to par like this one, but again my lack of time comes into play that , and my laziness.
    
    Now I suppose you want some answers to some of your interpretations for my poem. I can see you went into depth within each piece of the poem. I can fairly say when writing this I did not mean to go into such depth. Though I am also very aware that people tend to look at the same thing differently and to that I was not surprised that a few would take it this way. This poem talks of religion and I have to say I’m not really into it. I am more into the mythology of it or the story of how Lucifer fell. Though not to be confused this poem was not about Lucifer as noted by the stanza that said "rising above Lucifer in your quest..." Which would state; yes he is not Lucifer but another renegade angel cast out of heaven or more appropriately named paradise. In the the fallen's Eden Latin poem in my A/n I said a lot about that. This poem was in fact for my own fallen angel called Rebirth for one of my friend’s stories. We made our own history that fit extremely well with the mythology of that of the Christian (or is it catholic?) church that made a lot of sense. If you wish to hear all of it I have no problem of speaking of this I just can't do it now or here. Now I try to keep all of my poems open ended which I think makes the final impact to various readers.
    
    Now as for the "god" bit. Here is the deal there are various gods. I was namely going for the Christian god, but I think a few gods do fall under what the poem and what the reader says what god did. Personally I was going under the fact that god created man and by doing do gave them too little boundaries. Just look around you see what they did to the world and all its various forms. They preformed some great things and some terrible but look on the stanza "Like Adam and eve chose to ignore thou warnings Dead now is their adored Eden." This not only refers to the apple that Adam and eve ate but refers to life now. We see signs all around us of how the earth is going, and we choose to ignore them. I fear that soon we too will be cast out of our Eden. When you read this I suppose you thought of nothing but mythology, and with that in mind you made your assessment. I hope that I gave you a bit more info to think about and I hope that I did answer all your questions (even though I probably did not). At least all your main questions and concerns. Please respond (if you intend to at all) with all the various other questions as well as any previous questions I have yet to answer. Well my only advice I can give is explore the places you fear because that is where your growth as a human extends beyond the point of knowing who you are and then your world would open up further then you dreamed.
    
    
    P.S: I know it is a sappy ending, but whatever.
    
    ~OG
• 
  Redrusty66
  May 6, 2008
  
  Edit | Reply
  Fantastic title. Very nice flow and construction. Powerful imagery gives the piece a nice edge. Excellent use of vocabulary and it kept me entertained. Thanks for the read.
• 
  infernalxfidelity
  April 8, 2008
  
  Edit | Reply
  wow. this was awesome. amazing. i thought it flowed well and was an excellent set of lyrics. great job.
  

  
• 
  Luminescence
  March 17, 2008
  Edit | Reply
  Because of the abundance of entries into the contest... I will not be breaking down the score... but will be quick commenting.... your score is...39 ... out of 40.. thank you for entering and participating in my contest, and good luck,
  ~luminescence
  
• 
  Pisces rainbow
  December 24, 2007
  
  Edit | Reply
  fantastic, well written, it seems you have put alot of energy in this one, it really shows very easy to read awesome God bless

  
• ElvenShadow
  December 19, 2007
  
  Edit | Reply
  first of all, i'd be inclined to change the background and font combination of this piece; it's a little difficult for my old eyes to read quite clearly. haha. the background is a beautiful, fitting artwork for this poem, though.
  
  the old english use of 'thee' and 'thine' is a little off putting in my opinion. it seems somewhat awkward and out of place, if you ask me. perhaps for the first line 'how hast thou fallen?' would work better.
  
  second and third lines are great with their powerful images, although i'd be inclined to take out the periods at the end of both lines, perhaps even inverting both lines so it would read: 'a furious dance drowning the world'. maybe that would flow better.
  
  "Thou has thine eyes " - again, the old english seems a bit cumbersome here.
  
  "Angry as the tide,fallen from grace" - you're missing a space here.
  
  "See how they crumble as your fury collides with the worlds
  God’s world thus it doth crash violently" - i'd be inclined to include some punctuation between lines, and probably some more lines in your piece as well. i think punctuation is needed to show the reader how to read your words, and where to put emphasis etc.
  
  "god spoke to you
  he said heaven or hell?
  heaven or hell?
  You replied neither...
  and then....
  you fell..."
  - i think this part is extremely effective. it would have to be my favourite part of this piece; the powerful irony, with a touch of rhyme & repetition. It all works very effectively.
  i've just seen in your author notes you've been questioning about this section - and proposing to take it out!? no, please don't take it out. it's a powerful and beautiful explosion in the middle of your piece, and definitely deserves to stay there.
  
  i think overall it most definitely could be shorter, and perhaps the chorus etc doesn't need to be repeated. i prefer poetry to lyrics, myself. although it's quite true that this piece as you have it would sound better when sung/to music.
  
  the 'thy, thee' parts need a bit of work, but this poem is quite well written overall. perhaps you could keep the 'god spoke to you' part as the ending, and move the last part into the middle, or cut back on the ending quite a bit (as i feel it would be more powerful and effective while shorter).
  
  thank you for entering this.
  
  xx
  
• • Audric Beaumont
    December 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for that informitive comment. I am not so gifted with ye old english so I was bound to miss some thing.Perhaps I will make a smaller "The fallens Eden" as you said.
    
    ~OG
• 
  Slinky-milinky
  December 5, 2007
  
  Edit | Reply
  wow, i normally hate the "thy ye olde" stuff but this really kept me gripped, even though it was long (i am a goldfish for attention span) it kept on picking me up and bringing me back, u deserve a trophy for this babes...
  
  Ominous heart thy tears departs
  Ye old flower drooped upon the sword and the bow
  Black as thoust raven eyes and heart
  a hole to crown me...
  
  my favourite. x
  

  
• 
  Era Umbra
  November 23, 2007
  
  Edit | Reply

  Well Wrote

  I think you should leave the lines in, granted at first I read it and thought well you could take it out, but it ties it all in really well. The section keeps the flow going bringing in a new idea and responcibility. I would keep it!

  
• 
  Megan Awesome
  October 18, 2007
  Edit | Reply
  I would have enjoyed the latin lol. I had to look at this as though I wan't a religious person. I don't like others religious views getting in the way of what they think about my poem, so I dont let mine get in the way. So the unreligious side of me says wicked good lol. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!!!
  Megan
• 
  Tattboyspet
  October 10, 2007
  
  Edit | Reply
  okay, this has no pic attached and I'm afraid it is rather long for my taste, but thank you for the entry nonetheless
• • Audric Beaumont
    October 10, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    its only the chorus that takes up the spaces.I don't know where you got the pic so i put the discription on my A/N.

by Audric Beaumont

On Oct 6 4:30 PM 2007
Last login 1 day ago

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0 views, 2 visitor views, 90 lines. Age 18

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