White horse is waiting for you,
Black horse is waiting for me
We'll ride their whipped backisdes
Out of the stables where the air itself struggles to breathe.
Start by climbing up the steep hill were no steeple dare stand,
Breezing through the ruins of the countryside
Left exposed to the black,black,black worms on the dole.
Having come to the top we gaze down
Towards the city were fate and death dance together
And love sleeps under grey weeds craving to be pulled out.
Then beyond the misty horizon, I see
A sky, a sky of possibilities
Can you see the world, hidden by a sky of possibility?
Look at them now towering over a haunted skyline:
The mountains of Chile and all the lush vineyards,
Their blood flows through the pure veins of a proud people
They sing,sing,sing ancient songs with their ancestors
La,la,la,laa la-la, la,la,la,laa la-la ay
Ride on further, ride on further I can see:
Golden halls in the living heart of Vienna,
Elegant people dressed in luxury not even their souls could match
A palatial dance-floor which drives death to tears
Come let's put our broken waists together and waltz!
Under shy silhouettes of trees, further I can see:
Stars of a Cuban night glow over Havana,
In an open square caressed by the Cathedral's resilient arms,
Red eyes of warmth offer rum to nature's humble hands
Take this rum,take this rum and drink it,feel it,live it!
Past the empty shells of insanity's cradle, further I can see:
The exhausted valleys breathing serenity into Jordan
In open palaces fit for kings all love is welcome there is no shock
Were the suite looks out on God's land, lover's sit and stare
Come on kiss me baby, I'll put on my veiled disguise.
We tighten the reins and the gallop
Of horses' feet comes to an end.
We look, dream, look, dream, look, dream
We gaze into each other's eyes
And we see the excited glimmer
We had after our first kiss,
And we knew oh we knew
That all this is waiting for you and me
All this is waiting for you and me
It lives for you and me
It waits to meet, you and me
Everything belongs to you and me.
We'll ride, ride, ride
Keep on riding, riding, riding
Across the sky of possibility
Ours is the sky of possibility.
A contest entry
- Entertain Me by EmeraldDaze.
600 points, ended November 6, 2007, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I'm not sure I like the whole "whipped backsides"(which you misspelled) of the horses. Other than that this is pretty good.
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Thank you all for your comments, with regards to the la,la,la's that didn't seem to go down well with a lot of people, I put those in because this is intended to be a song and though they may seem childish on paper I had invisioned something very effective for them when sung.Also thank you for pointing out my spelling mistakes I will see to that.As for the "steep hill were no steeple dare stand" line I do not see it as redundant,they have two different meanings a steeple is part of a church and in the countryside here you normally see a lot of churches and there similarity in sound is intentional again because of the way it would have sounded in song.So thanks again for all your comments they are most appreciated.
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We'll ride, ride, ride
Keep on riding, riding, riding
Across the sky of possibility
Ours is the sky of possibility.
marvelous. -
The plusses are max plus...
offset by minuse which are max minus! Some great lines, original thinking and true craftsmanship coupled with the juvenile lalala's, and the were/where inversions, etc. You're sputtering on the launching pad with all the potential for a first class ride to the center of the literary universe.
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You did well with this. I will agree with a previous comment about being careful with redundancy and spelling. Overall you had great imagery. Enjoyed the trip to your world...
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The Black Black Black worms of the dole, hm, interesting views man!! FOO SHA!
nice write, kind of long so i couldnt read it all.. i like cant read it drives me to boredom.... yea... but good job from wut I DID read
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The first stanza was most intriguing, except for the misspellings and misuse of "were", and I like the specific references to different places, but the la-la's are a little excessive. But the finish leaves me unfulfilled, needs a strong finish, re-connect to the first stanza perhaps.
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Very nice piece!
I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's wonderful to see young people putting their hearts into the art form. I do want to be helpful so I will suggest you be careful with your spelling and a form of redundancy (steep-steeple) in the same line
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what a journey you took me on! I usually don't read such epic poetry as this, but the flow of it had me hooked that I found it easy to keep reading. I also love how you made the analogy between the "sky of possibility", and traveling to different countries, all of which I've never been. have you? --I love to travel.
-Pap.
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superb this is the greatest poem of modern day time... i like the first two lines it really does set the tone for us the readers.. and i like how its in the horses form for i am a big fan of horses im a stale geek for which i work at one but this is a very excelent piece
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i absolutely LOVE the first two lines. It sets the tone for the reader.
and I really really really like line
"out of the stables where the air itself struggles to breathe" that sounds amazing.
I also really like the singing ancient songs with their ancestors, and then the mention of Vienna.
'Dressed in luxury not even their souls could match' ~beautiful.
So much AMAZING imagery. this is an awesome piece. thank you so much for writing it so I could read it!
friggin amazing.
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