I pictured worlds made of her neckline,
as I brushed back hair from the horizon,
and buried a kiss like the sun setting.
This place is darkness, bliss and bedding.
Don't forget how that felt:
to be honest with yourself for a change.
Don't forget morning dew finding you in my arms.
Don't forget that when the shadows of the world pool into night,
and my mind is at rest, at last,
it settles into thoughts of you.
Don't forget me,
from across the room,
where life and conversation looms
larger than I,
the harder I try
the deeper my sighs howl from my tomb.
Just like the dead,
always wanting.
Lest you forget,
don't mind me haunting.
Author notes
I know this is terrible, no I don't actually suck. I just needed to write it.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Now why does it suck?
Is the meter off? not enough metaphor or no rhyme?
It needs noe of these and you know this. Never feel the need to apologize for speaking your heart. If the words are your thoughts and feeling made visual for the world at large to see do not say you are sorry in any form. Sharing your heart and soul takes courage words are not emotions so they are poor substitutes for them. They could create several more volumes of the dictionary, you know new words, and there would still never be enough to describe your heart fully. You spoke it and it rings true...that should be enough for anyone
Yours,
April
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don't put yourself down too much mate, its not the usual glorious whole but there are lines of pure and powerful imagery in there that speak volumes. The first three lines really took me especially,
"and buried a kiss like the sun setting"
the fourth line lets them down though. The sentiment of the rest of the poem is one that is familiar to many I am sure and is why I truly hope you revamp the concept at a later date. I'm sure the fuel is still there to accomplish this.
The poem starts light and ends dark as so often brooding on such a topic does and so the honesty of the write is noted even if it startles the flow.
Far from terrible and there is room for something excellent to grow here. Hope it was cathartic in the writing. Thanks for the read. -
Hey Spring!! Nice write. Been a minute since you graced us. Beautiful flow, wonderful imagery and the subject was led to the reader.
Thanks for sharing. I've missed you.
John
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