Anesthetic for the Heart

I stare endlessly into space
Wondering why?
Why now?
Why me?
Why this?
How am I supposed to stand it?

Over the years my body has become numb
It can’t feel pain

And my heart has made a barrier
The barrier is unbreakable
Immovable

But it can be let down

And once so for you or anyone
It can no longer be raised

Once anyone is in my heart they can hurt me
The only thing they can do to stop it is…
…burn that little part of me that I gave them

If you burn the key it’s gone
As long as you have the key though,
I’m no longer safe

So used to normal pain that it doesn’t hurt
But this pain,
When it attacks,

I no longer feel pain
I live in a world of it
I don’t suffer agony
For he is my brother and is with me always
My tears
Are the children of my eyes
And when my children are gone
I still have lines where they once walked

I feel as if…
As if I never knew love
Because it was always out of reach
That my mind is full of my own misery
And that should I spill a drop I only gain two in it’s place
I feel that if my pain was tangible
I would be crushed by it’s weight
I feel that if my hate and rage were water
I would eternally be lost beneath their waves

As I look for an escape from all this
I find one that has many routes to it
But to go to the end of any of these routes on purpose
I would forever earn the contempt of my family
That I call my closest friends

When I look at this I see
A heart bound to this plane of existence
By chains
That are made of friends

So I stay by my choice
Not because I fear the reaper
But because I refuse
To let my friends walk down my path

Because on my path
Agony is thy brother
Pain is thy best friend
Sadness is thy sister
Sorrow is your favored drink
And hate is your sustenance

And on this path there are other atrocities
Like…
Smiles, are always false
Laughs, are always false and bitter
And the fact that
When you’re all alone
In a cold dark room
Curled up in the corner
Crying
Your tears are all the comfort you’ll get
And when your eyes grow sore from crying
Those clear crystal tears
Take a crimson hue
Take comfort from this
Because once the tears go crimson
You can no longer see the pain
The pain that you feel so acutely

So as you come from the dark
You hear voices saying
Cheer up! At least you’re out of the dark
Now you can’t see your nightmares
And all you can think
The dark holds no surprises
All it does is shield me from the pain of the light
Because I don’t fear my nightmares
I live them

And in my pain and desolation
I see my happy place…

A cool shady place in the wood of my imagination
The leaves have just taken the colors of Fall
And there is a cool breeze

In here I fear no one
Because no one can hurt me here
But I fear myself
Because my misery leaks through

…like water through a rag…

So suddenly my cool shady wood is gone
It’s been bulldozed into a parking lot
Fall has given way to winter
And the cool breeze
Has become a cold biting wind

My mind is my safe place
From everyone else

But from myself?
It’s my darkest, deepest pit of self inflicted hell

Because here,
I see my nightmares take life
Always I feel pain
I see the experiences of joy…
…as they pass me by

In frustration, I pound away at the brick wall with my fist
Only to break bone after bone
But I don’t care anymore
I don’t care anymore

I mean why should I?
After all, I walk down a path
Laden with pain and suffering
And all I have to show for it are the scars on my heart

…all I ask for…
is no more