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[ As she lays, her head gently upon the pillow; ]

As she lays, her head gently upon the pillow;
Her long, black eyelashes come down slowly;
Her eyes slowly disappear;

Lying in her bed, in a dark room, gently sleeping;

She dreams a lovely dream;

This dream is filled with all her hopes;

She has her best friend in her dream;

She has both of her parents, together, alive, and happy;

She has her older sister at home;

Her crush now crushes upon her;

Suddenly dark clouds fill her dream;

The IT appears;

IT destroys all happiness;

IT has taken everything that she loved, and turned it the opposite;

Her parents, both seperated and one of them dead;

Her best friend has turned against her;

Her crush has now shunned her out;

The most important thing is her older sister was gone, like in real life, her oldest sister was out with her "boyfriend" who had convinced her to go with him;

Run away with him, she went without telling her parents, she left a note;

Her younger sister was crushed;

IT had turned her lovely dream into a nightmare;

Suddenly she woke up;

Gasping for breath;

She sat up, seeing it was only a dream;

She looked around, she was alone, in the dark;

She was happy that this was only a nightmare;

She laid back down;

And slowly fell back to sleep.

A contest entry

I hope this is an okay to great poem, if not, then oh well.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Hope Angel silver member
    December 21, 2007

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    I read this before Annie and this is still your best! I love the contrasting lifes in the dream. Great write, keep writing, and good luck in my contest!

  • Hope Angel silver member
    December 17, 2007
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    That was wonderful Annie. I love it. That is one of your best. I really love the story line and the dark cloud part. Great write!
    ~Jade~


  • GMcInnis
    December 16, 2007

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    excellent...

    good. you should add more puncuation to make it an easier read and shorter lines. example: "The most important thing is her older sister was gone, like in real life, her oldest sister was out with her 'boyfriend'" you should add them probably there. I also liked how you ended it, it makes me wonder, will she once again enjoy her new dream or be burdened...


  • CherryOnTop
    December 14, 2007
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    So very talented with this. A nightmare turned into a dream. So very powerful!!!


  • Falling.Again...Xx
    December 9, 2007

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    Beautiful, I loved how you turned it from a happy dream to a nightmare then to a real happy life, cant really say much more!
    -B♥


  • TeenageTears
    November 29, 2007
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    kewl write, loved it!


  • Downloaded Love
    November 6, 2007

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    Hey girlie

    thats cool how her dream turns from good to bad!! good writing


  • LilyRose
    October 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is a beautifully written poem. Loneliness is painful, disappointments darken the night, but please remember you are not alone...i'll always be here if you need someone to talk to. Keep writing, I sense your talent will blossom

1 - 8 of 8