Email to R.J.

R.J.,
Ok listen.. like i said its not that i think your not worth it... I got a job and i have been busy with work... I love you.. and i always will so don't you think i don't.... don't you ever doubt my love Robert.. you just don't understand.. i know it sux to be on the opposite side.. you now get to feel how i felt when you were with Becky.. maybe now you will realize the pain i went threw.. i don't mean to be a bitch.. but it sux huh... i also know how you felt now tho.. and i do realize its not easy at all being torn between the one you have loved all your life and the one you are making a life with.. I guess thats all im doing is trying to live my life.. just like you told me over and over again .. Rj i thought i lost you.. i thought u were gone forever and i was never going to be able to be with you again... You hurt me so bad when i was down Oklahoma.. to leave and know that you wanted to be with her over me .. killed me.. and i tried so damn hard to live with it.. and just deal with it.. but it killed me.. it was like my heart was a black hole and every time i thought about you... it would just get bigger... i was so lost.. i would cry everyday and night .. and beg a pray that maybe a miracle would happen and you would realize how much you loved me and needed me and wanted me in your life.. but as time went on and months went by i realized that was never going to happen again.. i had lost you .. and it was time i moved on.. i wrote you an email then.. i don't know if you ever got it.. but anyways all i wanted was to be loved again.. so i let go of the fact of us being together and i tried to move on...  i met Adrian off the computer in February.. and well i don't know.. maybe it was cause i was in such need of being loved.. but i feel in love with him... He was the first person i ever let myself love other then you.. and it felt good to be in someone's arms again.. and to know i was cared for!

Now what i told you about him was true.. he has a bad temper and he flips out.. when i tried to leave him he said he would kill me before he would let me leave.. so yea he's a bit crazy but i love him... just like you loved becky even tho she was a crazy bitch who treated you like shit... it was you who said she was like a dog who got in the trash and messed everything up.. you wanted to kick it.. but you still loved it.. thats the way it is with me and him.. i hate him at times... i want to leave him... but then i realize how much i love him.. and when i had no one else he was the one there loving me....Its hard to love someone other then you... but i cant just leave him.....

Now there are more times then just one when i i just wish i could leave him and come running back to you and be in arms and know you love me again.. and spend my life with you.. and marry you and have you to the father to my children... but i know i cant just leave him.. i guess again i get to be you and say that.. i cant just leave him.. I'm just living my life.. and that maybe someday we can be together again....

I have tried to call you lots of times.. and well that night when i talked to.. all you would have had to say was how much you loved me and needed me and wanted me in your life and i think i could have done it and left him.. but you said nothing.. you talked about your food.. and acted like you did not want to be talking to me at all.. and that hurt.. i know you love me.. its just you seemed so out of it.. im not blaming you.. its just how it made me feel... In a perfect would we could be with each other but this is not a perfect world.. life is hell.. and im just trying to make the best of it with what i have.. i cant say me and Adrian are going to be together forever.. but i cant say we are not... so sometime in life like you said.. when im not with anyone and your not with anyone. well then we can be together... its killing me to write this because i love you so much.. and i never in my life thought i could give up a chance to be with you, but i have to just well i don't know.. just live my life... i guess... If Adrian fucks up again.. he knows im gone.. but i cant just leave cause i want to be with you.. i cant do it.. just like you could not do it.. and i understand that now!!! I am sorry for everything!

Now with the whole drug thing.. that scares me to hell.. i guess all i can do is pray and hope that you are safe and getting better.. i love you and i don't want anything bad to happen to you .. so please for me.. just be careful... well i guess i best get going.. i am tired as hell and have to get up for work in the Morning.. i will try to give you a call sometime soon.. i should be getting a new cell phone.. so when i do i will give you the number .. ok .. i love you and miss you.. tell Sonya i miss her and love her.. you take care ok... even tho we are not together right now.. i believe our souls will always be together because no matter what you will be my soul mate and my first love...member 2pp+2gether=4ever.. and it will always be that way.. in my heart.. i love you Robert john Snell Jr and i will till the day i die.. please write back.. and don't give up on me.. don't lose your love for me.. i just need well time i guess... I LOVE YOU