Reeling down the gaps of denial
Portals of pain
Effecting all particles existing on this plane
Clinging to control
Full throttle
Swallowing segments of everything
With a wake of nothing down every core
Reality wobbles far from cocksure
Take the monster off your mantelpiece
and escape through the chimney if you have to
One must be on the outside for any chance of rescue
Not catering to cop outs that skew release
And don't forget that I love you
In one piece
A contest entry
- Inner feeling on life by Li snuffles.
430 points, ended December 16, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Whats in your portal?
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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This is really beautiful... I really enjoyed reading this (I know i write this on so many pieces of poetry but i really did enjoy this!).. its a lovely piece*!*
And don't forget that I love you
In one piece
Thats a lovely ending, for a poem with a twist
Thank you for entering*!* -
Ohh lovely and abstract and I love the random rhyming. Great write!
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This is such a brilliant piece of abstract thought. Truly powerful, and thought provoking. I love the imagery here - it is random, but so very intriguing and intense in its portrayal. Excellent write!
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Everything about it flows nicely together, from the background to wording.
It did kind throw me when you changed from the astral maybe even a metaphysical feel of the poem to the 'escape throughyour chimney".
The poem reads to me like a message about the self destruction of man/woman. ??? I don't know for sure though.
Definatley leaves me thinking and in my opinion it's a good thing to leave your reader thinking.
All around great write!!!
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good use of the word 'cocksure'. that's a tough one to insert smoothly in poetry. same goes for 'skew'. great ending line
if this were left aligned and had a few different line breaks it would present itself better. you've got the words going and presentation/format really counts.
a solid write all in all
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dmt
this reads like a bad trip on 5 mao dmt, an out of body experience for sure. nice job at illustrating such.
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I think this is a well written poem and somehow this inspires me to the next level...Thank you
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too bad you said 'you probably don't get it.' Do youy realize you shape people's opinion about you and their perceptions by saying this kind of thing? this is very good poetry. You should just write and let people judge for themselves, and then you will gain true confidence in your poetry because you will see how it is really affecting those around you. I think this is great poetry. Some times poetry is not meant to be straightforward, and this is a good illustration of that.
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even when it's just for you...
it's not that good. -
As Per Everyone Else
No idea what this poem is about, makes me want to escape, from what? Again..I dunno. I do like the way you put words together and the fast pace of the poem. It was fun to read..even if I didnt come away with a new thought/insight. -
huh, this piece really struck me
I'm not fully sure what it means yet but I loved the first line "gaps of denial" and the last line
Also, great background! -
i confess that i have no effing clue what youre going on about... but i liked it anyway.
"reality wobbles far from cocksure"
loved that line, and
"and dont forget that i love you"
fantastic ending, so different to the rest of the poem, great contrast, although im sure it would have been more effective if id known what the rest of it meant...
all in all, well done -
I often wonder about those that demand comments. From past experiences, I know that those who demand comments are the least likely to appreciate those that aren't merely praise--
but, the title does state if you click, you comment and it is featured in the critical feature box--
Any subject, even those done to death (love, heartache, emotional distress), can be written to look original. Might take a bit more work than something not so commonplace, but that is a poet's job. This really doesn't do that.
I do love the use of cocksure. One hardly finds that particular word in poetry, so it is refreshing to read. Portals of pain, on the other hand, has been used until it is bleeding. As gaps of denial and clinging to control, truthfully.
Why center align? Honestly, I believe this piece would work better with an original format (left align, spaces, indents... so forth and so on. But please, for the love of all things holy, no dirty pretty crap).
This is a tell poem. It doesn't use concrete images (or any images, really) but wobbly metaphors. Devil on the "mantle"piece was a pretty neat thing, though. That would be a good place to insert some imagery.
The last line really throws out any idea the reader had throughout the rest of the poem.
Nice use of cocksure, though.
Nice poem.
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hmmmm no grammar mistakes that I saw! I liked the alliterations I saw, they were neat, not overpowering or forced sounding. The only thing I was a little unsure of was this. You used alot of space-type imagery; portals, particles, planes, and it was all matching up til stanza 6 when you go into imagery that is homey: mantles, chimneys. I'm not entirely sure it matches up. I think you were going for a sort of ambiguity, hints of deeper meanings but leaving it up to the reader to pull out truth. You certainly achieved it if that's what you were aiming for! Thought you did a great job matching the background with your poem. Overall, I liked it. Good imagery, great alliteration, and you have a smooth writing style that flows off the page.
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Love everything about this poem, from the format, the title, to the background. All falls together to create a piece of startling poetry that caught my attention and let me escape for a few wonderful moments. Excellent.
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hmmm... good... very good!
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I really enjoyed the format of this. I think the idea of having a portal to something is an awesome idea to write about, but portals of pain seems a tad cliche.
Swallowing segments of everything
With a wake of nothing down every core
Reality wobbles far from cocksure
Are by far the most powerful lines, although the very last lines leave you with an unexpected great ending. Overall this is great. Bravo.
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This reminds me of my style. I love nearly random seeming outline but there is a flow that makes it not random. Obscurity is always good but done so in a straight forward manner. To me it is about the horrible changes brought forth by arrogant men. The last line is great.
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Extremely Powerful!
This is a charged poem! It felt commanding in a way.It was as though it said, "Do you see me now!" I liked this poem and I usually don't read poetry like this. Thanks for a great read
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The imagery and ideas expressed were great and I really liked the themes brought out with each line. The lastline was the most powerful to me.
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Wow that's amazing!
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Wow. I like it. It's very... strange. I looooooove the line "Reality wobbles far from cocksure". I like it. One thing that I think might simply make the poem a look a little more thought out, is to capitalize the first letter of each line and get rid of the & sign--replace it with the word. I dunno, just a personal preferance thing--right now it has the feel and the imagry of a finished work, but it reads like a note. Anyway, really like it! Good job!
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ya I was not so sure about the formant myself. thanks for the comment!
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another amazing piece of art!with every line,it spreads so much emotional energy!well done again,sister!
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i really like this. it flows very nicely and it makes me feel racey and fast... not sure if thats what you were going for or not, but it definitely feels almost like a thriller movie w a lot of action and suspense. the metaphors are great too, very creative.
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