Some sort of statement
Fully aware of my identity, responsibility, I declare that the patience
with which
I accepted that life is so insipid, not amusing at all, ,
decreases
inch by inch.
It’s time to clean this gun in my hand, point it to my belly,
put on Nirvana,
have a Smirnoff,
correct the mistakes in my farewell letter to the foundation
I endowed,
and shoot off.
Nothing can change this, my life’s a shit, caustic shit,
a shit is
every day.
This rhyme’s wonderful.
God, I love you.
Ask me to stay.
Author notes
Written October 4th, 2003
A contest entry
- October New Members- "Chin Up" Poetry Contest - Hosted by The AllPoetry Greeter Staff by CookieZeal.
300 points, ended November 3, 2003, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Yes, a good poem, very descriptive of how you feel.. and for me it does hold hope... with those last lines...'God
I love you, ask me to stay'
This is a person willing to die yet asking for a lifeline. As for the the no-no language....shit is the only thing I saw... and it surely does describe some days, doesn't it... but rules are rules..... maybe you could substitute with 'pit' ... somedays are sure the pits.
Over all it's a very good poem
Welcome to allpoetry and good luck in the contest
Dee -
I like the last lines of this poem :
"God, I love you.
Ask me to stay"
I cannot think of anything that might be more inspirational that can be put into so few words...I don't about the profanity, doesn't bother me within this context but if the rules said none then I can give you some alternatives if you like! Welcome to AP and good luck!!! -
my comment is
you can't wait for god to ask you to stay
because he won't
you have to ask yourself to stay
good poem -
I'm guessing this has been tidied up, because nothing in it stood out as vulgar to me. I'm not against it myself, but rules are rules, right?
I liked this, even though it didn't really have a feeling of hope to it. Maybe that's why I liked it. My own poetry is always in this kind of mood, so I could relate. I liked the contemporaryreferences to Nirvana and Smirnoff.
My only suggestion would be to change the text colour, as it gets lost in the background you've selected. -
Revision would be a good idea.
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i agree with the above to comments as well
please revise and then I will comment further
peace be with & blessed be;
shaggy wolf
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Yes good poem, but review the vulgar words and use something less offensive. It does explain things well.
Lakota x -
Please review critically
This would be good, but I expected NO vulgar language. You are welcome to edit all expletives and substitute if you'd like. Thank you! CookieZeal
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