Yes to the day that you went away, leaving me so low, my emotions too strong to show,
barely bearable, you left me so, heart stings of bitter tears, my eyes wept and my shadow has an edge, crispy blue eyes that shed painful tears the drops that gather amongst my own fright that you left me so spare.
Lather on the sinful sorrow, hope for yesterday burns for tomorrow, hope you given to my soul that I treasured above everything you had said love was only ours and I know, you hadn't been genuine, your heart had a missing piece, the piece I could not fill, but its the piece you have taken from me.
Unforgiven hatred glare I'm forced to smile a gleam of despair. A flame flares a fullfillment so empty, I crave your attention I can't seem to get any, I lost the love that made life worthy to live, to you I die, its my soul I give.
A contest entry
- Make Me Perfection by adsaige.
600 points, ended October 12, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think :-)
Comments
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Judged
First off, to make an impact, you might want to break this up into uniform lines like:
Yes to the day that you went away,
leaving me so low, my emotions too strong to show,
barely bearable, you left me so, heart stings of bitter tears, my eyes wept and my shadow has an edge.
It's much better on the eyes and visualing appealing. This doesn't feel "emo" do me and it doesn't really potray the emotions, the message you were trying to get across. So I'll tell you what...re-write this, use my advice, take the most powerful lines to you, the ones that represented what you were saying the best, and make it longer, more uniform, more imagery, and tell me a story to make me believe you.
Thank you for entering and good luck.
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