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My Darkness

Missing image

As the sun slowly sets
my eyes open wide.
With the world covered in darkness
I no longer have to hide.

 

I'm a vampire turned inward
sucking myself dry.
Numb of all emotions
I've forgotten how to cry.

I hit the door on a mission
that has brought me to my knees.
Desperately seeking the potion
that I hope my pain will ease.

I come home in the still of the night
with my best friend in my hand.
And all my pain falls through a hole
like an hourglass full of sand.

A temporary reprieve
from a lifetime of pain.
Hiding from reality
has driven me insane.

With the coming of the sunshine
the glass runs out of sand.
I put myself and the monkey to sleep
until darkness comes again.

As the sun slowly rises
I bid the world goodnight.
I'm a boy living in darkness
and a man afraid of the light.

Author notes

http://saarl.deviantart.com/art/The-Hourglass-107987716

I am no longer the person in this poem. I have been clean and sober since
March 31st 2006


 

 

 

Addiction

 

 

In a list

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 79 of 79

  • Misskaoz
    October 10

    Edit | Reply

    Love it

    I love this poem. As reader below I enjoyed that verse and this verse " Hiding from reality has driven me insane". the most. Good luck in contest and thansk for entering. Glad to hear you have overcome this btw.


  • Melee Vau gold member
    September 12

    Edit | Reply

    brilliant

    really moving poem, especially liked the lines:
    "I'm a vampire turned inward
    sucking myself dry.
    Numb of all emotions
    I've forgotten how to cry."
    now that is poetry!! also great you are no longer that guy...


  • nursesandyny
    September 3

    Edit | Reply
    awesome!!!!!! good for you! i have many friends who could say this was them. that monkey haunts its victims at the most inopportune times. keep your eyes open! good luck to you. and some amazing talent here!


  • oldschoolhero gold member
    September 3
    Edit | Reply
    i read it
    i just thought it wasnt good..
    ill message u the 53 points right now

  • hope-and-faith
    September 3
    Edit | Reply

    Deep, insightful

    Congratulations...Way to go


  • Uniquely-Scarred
    September 3

    Edit | Reply
    beautiful, i know it's sad, but it's wonderfuly poetic i loved these lines, sums this poem up for me:


    I'm a vampire turned inward
    sucking myself dry.
    Numb of all emotions
    I've forgotten how to cry.

    i truely enjoyed the read, take care and the best of luck in the contest


  • georgie
    September 3

    Edit | Reply
    a really fantastic piece... i cant emphasise how much. i particularly relate to this being a recovering alcoholic myself... only you are doing MUCH better than me... i've only been clean two months now after a binge that left me in the suicide ward in hospital... one day at a time. congratulations on a great piece AND most importantly staying clean. you deserve every one of the trophies and more.
    huge hugs,
    georgie,
    xxx
    p.s. hope you dont mind me adding you to faves

  • OurxBeginning
    September 3

    Edit | Reply
    A very wonderful piece. A real look into a time of self darkness and turmoil. Nice to see that you've been clean since 2006, congrats. Nice rhyming in this one. Thanks for sharing, it was strong and good.


  • erosen424
    September 2

    Edit | Reply
    some good stuff here-- I would try to find a substitute for the word pain after its first use--- and in the third paragraph, Ms. "fight off your demons" caught the flaw -- I would say somethig like : -- last 2 lines -- -- "desperately seeking the potion
    that would make the darkness cease" -- "seeking the potion that i hope my pain will ease"-- is a kind of a strangled line that seems contrived to rhyme-- and there are many ways to redo it. -- Overall your language and images are lovely. And congrats on beating the demons.


  • weathergirl123
    September 2
    Edit | Reply
    I love it.


  • Ania Mayara
    September 2
    Edit | Reply
    very well written


  • BriansAngel112508
    September 2

    Edit | Reply

    WONDERFUL!!

    I enjoyed reading this a lot

  • hend shaheen
    August 29

    Edit | Reply
    AMAZING!!!!!!the rhyme flows perfectly and the poem is really DARK!!the first 4 and the last 4 lines are my favorite!!!good luck!!!!

  • "As the sun slowly sets
    my eyes open wide.
    With the world covered in darkness
    I no longer have to hide."

    I love a poem that draws me in right away.
    its a great writ


  • Enrinye
    August 22

    Edit | Reply
    I absolutely love this poem, I could feel your emotions, it moved me very much to read about how alcohol used to rule your life...

    you are a fantastic poet and you proved it in this piece, you used some wonderful imagery and rhymes without slipping into a cliche and managing to keep your poem flow...

    ''I'm a vampire turned inward
    sucking myself dry.''

    I don't know why but this line just got stuck in my head, very poetic

    take care and congrats to all those trophies (well deserved of course)
    Suza


  • Ami
    August 16

    Edit | Reply
    Wow amazing write with a lot of trophies
    Congrats you deserved every one of them :]
    Thank you so much for entering my contest and Good luck
    -♥Amy♥

  • this is a great poem. one of the best in my contest. thanks for entering and good luck!

  • Superb!!
    Excellent imagery
    fav..
    I'm a vampire turned inward
    sucking myself dry.
    Thanks for another amazing share
    Darky

  • Superb, I am glad that the monkey is finally resting at easy back in his bottle so to speak.

    Great rhyme and a nice story to read.


  • Dlvvanzor
    April 25
    Edit | Reply
    I love the second stanza especially. Great write!

    Thanks for entering!
    -Dlvvanzor


  • GenUWinePoet
    April 11

    Edit | Reply

    Well Written.

    A deeply written poem. Good rhyme. Alittle different from what I expected. Glad you a sober.

    You didn't leave a AP family member choice? Interested or not.

  • This is excellent. Very well rhymed, and told a great story behind it as well. Excellent wor. I give you 8 points for this poem. You've got a total of 72 points. Thanks for entering the contest and best of luck to you. kahy

  • This is a bit more of a story than I am looking for. I will leave it in for it truly exposes a darkness that dwells within many of us, though our choices in how we keep the demons at bay may differ.
    good luck in the contest

  • I'm a vampire turned inward
    sucking myself dry.
    Numb of all emotions
    I've forgotten how to cry.

    Love this stanza great write


  • DesolatELifE
    March 3
    Edit | Reply
    'I've forgotten how to cry.' - very nice line.

    ' I have been clean and sober since
    March 31st 2006 '

    WELL DONE. As much of a stranger as I am, I am massively proud of you. Circumstance doesn't matter to me, what matters is that you've accomplished, and you should be proud of yourself.


  • Viyanna Rosemarie silver member
    February 23
    Edit | Reply
    this is absolutely beautiful. exactly what i believe we are looking for. i have had so many entries that glorify using and that is NOT what i am wanting. this describes the plight of the addict without giving permission to use. thank you so much. i am adding you to the finalists for this wonderful write. viyanna rosemarie


  • Emmjay
    February 23

    Edit | Reply
    Congrats on getting and staying clean . There's pretty good rhythm an rhyme in this piece. I find the story youve portrayed really good
    Best wishes -Emmjay


  • Rhythm Child
    February 1
    Edit | Reply
    this was very good and the picture was brilliant
    something different
    thanks for the entry

  • piccola silver member
    January 28

    Edit | Reply
    I totally get the part about hiding from the light. This is a great write. It goes over the line limit, maybe you didn't see that. The write is great anyway. Thank you for entering.


  • islekine gold member
    January 11
    Edit | Reply

    Coming up on three years!

    Way to go!
    I gave up on the alcohol...twenty years ago...in April!!
    best wishes in the contest and always!


  • ZachP
    January 8
    Edit | Reply
    Defeating our inner darkness is not something that is easy to do . . . and I still struggle, day to day. We don't have the same monster, but I'm still glad and re-affirmed by the fact that you were able to fight yours, and stay sober for so long.

    An amazing Poem! Thank you for sharing, and good luck in the contest

    Zach


  • nobodys-girl
    December 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow...i love this! its amazing!
    "A temporary reprieve
    from a lifetime of pain.
    Hiding from reality
    has driven me insane."
    just perfect! thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!


  • FightOffYourDemons
    November 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love love love love this.
    It is so well written, i love the imagery and the way the words flow and the the diction.
    I especially like
    "I'm a vampire turned inward
    sucking myself dry."
    and
    "I'm a boy living in darkness
    and a man afraid of the light."


    one small revision though if you don't mind my input
    Instead of
    "Desperately seeking the potion
    that I hope my pain will ease"
    I think that something like..
    "Desperately seeking the potion
    that I hope will make my pain ease"
    would make more sense

    Thank you and good luck.


  • Exit-Stage-Right
    November 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a case, apparently, where the strength of the story carries the poem rather than its inherent technical strengths or deficiencies. The simplistic rhyming pairs don't readily lend themselves to a win in this contest, nor do the lines which wander in length from 5 syllables (the 2nd line) to 10 syllables: "I put myself and the monkey to sleep." I'm sure you will glean more points in other contests with this though.


  • trekkergirl
    October 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow I can see how this one won so many trophies is one heck of a write. I really enjoyed reading it. I do like stories and poems about vampires anyway but this didn't have to be just about vampires it could have been about anyone. It is great! Thanks for sharing this with us and thanks for entering this contest.


  • Ceridwens Soul silver member
    October 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh boy I identify with this one as a former addict myself.

    'And all my pain falls through a hole
    like an hourglass full of sand.'

    Simply a stunning metaphor, and so painfully true.


  • Unforgotten
    September 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    crucial

    a very familiar feeling...


  • swim.x
    September 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Nice poem! I can't really say I know how you feel, but a great, and still easily relatable write.
    Congratulations and good luck in the contest.
    Chin up,
    Swim.x
    'And all my pain falls through a hole
    like an hourglass full of sand.'


  • delightfulmess silver member
    September 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Oh my goodness!!!
    Powerful emotions certainly cling to these words you
    have woven with excellent flow.
    I am glad to see this is no longer you!

    I too have struggled in my past with drugs and can relate well to the emotions you have penned.

    Well done and thank you so much for entering my contest.



    Delila


  • vampireblood
    September 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this was a very good piece. It was very sad as well. It flowed nicely though. Thank you for entering amd good luck in my contest.
    ~Vampy~


  • storiesuntold gold member
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Oh my goodness

    This is so sad indeed to live only for the rush then hide away its such a sad write . To have so little when life is all about you do you not hear it calling your name or have you shut off the world and chosen this drug called hell


    • BluesMan gold member
      September 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      I am no longer the person in this poem. I have been clean and sober since March 31st 2006


  • PrInCeSs AnAsTaCiA
    August 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    nice, flows well, thanks for entering good luck

  • know one
    August 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    cool,I like the rhyme and form of this poem,thanks for entering!


  • Arkbear gold member
    July 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wowzers!

     

    I can see why this has so many fancy Trophys all over it.....very cool write bill.....lots of great lines to ponder.....wonderful lasting impression ~

     

    God bless you,

     

    Bear ~


  • Reptile Lady gold member
    July 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow a great creative piece and worthy of all your trophies.
    Love the lines With the coming of the sunshine
    the glass runs out of sand.
    Best wishes and good luck
    Julie


  • daviscth silver member
    July 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I really enjoyed the imagery in this. I'm glad you posted in the contest.

  • annabel-lee
    July 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow. wonderful poem, i love it. "As the sun slowly rises
    I bid the world goodnight.
    I'm a boy living in darkness
    and a man afraid of the light" those are my favorite. shows how it can make you feel stuck in between. very well written. good poem


  • angelcalled666
    July 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    def very good. thanxxx

  • kales4
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my contest. I really enjoyed the rhythym and flow to your poem. The words sounded very natural next to one another. Great write and good luck


  • Pandorea
    June 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "I'm a vampire turned inward
    sucking myself dry."

    "I'm a boy living in darkness
    and a man afraid of the light."

    those two bits i though were brilliant. the just struck a chord, you know?

    thank you for entering.


  • Leanna-bean
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow...this has to be the most amazing poem I have read on this site all together. I'm a vampire turned inward sucking myself dry...Amazing! Thank you so much for your entry and good luck!


  • islekine gold member
    May 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Personally...I love the last line...

    it has a certain innocent insight....know what I mean?
    Congrats on the silvers!
    Write on!
    *PEACE*


  • TheDemonEve
    May 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You defied the cliche for this genre, and gave it new breath. Instead of a vampyre viciously slaking his lust, you turned it inward upon itself, and this is exquisite writing. This poem has an easy, flawless flow, with no bumps, and I especially liked the hourglass metaphor. Wonderful!!!

    Best of luck and thanks for entering!


  • Rebekah-Ann silver member
    May 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm impressed! this was really done so well! Congrats on the Silver and I think your talend is outstanding!


  • LovesWithTheBreeze
    March 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    WOW!!! this was great!!! just what i was looking for. awesome write. thanks so much for entering and Good luck in the contest...


  • Willowhaunt
    February 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    As with a different poem I've read today, I think this poem should be developed a bit more. There's great potential here, but the poem is not as profound as its content.

    Keep Quilling,
    Whiskey


  • DAMSELx
    February 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing write.

    I'm a vampire turned inward
    Sucking myself dry.
    Numb of all emotions
    I've forgotten how to cry.

    That was my favorite stanza. I truly enjoyed this poem, very well done!

    Thank you for entering, best of luck!
    --DAMSELx


  • Jai Guru Deva
    January 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great imagery. Good job and good luck.


  • BrokenDawn
    January 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    WOW! i really loved this!
    Bravoo!
    Goodluck!!
    ~dawn♥


  • Teri-Lee..Abbott
    January 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Interesting choose of words really enjoyed reading it


  • lesbian-in-love
    January 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very well written. A wonderful ryhme scheme. Thanks for entering and good luck to you in the contest.


  • ChiyoKaya
    January 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was very well written. Your rhyme shceme was wonderful, and the line about "a vampire sucking myself dry" great! Thank you so much for entering!


  • Simply Simple
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The rhyme was wonderful overall and the flow was exceptional for the most part. I liked the meaning and and underlying emotion. Best of luck & happy holidays


  • leander Moderators member
    December 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is quite an interesting poem that you have written here. The rhymescheme seems to be quite good, except the last but one stanza, where the rhyme isn't existant actually. The flow is a bit wobbly here and there, but overall you did a good job!
    Thank you for entering the contest!
    Leander


  • karma-n-peace
    December 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This piece sent chills!
    I feel as though you were reading my life ( once upon a time Thank God)
    Excellent rhyme and rythm and the imagery is just awesome.


  • Menace
    December 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Hmm....

    I think I may have tasted that potion in your hand a few too many times. First, I'll say I love this line..."I'm a vampire turned inward
    Sucking myself dry."
    Though it seems somehow matter of fact, lacking the attention it deserves. Maybe expound on that a bit (more than just cliche numbness).
    This definitely gave me a kick as i could relate to a lot of this. Excellent job and good luck!


  • lindaburns gold member
    November 24, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting. (“coming” has only one “m”.) Thank you for entering my contest.


  • HpWICKEDangel
    November 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i love the last point.....it is so true how vampires are so like this..... andi think you for statign the fact. thanks for sharing


  • Vagabond
    November 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Bravo! Bravo! (and for some reason i can't hit the ! key tonight, i keep typing @ instead) Really great work on this poem anyways, i completely loved the ending. the variation in line length in some of the other stanza's impeded the flow a little, but overall it was still admirably done! Great Job!


  • JeannieD Hunter gold member
    November 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Awesome!! This has some incredible lines in it. Great writing. I can glad I had the opportunity to read this. Keep on writing.

    Jeannie


  • XxGoldenxXDawnxX
    October 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you so much for this wonderful entry. I enjoyed this part the most I think:
    I'm a vampire turned inward
    Sucking myself dry
    Numb of all emotions
    I've forgotten how to cry


    Well done, can’t wait to hear more from you.


  • Death of the Author
    October 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You have such a great way with words and such awesome ideas that you put down on paper - even the little things are important.

    I love this stanza, especially those first two lines, they're genius:
    I'm a vampire turned inward
    Sucking myself dry
    Numb of all emotions
    I've forgotten how to cry

    These are as well:
    Hiding from reality
    Has driven me insane

    I hope you go far with your poetry cos you have an abundance of talent, I wish you all the best xtake carex


  • Touchof1der silver member
    October 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Such literary intensity and imagery leave my senses heightened and wanting so much more. It's rare to stumble upon poetry that is as strong and rivoting as this piece is. Thanks for the journey into your mind poet.
    ♥ Touchof1der


  • Angelo di Luce gold member
    October 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Great inspirasion

    Hello dear poet, I really enjoyed your poem

    you did a very good job,very graphic

    would like to see more of your work

    thank you for sharing


    • BluesMan gold member
      October 4, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you for your positive comments. That was my first submission. I just submitted another on "The Days Of Wine And Roses" Please check it out

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