I thought it was the right thing to do
because I have loved you since I was 6 years old
when I turned into a young teen I knew what you wanted to do
but really all I wanted to do was take you and hold.
I was so young and stupid
I would have done anything for you
you should have understood I was just a kid
but after that night there is nothing we can do
at first I was kind of into it
but I didn't want to go that far
then again I never told you to quit
I just wanted to be your shining star.
I guess it really isn't your fault
I guess I grew up thinking that was right
for my uncle took me and tried to assault me
and tried to rape me all through the night.
people shouldn't take advantage of little kids
let them grow up on their own time
don't have them regreting something you did
don't you understand that's a crime?
Author notes
*my name is miranda/my AP name is http://allpoetry.com/razorsedge
well my uncle molested(almost raped me)when i was 10 and i never told a soul for a year...then a guy i had pretty much known since i was 6 wanted to have sex and at first i was just messing around because i didnt know what to do...he tried making me give him a blow job but i never did and then one night after my brother left the tent(we were camping and the parents were gone)we finally had sex...i didnt want to but i never said no or made any kind of movement to suggest otherwise because i loved this guy...but anyways enough rambling tell me what you think
ok now you wanted to know about me well this is pretty much it what has happend here is what made me the way i am now...i try not to get close because i know good things never last!
"beautiful trageties"
option 1
A contest entry
- The Largest Contest On AP!!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
3000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 1709 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-Write MadNess by Mango Memories.
400 points, ended July 26, 195 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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this is, just so sad.
I hate hearing that such terrible things happen in this world.
Im glad that you have grown up and been so strong and healthy about it.
Well done in both the poem and your life.
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I'm really sorry to hear that about your uncle, I really hate child molesters with a fucking passion. Thanks for entering my contest.
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This is a sad poem and another connectible one for those who have been through what you have been through *raises her hand*.
I think the poem though could use more to it. Not necessarily longer. Just somethings else.
Good job though! -
Ohh, you just changed this.
As for the rhyme, which just suddenly existed out of nowhere, it feels a bit forced, as does your conclusion.
Oh, I know what was wrong. I read the author's notes as a poem. >>.<< My computer is messing up AP's interface. WTF?!
But, okay, the rhyme could use some work. Metre, syllables, all that jazz. -
The colours make it hard to read, as does the structure of this. Yes, it is prose, but you might want to edit this a little, since you have run-on-ish sentences (could be stream of consciousness, if you look at it that way), and your vocabulary could use some powering up for maximum effect.
This could be deep, but I don't feel the emotion in this. I don't get the sense of regret or anticipation or anything you were feeling. Even in prose or rambling, pay attention to the words you choose and the sentence structure.
Thank you for entering & good luck!
--Cristina -
Here’s the in-depth critique you requested, sorry it’s a bit later than I had mentioned. Like I said before, the emotional aspects of this are quite strong. However, there are more ingredients to making a poem. The flow on the rhyming was a bit uneven and disconnected in places, as such lines 3, 9, 13, 17, and 19. Hold in line 4 seems a bit forced to rhyme with old in line 2. For lines 1 and 3, technically, rhyming a word with the same word (do and do) doesn’t count as a rhyme. Personally, I’m mainly a free verse person because I feel it gives less limitations. Although, I do like the ABAB rhyme scheme, which your poem partly displays.
Abuse is a very difficult topic to write about. Mainly because it’s so personal and upsetting. But also because it is unfortunately so common. Although the ages of when those events occurred to you make the readers see your life and feel your pain, it also makes it read like a journal or a letter to them. I think adding imagery and creativity to the poem could ease that diary-like quality. For example: Instead of “when i turned 14(you 17)i knew what you wanted to do.” Try something like: When my biological clock struck 14, you were already three steps ahead of me. (This way you are showing the readers that you were 14 years old at the time, rather than simply telling them, and it also gives the readers a motive to take time to think about your words a little longer.) If you can change the simple telling phrases into deeper showing ones, the poem would be so much better. I really liked line 12 though. If you need any more assistance with this, let me know.
- Andi -
sorry this will be disqualified. because i said in the rules no rape. good poem, not for my contest though
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:)
A very beautiful poem. I'm very sorry you had to go through all of that, im sure it's very hard, but you are not alone and they were to blame not you. I'm sure this poem will help get a message across to people in this situation.
Good luck in my contest
From jaz <3 -
Wow... this was a very emotional piece. I’m sorry your uncle and the guy you liked took advantage of you like that. Some males are filthy and sick and do not have self-control or a sense of right and wrong. This was a quite a powerful and personal piece.
I will not give too much of a critique on this, unless you request it, because this is such a personal theme. (If you want me to give an in-depth constructive criticism with suggestions for the poem’s improvement, please let me know.) Although, I will say that this was merely telling, rather than showing your experiences and how you felt. It seemed more like a diary entry in stanzas, instead of a poem. It lacked poetic devices and figurative language that is essential for a poem. I feel this has the ability to become so much more, poetically and creativity. However, your message and the lost innocence was very strong and clear. Best of luck in my contest.
- Andi -
gave chills. Very emotoinal write. And it was his fault, he knew better. Don't blame yourself.
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Thank you for entering the contest. It is difficult to offer judgment on poems like this, especially when they are offered and mis-matched to a contest. While a painful recollection and admirable for the ability to explore the painful, dark side of life, this misses the content required for the contest. Not only does it miss but the other categories of scoring are lacking. You get high marks for emotional impact, and the ability to make me ponder the poetic aspect of expression long after the read. Keep writing and don’t let and old man’s opinion stand in your way of continuing your explorations of heart and mind. You have the heart of a writer; you just need practice with the tools. Blessings and best wishes, ~richard
1) Content 1
2) Originality 5
3) Flow 7
4) Word choice (vocabulary and/or rhyme) 6
5) Imagery 5
6) Grammar 6
7) Form9
8) Spelling 2
9) Emotional Impact 9
10) Rumination factor (how well does the poem make me ponder) 9
astralshepherd’s completely subjective total score = 59
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A very sorrowful poem. I am sorry such things happened to you. It is a sad world we live in where children are used and abused in such ways. Wonderful write and thank you for entering. Good luck!
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sorry for the stuff you have gone trhough ... this is a very soulful write and i thank you for the entry into my contest... wish you all the best in this and with life
be strong and always SOAR (stretch out and risk) you will find the day that to take a chance on love is the greatest thing you'll do
cheers
Jen
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wow I'm glad you realize it's wrong for these things to happen but do know it's not at all your fault... and you are not to be blamed for not protesting... you couldn't have known better... I'm sorry this happened but you know what? Don't think twice about it... what's been done has been done... move on and make the rest of your life the way you want it to be... if you know you're scared of "getting too close" again then be careful (but not afraid) of it... put yourself in situations where you're not again at risk of being taken advantage of and be wary of who you trust... take advice from those you know have your best interests at heart and most importantly listen to your own heart... you still have plenty of time to live, love and learn... all the very best wishes hun thank you 4 the entry
Btw, "good things" do last... just be patient... everything good will still be there tomorrow because good people are the ones that stay tc...
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I hear you
i had a similar experience by a cousin and trust me its something you dont get over and trust me I didnt tell anyone for years and the only person who knows is my mom and I told her years later thank you for sharing that with me -
AH
This is horrible I'm so so sorry to know this
It might be very thaumatic to live all those things. I don't know how that feels but i can imagine and it's something you might not wish to anyone.
This was a very sad poem. I liked it, it touched me, and it terrified me a little. You did such a good job.
Your rhyme was very good. I love rhymes, but next time watch it a little bit more.
"i guess it wasnt your fault
i guess i grew up thinking that was right
for my uncle took advantage of my age(10)
and tried to rape me all through the night."
You choose to rhyme first and third verses and second and forth. But in that one, the words "fault" and "age(10)" dont really rhyme. It's the only mistake I found, the rest had an an amazing beat!
Great Job and Good Luck. -
This is a very sad poem. I enjoyed the innocence of your voice throughout and the way you displayed your hurt. Thank you for this read and good luck in the contest
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I liked your poem but i have to end my contest, for reasons i'd rather not explain. Sorry, but I am still considering people, even though i have to end the contest.
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This is such a terrible expeirience you had to go through, You made your trying times out to be a great well written poem. If you don't mind I would like for you to put your name in the authors notes, I would like to know who you are.
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No child should have to go through that pain of any kind.
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Great way of putting thsat out there. U should read my poem evil grin. Good poem.
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Its tough losing one's innocence at a young age. It completely distorts your view of what's right and wrong. After all, if someone you love does something to you, it can't be wrong, can it? That's the child logic. And so you grow up believing that its okay, and even sometimes (at least in my case) when you learn that it never was okay, you still have to make it okay in your mind, it still MUST be okay, because you can't think that a person you love would do anything wrong, even when you get older.
Truthful words you wrote here, they really hit close to home. I really liked how you put it in black font, that definitely added something to the poem.
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