The steady beat of your heart
fills my ears
blocking out the real world
The symbols
spell out your name
Leaving me to blame
The pit
dark and dank
You warned me
of the danger
but I followed them anyway
You watched
as my flowers bloomed
and wilt
Waiting for me to come back
But my virtues lack
You wish
To see my face
But
I regret that it's to late
You've come to the mountain pass
Looking to find what you have lost
But
The snow blocks your view
You call my name
And swear in vain
You see my shadow
Against the white
You hold me tight
Never letting go
I whisper
To the wind
We disappear
To the pit
Oh so deep
In the underworld
Is where we creep....
Tell me your thoughts
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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art, my friend! And you couldn't have found a better bg!
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this is so deep! two things i REEEEEALLY LURV: word choice+rythm. you have both and handled this poem so well! very very good!!
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its really a rather good poem but the flow and ebb of emotion seem forced and uncontrolled shifting back and foward between the two extremes...great write but i have to forget about some of the comas...they just mess with the flow, its like having too many stop signs it ruins a good road.
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OMFG
Dude, this is AWESOMe... it, jeez... I'm really speechless. -Rock on!
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I found this poem to be rather confusing with the changes in past and present tenses. You are still young and have a lot to learn, but I believe that once you find your niche in writing poetry, you will be one hell of a poet!
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I'm not fond of the format, but this is a good piece for fans of darkness. The wording pulls you in nicely. It almost disappoints the reader to find an end. Nice Post!
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Er..
I’d definitely have to say that you’re writing style would have to grow on me. You have a particular way with words that I don’t think I’ve ever seen, spit with varying degrees of pain, hate, and anger. At least that’s how I feel. A dark, intense piece that just jumps out at you without a warning. I find myself trying to catch myself, taking a deep breath and reading this aloud to see whether it still holds the same effect. My conclusion: no it doesn’t…if anything it’s strong, the impact surrounds you and closes in.
Definitely dark and…how can I say, intriguing.
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Wow so dark and still so beautiful, wonderfully written truely this is a great piece of poetry. I look forward to reading more from you.
Keep penning! -
wow. this is beautiful. I can't help but love this one! I love how it flows and the lines are broken up. The form is great and I love mixed freeverse and rhyme as this is. Wonderful write!
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