sunflower
casually beheaded
for seeds
A contest entry
- Haiku Workshop-Fragments and Phrase by azure85.
790 points, ended October 16, 2007, 33 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Very nice!
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excellent haiku. have been reading Issa in order to sharpen my skills and this haiku very much reminds me of his style. good luck in the contest.
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Thanks for reading-
I'll have to look Issa up.
qt -
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Kobayashi Issa
http://oldpoetry.com/oauthor/show/Kobayashi_Issa
Yosh Buson
http://oldpoetry.com/oauthor/show/Yosa_Buson
Matsuo Basho
http://oldpoetry.com/oauthor/show/Matsuo_Basho
Masaoka Shiki
http://oldpoetry.com/oauthor/show/Masaoka_Shiki
Four masters of haiku/hokku very good for research.
Andrew -
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thanks
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This is a good haiku, it does tend to read as a single phrase though, the fragmant could be stronger, the reader will find the understanding.
Good luck in the contest.
Andrew -
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Andrew- Thanks for your honest comment-
do you have any suggestions?
Again, thanks for reading.
qt -
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The phrase works fine, but here the fragment is a continuation of the phrase. I would be inclined to show a fresh image of something used to collect the seeds, an empty jam jar, butter tub, something along those lines. In threory the reader will think 'why is a jam har next to the sunflower' then the understanding will dawn that the whole scene is the collection of seeds.
Andrew
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Wilfully sad but very good
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Welcome to our workshop.
sunflower
casually beheaded
for seeds
The sunflowers are getting it today. An excellent haiku, and it made me chuckle today. -
Thank you for entering our workshop.
sunflower
casually beheaded
for seeds
I think that you have done a very good job with this haiku. This is a perfect example of in a haiku how less can be more. Good job.
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