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Her Black And White World

She saw through the  lace curtains, 

where green  mountains

touched her lake

and fog hung precariously;
like  her long, slender fingers

over  a black and  white  world.

 

A few more moments of  silence

accompanied  strained movements

on rich fabric chairs

as the music began softly at first,

then  faster and  louder,

lights flickered  as the final crescendo, 

was followed by thunderous  applause.

 

The young prodigy

listened to the steady rhythm,

composing a song

before  her fingers  touched a key,

then played out in gray

across a black and white world.

Author notes

Prompt color - black and white

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 31 of 31

  • Virgo silver member
    August 10
    Edit | Reply
    This is quiet a sad poem, I liked your use of rich descripitive words, well done on winning the trophys


  • Daxteriana
    August 10

    Edit | Reply
    I love this. It is beautiful. A prodigy is someone young that has found a certain talent, as in this one music, right?

    Finger in the keys.
    She's ready to play.
    Guitar against the knees.
    Another song today.
    Composing as a talent-
    In a world gone mad.
    Prodigy or not, she's trying to find a balance-
    Not so bad.

    I like this.

    Dax



  • Random Renee
    August 10

    Edit | Reply

    great job!

    I loved this poem so much!! its imagery made me picture it all happening..and my love for music intreged the read as well..thanks for sharing! good write hun! looking forwards to reading more!
    cheers!


  • frownsnfreckles
    August 10
    Edit | Reply
    An intersting take on the prompt. Can almost feel those slender fingers running across the keys.


  • Oh.My.Juliet
    August 10
    Edit | Reply
    I love your expression, you took a cliche prompt and really made it your own, a wonderful skill as a poet. Keep writing
    x


  • Clovis...Curious silver member
    August 10

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    'tis a very fine write, indeed. You have expressed your thoughts quite well. I liked this one just as it is. Thanks for sharing it with us.


  • Uniquely-Scarred
    August 10
    Edit | Reply
    nice, i enjoyed this and i really like the title, take care


  • Emmyb gold member
    April 23
    Edit | Reply
    an excellently crafted and composed poem :

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    January 31
    Edit | Reply
    Just as a "I noticed" type of thing, is your spacing (on the lines themselves) different throughout? Some places seem to have more space than others. I am not sure if it is deliberate or not.

    You have some very good images throughout here and the emotion is tangible.

    Thank you for your entry


  • marciakay81
    May 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is absolutely beautiful...it creates such a rich and ...colorful image. great write!


  • tamperedlove
    May 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    AGAIN WOW!


  • tamperedlove
    May 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    this is a beautiful poem

    AMAZING!


  • Lotus-Mama
    May 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I think this is beautiful! Great Job!!


  • individuality gold member
    May 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    oops i meant to clap

  • individuality gold member
    May 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    a good peice of poetry, i suggest you eave it as is and pay no attention to the poetry boors in the site who just want you to write and re write but their own poetry lacks any merit


  • Carpe Noctem
    December 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This was beautiful and very original, especially for a contest like this. Thanks very much for entering, and best of luck!!


  • A60sMan
    November 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Another piece which captured the tone of "Satires of Circumstance" and made the judging so very difficult. I thought your verb choices were exceedingly strong in this piece, but that the semi-colon in the first stanza was unnecessary and set you back a couple points for it. That close was the judging. Thank you for bringing this piece to my first contest. It was a pleasure to read!


  • Pixielated
    November 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I loved the comparison and link you put between color and music. I really liked when you said, "then played out her gray/ between the black and white." That was an enjoyable piece.


  • Danna Hobart
    November 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply


    I love the comparison you drew to the fog hanging over the land and her fingers hanging over piano keys. The imagery is brilliant. If I had to say any part of it was weak, it would be the middle, somewhere in here:

    A few more moments of silence
    accompanied strained movements
    on rich fabric chairs
    as the music began softly at first,
    then faster and louder,
    lights flickered as the final cresendo,
    was followed by thunderous applause.

    I suggest removing the word “as,” and you state that the music “began” softly, so the words “at first” become redundant. (crescendo is misspelled.)

    A few more moments of silence
    accompanied strained movements
    on rich fabric chairs.
    The music began softly,
    then faster and louder,
    lights flickered as the final crescendo,
    was followed by thunderous applause.

    Maybe you could find some simile to liken the way the music built on itself, for example:

    The music began softly,
    then faster and louder,
    like a storm gathering fury
    lights flickered as the final crescendo,
    was followed by thunderous applause.

    A storm can also be black and white, the darkness of the rain and the whiteness of the lightning strikes. It would also connect to your flickering lights and thunderous applause.


  • algoressister
    November 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    once again, I have come back to a poem, and my comment is gone.....really, don't bother asking for criticism, if you can't take it......and remove your poem from the contest if you don't understsnd "acid comments"..... it is really too bad, because this poem was definately in the running.....

  • xTomorrowx
    November 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is great! I love the imagery and the beauty of this piece, you did a wonderful job on this, as I'm sure all the other comments below have mentioned =P
    Thanks heaps for your entry and best of luck in my contest! =)
    Preliminary finalist =)

  • algoressister
    October 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hi,
    I liked your poem the first time I read it, the second, and the third.....I looked for spelling and punctuation errors.....none.....your style is consistent and I might venture to say it has almost a musical precision.....The imagery is beautiful, and the way you echoed the black and white, and then added the gray.....very nicely done......hey if you want me to be mean to you you’re going to have to stop writing gems like this.....TTFN Love Laurel


  • lilith78
    October 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A beautiful metaphor - black and white world extending out from the piano! My understanding was of a sexual encounter, but I may be wrong. Best of luck in the contest!


  • rollingzen
    October 31, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    well done


  • Beautiful-N-Broken gold member
    October 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very good write. Good luck in the contest!


  • PolkaDot
    October 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Pretty

    Its clever how you used black and white as visuilation tools. Great write thanks for entering.


  • sca
    October 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well, my interpretation of this is a young girl from a sheltered (or one way directed - definite jobs and security and education) household using music to extend herself beyond a black and white interpretation of the world. Creating a more real, grey area. Although I'm interested to know if or how accurate that is ;P.

    (Where our own past experiences and associations shape our perception and interpretation).

    Very nice metaphorical write, with a definite ease of flow and rhythm...

    I liked this.

    Cheers,
    => Jess


  • Romily
    October 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    NIce Thing to read. congrats on winning the trophy.


  • only1love4ever
    October 3, 2007
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    Great!!

    Very nice. It was short and sweet. Right to the point. Great job!!


  • Daizy21
    October 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow...this took my breath away...playing the piano has always been one of my most personal things...you have just made it the most beautiful!I thank you for that.


  • freebird88
    October 3, 2007

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    This was beautiful...I love the flow and the imagery was extremely vivid. I could see the piano keys, the black and white world and the long fingers perfectly!
    'composing a song

    before her fingers touched a key,

    playing out her gray

    between the black and white'

    Has to be my favorite part of the poem. It was unexpected. I feel the obvious choice would have been adding color to his world, but I love that you went with gray! This poem made me think about the constant "gray area" that fills our lives. FANTASTIC!

1 - 31 of 31