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Needs a Title (formerly "Snippets")

link to old poem

 

 

 

tip-toe through

the unpacked stacks

of boxes:

            teetering along

                        the only path

                                    from cellar stairs

                                                to dark back corner

                                                            makes for some

                                                                        staggeringly

                                                                                    swanky

                                                                                                choreography.

maneuver through

 

young high-heels

                                    and

                                                mature onesies.

 

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • rannilt
    November 14, 2007

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    Better this way. I like the link to tip-toeing and shoes. I agree, "staggeringly swanky choreography" is very effective. I see pant-legs and shoes with these words

    I missed you too! I've been busy with school. Trying to work 30 hours and go full time and apply to grad school simultaneously. I haven't had a lot of time for poetry sadly. I'm back now, still busy, but back.

  • follettvogue
    October 8, 2007

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    moving in.

    this poem evoked thoughts of moving in , you know , sorting were things ought to be put, sifting through the endless boxes of items, boring and mundane job , makes a good poem though paula buckenham

    . Rewarded 4

  • samii4u
    October 8, 2007

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    I have to agree with Chu i'm not sure this paints a clear picture. and Again to me the use of "onesises" doesn't seem to feel right. I like how you have tried to create the shape of the stairs of the cellar with your words although i have to say having read the old version of this that the old version made more sense to me. And i agree with Dashed Hopes about the "from cellar stairs makes for some staggeringly swanky choreography" it makes me imagine a woman carrying boxes triying to peer over the top of them whilst trying not to trip on the piles of junk on the stairs int he dark. Keep going with it and see if you could adjust the ending because i do like most of it.

  • Chu
    October 8, 2007

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    I'm not too sure of what to make of this poem, 'snippits' certanly seems like an ideal name to call it, as it doesn't present a full picture and your placement of the writing is litteraly all over the place. I agree with dashed hopes about the swanky stuff, however you seem to loose something in your writing, perhaps adding more detail or focusing on the words, rather than the shape to give meaning to your poem. The use of 'onesises' is unclear to me here...
    all the best, and do keep writing,
    - Chu

  • JazzJW
    October 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    I like it

    swanky I dont know what that means but I like it

  • Dashed Hopes1992
    October 7, 2007
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    The "staggeringly swanky choreography" bit was neat
1 - 6 of 6