Smooth and round, soft as clouds,
you tip your head beneath her skirts,
your small hands pushing the
satiny orangeness away as your
long supple tongue flicks
in and out, long and deep,
your little feet first pushing you deeper,
then resting in quiescence
as you drink her sweet nectar,
the tastes of sunshine and butter
and honey-hued wine, all things
golden blooming on your tongue
like soft shady wet moss or
a field of touch-me-nots.
Author notes
This is not porn. I promise. *winks*
I'm a plant biology graduate student, and currently working on a project involving the pollination of jewelweed flowers. When you watch bees pollination flowers for hours and hours on end, you can't help but be inspired. Yes, this is a nerdy poem lol. Please critique it - I take criticism with open arms. And I hope these notes don't ruin the piece lol.
Impatiens capensis (Jewelweed, Touch-me-not)
Bombus sp. (Bumblebee)
http://thumbs.photo.net/photo/3223166-sm.jpg
This picture is actually of a honey bee and not a bumblebee, but I couldn't find one with a Bombus.
A contest entry
- The Poem of the Day by Arkbear.
500 points, ended October 5, 2007, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gold for Green by Grey Mouser.
300 points, ended October 15, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For the love of god CONFUSE ME by h202.
450 points, ended February 10, 2008, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is still a baby - please help me teach it to walk.
Comments
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yeah this isn't porn. but this definitely made me think about sex. a lot. pretty much the whole time i read it and every time i read it actually. excellent title. didn't make me think sex at all. anyway, past sex, quite awesome imagery. if i try really hard i can read this and see everything about bees and nectar and pollen and stuff, and it's really good. and it all can be interpreted as a metaphor too! for sex. and other things. thanks for entering i'm very impressed
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Wonderful metaphor! Lovely imagery taking the mind to a deeper place.
Thank you for entering!
Love -
A nice metaphorical write that tempts the poor bees palate with much sweetness, as the wonder of imagination takes one elsewhere yet can be seen in the imagery truly. Thanks for entering into the contest.
Be well and be blessed,
Mouser -
Something about that word, jewelweed, is very powerful in its mellowness. I think you tried really hard to get some imagery in this, but I think you used a lot of adjectives to get there, but you don't have to do it that way. I think that's actually kind of the cheap route to imagery, and also the least effective route. I've always thought the wording is most important, specifically the verbs you use.
There is an allpoetry member, I don't know if you've ever come across them. His name is pushback. He has a poem called seaworthy where the imagery and lack of adjectives is evident.
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2129446
That is the link. I was just going to try and explain it but I thought an example would be good.
Certain words bring on images. For example, in the first stanza he uses the word "stomach." You get an immediate image from that. He didn't say 'pink stomach,' he just said "stomach." But what's really astounding is his ability to combine those kinds of words that are attached to imagery with verbs that compliment them, and then how he manages to carry images throughout an entire poem. One of these combinations is rinsing/stomach. Rinsing is a powerful verb, in a subtle way. Also, what helps even more, is all his similes. There are four similes just in this poem.
like a fat peach
like coal
like apples
like sand
You see that?
Other powerful verbs in this piece include "barnacled" and "halved."
In your poem, I specifically thought that "soft as clouds" was very ineffective. It's been rendered meaningless from all of its use in the poetry world, and in life in general.
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to come and critique one of your poems. I will try to do that more.
This is all opinion, of course. -
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Thanks for taking the time to leaven an amazingly helpful comment! I definitely see your point, and I agree it's something I need to work on. It's one of my overall flaws, I think - I've always been too wordy, and I need to learn word economy. That poem is an excellent example - thanks!
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Oh my ~
Thank you Julie for critiquing this properly.....as my
mind is still in the gutter!!
hehe ~
I loved it!
That's all I am going to say!
....and yes, the explanation in your Authors' Notes is sufficient ~
Here are your Scores!
Good luck Poet!
.....oh wait....I will say the Flow is horrible... lol ~
Bear ~
Title 9.6
Flow 8.5
Depth 9.3
Theme 10
Feelings 8.5
Grammar 9.2
Presentation 9.4
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 94.5
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Haha, I'm glad you liked it! I think you're right about the flow, and I think it's probably directly related to Julie's concern that it's all one sentence (and all one stanza). I need to play around with it a bit more, I think. Thanks!
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What the heck??? OMG, I had to go back and read the title again (and again!) to make sure I really knew what you were writing about. 
I'm almost in too much shock to properly critique it. lol
I've often said that I don't like having to rely on author notes to explain a poem, because so few other places will offer that luxury. That you used the title you did completely saved this poem from that standpoint, and I really appreciate it. Your imagery is very well done, and because of the almost graphic nature of the poem it brings emotion into the write that I'd have never guessed could be done with such a subject. I have just a couple of suggestions: I'd like to see this broken into several sentences. It gets very long-winded, like a run-on sentence, without some kind of break. An occasional break will also allow the reader to pause and digest some of that imagery better. If you were really going for the double meaning I think you intended, you might also want to reconsider the use of the word "little" in L7. That word stopped me abruptly...before that, I felt I knew what you were writing about (and it wasn't bees and flowers lol) but after seeing the word "little" I had to restart...go back to the title, and go over this with a new train of thought. (Okay, that's enough of an admission that my mind wasn't where it should have been.
)
Not sure how Bear will like this, but I thought you did a great job. I am also going to consult with him about the rule stating your theme needs to be in the author notes, as I'm not sure if your explanation of the poem counts as such. But please do not make any changes until Bear has had a chance to review and score the poem.
I really enjoyed this, and thank you for sharing your creativity here in the POD.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
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Haha, so it DID have the shock factor I was trying for then. Lol. And I didn't even think about my use of the word little...I guess that my mind wasn't as...low...as it should have been, despite the fact that I wrote something like this LOL. I hadn't thought about breaking things up in sentences...I was trying to go for a sort of breathlessness throughout. Maybe I'll play a little with punctuation, or (alternately) with line breaks, and see how it changes things. Thanks for your comments! I appreciate your helpful ideas!
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All I can say is way to go!
Well done piece here friend.
Best wishes to you.
Tory -
I agree, I will never look at pollination the same way again! You have done an excellent job with this piece, the imagery it presents is truly beautiful. Well done and good luck!
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ive been known to throw down some harsh criticism, but for the life of me, i cant find much to say about this. im willing to bet it is the sexiest portayal of pollination ever crafted. lmao. very impressive write with a theme that couldve gone so wrong.
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Haha, pollination IS sexual reproduction after all. Glad you enjoyed it.
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