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Forget-Me-Nots

If you should one day forget
When we would watch the seasons pass
Lying on our backs beneath the changing sky.
The time you said my kisses
Were laced with the taste of strawberries.
The moment when we ran to
One another across that busy street
Meeting in a cinematic scene.
When I sketched your body
Of carved ivory, captured
In strokes of charcoal.

If you should one day forget
How our souls seemed to deteriorate
Trapped in the cage we locked ourselves in,
That our strangled songs lingered
In the static air.
Why we could not endure
This grinding race, and how
Desperation was painted in our looks
Our atrocities gnawed at us until
It caused our expiration, we were deceased.

If you should one day forget
All of this, all of us
Remember the blue flowers
I placed upon our grave
And you will recall everything.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Avatar of Innocence
    November 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I realize this is a love poem/ oath. If you are too sensitive to take criticism, disregard this message and remove this poem from my contest.


    -----Otherwise------
    Initial Response: Not bad, but it didn't jump out at me.

    I felt as if I had read this in a novel before, but not in its poetic frame. There was a lot of telling in this poem, sort of a letter to another person. A bit of cliche' exists as well, such as in line 5: "taste of strawberries" how about "tartness of strawberries? sumptuousness of strawberries? sugar-sting?

    Cliche' in line 10: "of carved ivory"; why not carved alabaster? Why not white jade? why not cloudy quartz? so many other pale stones to compare the whiteness of the person's physique.

    Suggestions for line 11: there are a bit too many particles in the poem, why not change to "in charcoal strokes?
    Line 19: Take out "was"; "desperation painted in our looks"~ does it sound better?

    If you can endure more criticism, let me know. You have all your options before you.

  • Poetryintheblood gold member
    October 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your beautiful entry, Josephine


  • bonjourbunnie
    October 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Oh, very good. Love is evident, though the sadness is also there. I enjoyed it. Good luck. :]


  • LadyDementia gold member
    October 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful, best of luck!


  • xxlisajazminexx
    October 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    ...............
    ..........
    .......
    ....
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    .
    thank you so much for entering this beautiful poem into my contest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Thank you again
    and good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  • xxlisajazminexx
    October 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    such sadness written with such true love and devotion..............

1 - 6 of 6