laying across a flat rock
her fingertips slid along the time worn edges
surrounding her
a grassy expanse
the stone radiating the day's heat
into her skin
night fell quickly
her vision darkening 'round the edges
as she gazed up at the stars
her ears overflowing with the sound
of a bear roaring in the distance
fading into a muffled growl
and ultimately into silence
stars like pins pricked lightly upon her eyes
diminishing in intensity and number
her sight lessening further into nothing
silent witnesses stood the walls
as the room filled with the echoes of screaming
and she imagined herself in a land so distant
soundlessly
they observed
her life's warmth coursing
over her skin and
onto the floor
a bottle
once tightly clutched
no longer
now empty of capsules
rolling from her hand
the dying of the light
behind the windows to her soul
Author notes
thanks to all who read. best of luck with your own writing!
~shadowlyn
A contest entry
- Three options, give me your best by Brucie.
415 points, ended October 10, 2007, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Blank Cheque by sca.
777 points, ended November 1, 2007, 48 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 25 and under by silverscent.
460 points, ended February 12, 2008, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please share your thoughts
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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This is brilliant work. I love the way the realistic images become symbolism, how the meaning flows into the poem. Very strong writing.
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This is a very deep poem and filled with some amazing imagery. Great job on this write, and thanks so much for entering my contest. Blessings, Patty
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This deserves its silver and gold. I didn't see the ending coming, but it really fit with the poem. Was the bear symbolic of her problems or was it just a bear? This can be read on many levels. The dying light behind her (eyes) the windows to her soul. Excellent.
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i'm happy to find that you weren't able to predict how the piece would end until you actually read it. the bear symbolizes a few things, her problems, as you said, and the roar of the bear symbolized the shouting she hears. i'm glad you found that this had more than just one obvious meaning. thanks for the lovely comment and best wishes with your own writing
~shadowlyn
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mysterious.
This poem went much deeper than most poems would go and was very interesting from the title itself. Although I'm not very strict on this - I'd have preferred if you capitalized accordingly .. i think it should add to the effect.
Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest
Never ♥ -
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thanks for the compliment regarding the depth of my poem, i'm glad you liked it so much. i simply chose not to capitalize because i felt like it made it read a bit too forceful and sharp for what i was going for. thanks again for creating the contest and best wishes
~shadowlyn
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A really intense read, well done,
Such powerful images, a chilling feel to it,
Thanks for the entry and good luck in the contest,
-Brenden -
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i'm glad to find that you thought so highly of my piece. thanks for the comment and for hosting the contest. best wishes
~shadowlyn
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Amazing
This was a beautiful heartfelt lament. I loved your imagery and the language you used. Although it was sad, at the same time there was a finality and relief in it. Simply Amazing, thankyou for your entry.
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Amazing
Oh goodness. Its so much better now that Hucks isn't rambling on in the background. Its quite incredible baby. I really enjoyed how the poem seemed, not quite sad, yet not happy, until the end, when its like POW!!!
It's quite an amazing work. Keep it up! -
Wow. That was intense. Whatever the prompt was, you did an excellent job for it. Good luck in the contest.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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