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Phone Call #2

The phone rings in my ear...

Flash back to the past,

Pains rip through my heart.

This time I swear is the last.

The phone rings in my ear...

No. I won't let you do this.

You can't hurt me anymore.

I hit the phone with my fist.

The phone rings in my ear...

Fuck you!

You can't do this anymore!

This is just another time I'll be screwed.

The phone rings in my ear...

Alright, this is it,

The moment of truth.

I'll re-enter your hellish pit.

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • kittensushi
    October 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    powerful

    I like it! Even with the rhyming, which I usually hate, this is great. I tend to view poems as little bits of fiction (weird view, I know), so I really got involved with this "character". Last line, I was screaming in my mind "don't do it, don't do it!" One part stuck out though. Don't think this is a blow against obscenities because I love them as much as the next motherfucker. I was hoping for a different rhyme here:

    "The phone rings in my ear...
    Fuck you!
    You can't do this anymore!
    Yeah, fuck you..."

    I felt slightly cheated because I was liking your rhymes. Sorry, I can't think of a replacement and I do concede that the current has mad emotional impact. Good job!

    (edit for me not being a good speller)


    • darkangel7567
      October 3, 2007

      Edit | Reply

      thanks

      thanks for the comment. I fixed that one part if you want to take a look at it. I hope it's a little better.


      • kittensushi
        October 3, 2007
        Edit | Reply

        whoa!

        You took that one little suggestion and ran with it! I think the change you made really adds to your poem. I appreciate that you took feedback so well. Great job!