The shining stars, once worn on your tough shoulders,
are now hidden under my lingerie
In silence their absence cuffs me each day
Memories of our life still smolders
and take the breath of my soul away
In secret they ambush me, by whispering my blame
Fault cuts too deep, when I try to ease my pain
This heart bleeds out, in longing for your touch
Fearful and alone, this sentence is too much
Your absence awakes guilt, and that cuffs my heart
I was all so wrong,
for you loved me from the start
I own no key to unchain me from these tears
And alone cuffed by guilt,
I’m owned by my fears
©Rebekah-Ann Bellingan
02/10/2007
Edit – 04/10/2007
Author notes
OPTION # - Dear Soldier contest hosted by Tarja
To: Anton (Born 05 December 1970 - 26 September 2004)
Scene:
Policeman dies, and the only thing his widow have is the stars that was worn on his shoulders. -
*** South-African Police carries there ranks on their shoulders ***
The word " Cuffed " refers to ** handcuffs ** being [smacked] on.
[smacked] forcefully put on...
Stanza 1:
Brave Policeman, who "carried all the burdens of their marriage and all her secrets on his broad shoulders"
She hides the stars {{awarded to her late husband}} in a very private place never looking at them, yet knowing that they are there. Trying to fill the void left inside her and to somehow draw him closer once again.
- But instead of consoling her, she feels guilty for leaning so much on those shoulders.
The memories of struggle and love are like smog of a deadly fire. Even though the fire is over, the smog is killing her spirit. Suffocating her inner being. Choking her zest for life. {killing her "Joix de vivre"}
Stanza 2:
Explaining the ambush:
The trap that lied in waiting, that her dependence on her husband was the trap of death. She feels that his death is because of her.
She is sentenced to a life in tears.
Stanza 3:
He's in the everlasting sleep. In contrast - that wakes up these emotions. The guilt and the loneliness.
She now knows that he did all he could. He loved her with all his heart, but since he is no longer with her she is cuffed by the reality, cuffed by all her fears. They [fears] all came true and she has no way to ever escape the fact. Cuffed by her worst nightmare and since death is so final, there is no key to free her.
In a list
A contest entry
- My favorite poem!!! by Lola Green.
530 points, ended November 23, 2007, 51 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 96th Contest by Tarja.
450 points, ended December 5, 2007, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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thank you so much for sharing this poem with me, rebekah ... I had no idea what you are going through, and how heavy the burden of guilt weighs on your shoulders ... no words might probably help to ease your pain, but know that I am willing to share the weight you're carrying ... if everyone carries just a little piece of it, you will soon walk straight again ...
sending you a big hug and much love,
marion
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Hello Rebekah-Ann.
Powerful emotive piece, which expreses the conflicting thoughts and emotions in what has been said, and by the things not said. Torment, fear, guilt are all evident in this piece, and not just becuase you use those words.
I wish you and your daughter well on your journey.
My regards.
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bravo
an extremely well done and poignant piece of poetry here! Most excellent in every regard! bravo... bravo.. bravo...
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Oh Becks.
I've read this piece before and I still get misty eyed thinking about this... I really hope you are alright this Christmas and that everything is working out for you.
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I'm so glad you won the silver for this Rebekah, it's a heartbreakingly sad but beautiful poem. Thank you for you explanations too.
When I first read it I was wondering about some of the things you were saying because I don't know your circumstances, only that this is anintensely vulnerable and personal write.
I understand your feelings of regret in the sense that I think we all blame ourselves for "stuff" after we lose a loved one. I know I did.
I'm sure your lovely brave husband is in Heaven, loving you and watching over you. I hope one day you will be free of this pain love.
Leila xx
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Congratulations for winning the silver trophy with this great piece of work. I enjoyed it very much. Love ya, Cathy
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I loved this poem! Very sad indeed but it was a wonderful write. Thank you for sharing.
-Tim
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Ek voel jou smart.......ek sien jou trane. EK huil saam jou in hierdie een. Cuffed are we all.
Dis stunning pop.
Wie het jou hart hier gevang
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Sad
So full of sorrow and sadness I deeply feel for you and wish I could just hug you right now Your such a strong woman. I am assuming this too was written for your late husband. A strong and loving man I am sure. You were blessed to have him in your life and he will ALWAYS be with you and your daughter All my love!
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Wondering
If this write is expresssing a loss of a loved one because of his position. But whatever it is wonderfully penned
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Nice, very nicely written:-)
Deep, and draws empathy on your pain.
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An intriguing narrative
THis is not quite what I had in mind for this contest. But you have told such an intense account beautifully in your poetic words, and extensively back it up with your writer's notes. I'll let it stand.
David
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Thank you for such beautiful work, I am on the verge of tears. One can barely begin to empathise with you, the depth of emotion in these words is staggering.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for being brave enough to share and allowing healing to take the form of words.
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quite an effort here to explain what needs no explanation, complex emotions have their own purposes; healing... very well done here...PK
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I love the emotion in this. The poem is so strong, and so powerful.
I love the way you really bring the poem to life with the vivid
Displays of emotion in this piece. It is very well penned.
The verbatim is flawless, very very strong as well, to say
The least. This is a great write. Thanks for sharing it with
All of us.
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Amazing, darling. I'm speechless.
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nice image u added *nods*
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Very well done. its a nice well rounded penned poem and its also a very nicely done poem as well you helping to explain it to us really helps alot as it adds more meaning to the poem and any ways well as I state dbefore its a very well written poem. keep up the good work
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I really liked the analytical part. The image makes a lot of sense!
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This is so strong and so powerful, you have a gift for painting emotion and you share that gift with us all. In the Bible (Romans 13:1 – 4) God tells us that he ordained and blesses Police Officers to do His will; they are angels of peace.
Love,
Amera♥
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I loved the meaning in this poem. It's almost as I could feel the emotions themselves.
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Great poem all round with some very strong wording through out your poem. your authors note sums this up brilliantly and it makes this a very attractive well rounded poem. anyways awesome poem with so much depth and flow that really made this a very attractive poem. any ways keep up the good work. Signed, Paul
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Had to come read this again...
We feel so trapped sometimes. [cuffed] but I realize now that many times that moment of truth becomes a stone, a building block. And we grow passed that, looking back at our poetry, we sometimes see our own mistakes in the way we were thinking!
I hope you can find those keys to unlock your heart!
GREAT JOB!! -
You certainly have a great way with words. You write as one that knows how to touch the heart and caress the soul. Wonderful job! Thank you for sharing and best wishes to you. Keep that pen handy dear poet. ~Midnight Lace
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I really loved this. You are an amazing poet and a strong woman. You really deserved gold with this.
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'their absence cuff me'
should probably be either their absense(s) cuff me or
'their absence cuff(s) me' to remain grammatically correct.
Really enjoyed your imagery, and good usage of the metaphor you chose
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I love the sincerity and raw emotions of losing a love one that I felt wrap about me while I was reading this poem. It especially hits close to home for me because I come from a family full of policemen. I think you have captured the feelings that a widow of a police officer feels. If this is written based on a personal experience of your own, I am sincerely sorry for your loss.
~TXCowgirl -
bittersweet
sad, and bittersweet story about the lost of a loved,very well written all I can do is applaud you!
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EXCELLENT!
"Cuffed by fears" There is a psychological truth, "We create what we fear". Guilt is an expensive trip to go on and to send another on. The key is to unpack the bag of guilt and live on, in memory of her husband, and because "her" life depends on it. I have been "cuffed by fear" and lost even more than I'd already lost "creating what I feared". Your author's comment complements your write quite well.
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Really lovely Poetry!!!
I can see how you compare the stars to the guilt, and the handcuffs that is the guilt.
Very very well thought of!!!
Looking forward to buy your book!!!
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When pen touches paper and the last line is writ the poem is no longer yours, but ours. I see no reason to self interpret each line and stanza to the reader; let the read infer his or her own message as to what the poem is about. I saw no police officer when I read this poem but a person blaming and lamenting the loss, perhaps due to negligence, of a loved one. When the comments come in then you can try to clarify if you so wish. I don't know how many times I have left a comment on a poem and read something the poet never intended and they have come back and said "Yeah I see why you thought that" a great poem can mean different things to many people and this poem is great.
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Cuffed ?
My main suggestion is to place a warning BEFORE the poem starts that the comments MUST be read first to enable the reader to understand the poem's message. I have made the suggestion to Kevin that it makes pure common sense (it works for me) to put the comments box before the poem, but as usual no reply and no action. So one must get in the habit of reading comments first (on this site) but this is a hard (for me) process for me to do, as I tend to read in sequence from habit, as it progresses down the page. It also removes the necessity of reading a poem twice (or shrugging the shoulders and not bothering to go back )
As for the words and the writing of the poem, they should come from your mind and feelings, otherwise it can end up in a mish mash of differing interpretations, and again adds strength to the suggestion above.
Cuffed is a word rarely if ever used here in Oz, and as this is a worldwide site I can imagine some problems in its' use so maybe there is another choice that is more universal.
Barry
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I really liked this. I loved that u can admit that u r owned my what u fear most! And the way u said it was beautiful! Some ppl can realized what they fear. Great poem darling, keep up the good poem! Ciao!
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You are just amazing ...
My dear, I’ve walked quite a few ‘roads’ in my 51 years on this earth, but not this one. I’ve lost a daughter, a mother, a father and some very close friends … but never my spouse. But, the guilt expressed in this poem is a heavy weight. I understand what it feels like to be ‘between’ … the loss and recovery of someone I love, and a few things about the grieving process. In my unstudied opinion, expressing your heart like you have in these words is the most wonderful path one can find back to wholeness. Thanks for sharing this with us. Love, Sultan.
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This is such a lovely poem and so very heartwrenching. Sorry to hear of your tragic loss and I hope that someday it will be a little easier. But nonetheless, wonderful poetry here, well done. Keep penning.
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Hey there, I fixed this poem up.. was still a bit "raw", maybe you would like to have a look???
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well, you certainly have the event in your life for the contest option... let's see how a simple guy like me reacts to your piece here... ah, my technical side comes forth- so let me put on my tinkerer's hat and pretend it is my own piece I'm working on... it needs one more syllable in the last part of the last line, around the 'fears' to make it flow; maybe commas after 'burdened' and 'broken' to set them off from their associated thoughts... oops, a plural- 'lies' should be 'lie' or 'lay', maybe describe the drawer, like dusty, to fill in the scene... why the guilt? Maybe grief there, with more description, like 'married this grief' that cuffs my heart... in front of 'key' maybe 'I have no', (the more I's and you's make it more emotional); don't know why there are fears in the end, maybe the fears of life alone, so maybe the guilt 'mingled' with fears... (I might leave this 'guilt' in, for there is always something we regret, hey! maybe 'regret' instead)
So that is where I'd be tinkering with it...!
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Hey there.... I fixed it up!!! But might need you to check it out again please!!!!!!!!
Hope it works this time
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Please put the option you chose in the author's notes. Thanks!!!
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