Withered and wilted
the roses are dying.
Just like our love
we still keep on trying.
We thought we'd be forever
me and you.
But the staying up late
and the fights we create.
We didn't have a clue.
It's hard to say you're sorry.
It's hard to say goodbye.
So much easier to ignore.
So much easier to lie.
Leaving isn't easy.
You've become a habit of mine
The clock ticks on painfully
and screams.. we're out of time.
Author notes
hope there is enough feeling in this one for you.. if not sorry...
A contest entry
- I want DEEP emotion! make me feel... by gochristyromano.
600 points, ended November 5, 2007, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poems That Should Have Won...But Didn't by trista.
1050 points, ended February 24, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I agree with some of the other comments here that you have good emotion in the poem. I think a lot of people would be able to relate to that feeling of being "out of time" in a relationship, sad as it is to say.
There are a couple of things I noticed right away when I read this. Firstly, since this is a subject that has been written about over and over again, it's important to find a unique way of expressing it...which I don't really feel this does. You have a good start on some poetic devices that can help you do that, like the metaphors of the roses and clock. Unfortunately, those have been used as metaphors so often that they too have become cliché. Try finding similarities between uncommon things - comparing time to a credit card or a lemon, for example, and you'll wake your readers up and make them think, "Hey! I never thought of that before!".
The second thing I noticed is that the rhyming is very simple, with words that have been rhymed together wayyyy often. If you aren't familiar with Rhymezone.com or a similar web site, it might be something to check out. In addition to true rhymes, it'll give you ideas for slant rhymes, alliteration, synonyms, etc. that can help spice up your poems.
On the plus side, I liked your title, as it is very metaphorical and snagged my attention. The rhythm and flow are quite good, with the exception of the shorter 6th line. Some of your punctuation could be tweaked to improve it even more. The emotion is, IMO, the strongest part of the write and conveyed well.
Thanks so much for your entry, and please keep in mind these are only my opinions...for whatever they’re worth.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
first off, never apologize for your piece, especially not this one. It was very well written, and the rhyme scheme was really interesting, it added a lot to your poem. It wasn't the most descriptive of poems, but it did portray your emotions very well, which is often a hard thing to do using simpler language. And I love your use of flowers and the clock as metaphors, the fact that they are everyday materials that could truly be there in the setting makes it feel more realistic. Great job, and good luck in the contest!
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thanx
for you kind comments..I appreciate them..it is always nice to hear that a fellow poet enjoys your work..thanx again and Blessed Be,
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Wow...can I ever feel this! Wonderful expressions here. Best of luck!
Love~
Az
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Yes this if full of deep hurting emotions...you did an excellent job of expressing them. I could feel this poem...wonderful job
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I liked it - torn between the personal need to express and then confirming, I really liked the opening lines and wanted that flow to continue - however it would have probably been less personal. and that is its strongest point, it reaches out to the reader.
Great ending, should do well in the contest, it has a very honest feel.
Good luck.
xxxxxxxxxx
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