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Ghastliness

 

This gruesome sight before my eyes

from mother's womb a monster cries

A heinous sound I must confess
to seeing the birth of ghastliness

 

Ripping through her waist then belly

two small claws shred her flesh like jelly

Scratching scathing for its first breath

opening a hole from within her chest

 

One horn then two poke out the hole 

I see its eye, what a gruesome soul

One wing appeared and then the other

It then took flight I ducked for cover 

 

The little winged bastard flew out the door

and haunts my mind for evermore.

 

 

 

Author notes

WORD BANK: Gruesome heinous belly scathing little eye winged bastard

♥ Demons, 'blueberry'

Author: Timespell

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 72 of 72

  • Symphony
    April 15

    Edit | Reply
    Holy Mary Mother of ... This had me shuddering!

    Excelelntly written, so creepy and dark - y9kes!

    Thanks for entering


  • deadcolor dreams
    April 6

    Edit | Reply
    This poem is over fifty words, i have to remove it from the contest. How good this poem is is irrelevant, please read a contest before you enter one and save us both some trouble.


  • ladyhelenaofsorrows
    February 18

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    Vivid and horrific imagery! Yay! lol
    Thanks for entering this. The rhyme is done very well, and does add to the tone of this piece. The one thing I would change is to put a comma between scratching and scathing in the second stanza. Great write, I'm adding you to the finalists' list.
    -Lena


  • knitonepearlone
    November 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Powerful use of imagery and an exellent rhyme scheme combine to make this a truly horrific tale.

  • poets whisper silver member
    November 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    sounds like you watched "Alien" the other night too. God I hate that movie it really creeps me out. lol. thanks for entering


  • vampireblood
    September 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was good. Vivid imagery to
    None the less it was good, thanks for sharing. Also thank you for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
    Vampy


    • Timespell
      September 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      yeah...thanks for commenting on this one... All the best T.S


  • Dark Prince Chaos
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    good work short sweet i like it you win j/k good work nether less talent i can see in this if you would have taken it futher i liked and good luck in my contest and thank you for joining -bows-


  • RawrSmileBabyPlz
    June 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i like this alot you made me spill my drink this is very well written and i like it dearly. thanks for entering my contest i wish you the best of luck


  • herrlurch
    May 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    SCARY, M.S., SCARY!

    Just surfed your site again and found the time (well, not really) to drop some lines ... This is a really forceful poem that scared my guts and bowels and what there is to scare away! As EnchantedDeath put it, I am "quite captivated"...
    Cheers, Götz


  • Werewolf Avarus
    May 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for the entry, it was a very vivid write, but enjoyable to read. One thing I'd like to point out though is that there is something else missing from your arthurs box, so can you please go back and read the rules, thanks.

    Good luck!

    'Wolf


  • Luckintheshadows
    May 14, 2008

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    This is a truly revolting poem...lol...oh my, the imagery is so good it makes my stomach turn!!! absolutely brilliant...thanks for sharing this,

    Luck.


  • Heavens Child
    April 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! I think this is going to give me nightmares tonight...lol. Best wishes and thank you for entering.


  • Amunet Wolfbane Moderators member
    March 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is freakin creepy, but i love it You've great style in this piece and I must admit to being quite captivated.


  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    March 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is very ghastly indeed. I like the rhyming in this and the blatant... ghastliness of it? What else is there to call it *smile*


  • Celticmoon
    March 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a rather gruesome little write you have penned. Written well and with a great flow and rhyme.
    Thank you for entering.
    Best of luck to you!


    Blessings
    Bel

  • know one
    February 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    cool

    I like the rhyme in this poem it flowed really well


  • Florida Sunshine
    February 17, 2008

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    I hate to say this ~ but this really made me laugh ~ only because I have given birth ~ and this is almost what it can feel like.  When I was little I wasn't the best kid in the world ~ wasn't bad in the legal sense just really mischievious ~ My mom, said I hope you have a child just like you ~ I responded "Yeah, ME too" ~ when I gave birth ~ it felt like this ~ so I watch as my wickeness spawned out ~ surprisingly enough I got the opposite ~ an angel of a kid who wouldn't do anything bad at all ~ even when I gave her permission.

    Thanks for entering the "Set the Bar" contest ~ it was nice to have these memories brought back to life ~ I do appreciate you sharing your work with me ~ it is quite a wicked little write ~ best of luck to you


  • VoltaicHypnosis
    February 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey this is pretty good! I dont let trophie winners win though Wicked write ^.^


  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    February 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ooh, this is very cool... Creepy, yes, but cool. I always found gorefests pretty incredible, if you do it right, which you have. Great job, and good luck to you


  • VoltaicHypnosis
    January 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    By the way, .......... FARK I love The Raven


    • Timespell
      January 14, 2008
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      I will see if I can come up with a fresh one. Your contest has Five hours to go...LOL

      All the best,

      ~T.S~

  • VoltaicHypnosis
    January 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow this is so awesome, if i wasn't against giving pre-writes trophies, I think you'd get one. As it is, you may get and honourable mention but whatever happens, know that I am wrapped to have this poem in my contest!!!!!

    • Timespell
      January 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      OK...

      I would of done a fresh write if I had known that, but to be honest with you, I have already done two fresh writes tonight for other contests. I might of struggled a bit.

      Thanks again for reading and commenting.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~


  • georgie
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow!!! being a mother and with one on the way this tis kinda scary lol. lets just hope my lil'un dun have horns... well at least till hes a teenager lol... seriously i dont know why i didnt read this one sooner... as with all your work i love it
    hugs,
    georgie,
    xxx

    • Timespell
      January 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Georgie...
      Yeah...LOL you would not want one of these popping out.hahaha

      But on a serious note...
      Well congratulations for the one on the way.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~


  • Wayne Leon Learmond
    December 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Suitably dark. I like this a lot. Great imagery here. Keep writing, this was very very good indeed.

    Wayne Leon

    • Timespell
      December 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Wayne.

      I do like how this one turned out. I had to create this poem from a word bank as well.

      Thanks for reading and for commenting.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~

  • georgie
    December 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    mmmm nice...i can see why u have so many trophys. i dont normally enter comps but lately have read so much gr8 stuff i want to post it for other ppl.
    hugs,
    georgie,
    xxx

    • Timespell
      December 21, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      HEHEHE...

      Well like I said before... If you get given a picture prompt or Word bank to work from. It's surprising what you can come up.
      Like this one for instance...LOL

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~


  • andie11
    December 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    i like it

    i really like the vivid images your writing produces in my mind when i read your work. regardless of how f***ed up the images are! good work.

    • Timespell
      December 13, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      LOL

      Thanks... Thats the main thing with poetry or story's, being able to paint a mental picture for the reader. Glad you liked this one of mine.

      Thanks again for reading and commenting.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~


  • Shikamaru-Nara
    November 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Judging has come and I must remove you from the Preliminary Finalists place.

    I'm sorry but others have surpassed you.

    Good luck in any future contests!

  • near1202apocalypse
    November 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    hmmmm... interesting! never heard a poem like this before but it is very well done! gave great imagery!

    • Timespell
      November 4, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks... I am glad you like it, It is one of those poems that grow on people...LOL

      Thanks again.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~


  • Nuclear
    November 3, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I already have a fear of child birth, and this added to it.

    Good job.


    • Timespell
      November 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      LOL

      Yeah... This could put you off the idea for ever!

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~


  • neoladyem
    October 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I totally going to get nightmares from reading this poem now thank you. I kind wish you didn't write so detial in way. I mean that good and all but now I got all those horrible thoughts in my head about the scene you just described! So you did your job very well.


    • Timespell
      October 27, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      The poem done it's job in scaring you then.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~


  • ms-cuddles
    October 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This would haunt me too. Great write and a little scarry too. If I'd seem something like this, I'd never watch another birth ever! Thank you for entering and good luck. Hugs~ Cuddles

    • Timespell
      October 26, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      I think the world would be scared if this ever happened...
      Thanks for reading and leaving a nice comment.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~

  • Shikamaru-Nara
    October 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love it! This had good imagery, and I could feel discomfort and sadness she was feeling.

    Preliminary Finalist!


    • Timespell
      October 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks, Glad you liked this poem.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~


  • LadyDementia gold member
    October 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Wicked!

    This was fab! The rhythmic flow and gruesome imagery was superb! Well done on the HM and good luck in this contest!


  • Tarja
    October 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    First... congrats on the honorable mention and good luck in the current contest. This was very interesting. I was intrigued by the creative word choice and the rhyming was great too..


    • Timespell
      October 14, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you Tarja

      Thank you, Glad you liked it,

      ~T.S~


  • liquidmindforever gold member
    October 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Ripping through her waist then belly

    In re-reading all the entries from LORDS OF DARKNESS
    I question whether or not you mean "waist then belly"
    or "waist thin belly" The way you wrote seems the most appropriate, but I need ask for clarity and judging.

    Thank you,
    liquid


    • Timespell
      October 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for asking, I would say it would be "waist and belly

      Thanks again.

      ~T.S~


  • Timespell
    October 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Thank you

    Thanks you for reading glad it scared you.

    All the best,

    ~T.S~


  • MaybeSoon
    October 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This was somewhat creepy but it was written really well and it flows really nicely.

  • loving
    October 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    wow, this is slightly disturbing but i like the raw, no holds baring, way it flows


    • Timespell
      October 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks a lot for reading glad you liked my poem.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~


  • Nikkisixxx
    October 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    That was great - and I liked the afternote!


    • Timespell
      October 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      LOL

      Thanks Nikki, Yeah I see what you mean, regarding the word bank.

      Cheers.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~


  • Dragon Flame
    October 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    is this meant to be some kind of sonnet? It is definitely an interesting write thats for sure! I like the style and the rhyme and rhythm works fairly well too. One small query, the second line of the second stanza doesn't quite flow like everything else. I was wondering perhaps in the line 'two small claws shred her like jelly' it should be 'shred her flesh / skin like jelly'? this adds an extra syllable and makes it flow even better. Just a suggestion. Otherwise a good write. well done x

    • Timespell
      October 5, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks


      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my poem. I believe you are right regarding the second line of the second stanza. So have edited the poem, and the flow looks spot on. so thanks for that one.

      Thanks again really appreciate your feedback and recommendation for this piece of work, Thanks again.

      All the best,

      ~T.S~


  • AngelicMistress gold member
    October 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    TS:

     

    This piece is very good and you have that "art" of telling a story that just keeps the reader

    "THERE" to the end, humorously the ending was unexpected..... I liked that as well.....

     

    Poet, please keep on penning, you certainlydo this well..... Again, thank you for sharing with me on this site.....

     

    Be blessed always,

     

    Tanya *hug* 

    • Timespell
      October 4, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Tanya


      Thank you, your words of encouragement mean a lot to any poet. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

      All the best

      ~T.S~


  • Cirket
    October 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Holy MOleY THat was COOL!

    Such a weird and great poem. I was thinking... WHAT THE HELL??? all the time! You did great! Id give u applause but I dont have any more free! Darn it... Oh well that was so cool! Really it was.

    • Timespell
      October 3, 2007

      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Circet

      I do like this competitions, They make me come up with all sorts of Strange And Weird things...

      Thanks again I do appreciate you reading and leaving a comment.

      All the best

      ~T.S~


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    October 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    AND OH WOW, I never even realized you wrote from a Word bank. WOW. That just brings this up one notch further. Superb!


    • Timespell
      October 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Yes the Word bank, it does distract me a bit but makes you think deeper, which is always good.

      ~T.S~


      • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
        October 2, 2007
        Edit | Reply

        T.S.

        I LOVE word banks. AM addicted to them. It's almost unnatural. LOL I think you did a great job!

  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    October 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Eeeek

    Truly a haunting vision forever. Wonderful visuals here, if I can say wonderful about gruesome. LOL Which in this case I can. There was NO mistaking that image. Quite a horror of a sonnet you have going here sir. Well done. ~Pamela

    • Timespell
      October 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      LOL

      Thanks Pamela, Well I had to come up with something that was hideous and scary. I think this is as gruesome as can be.

      Thanks for reading much appreciated.

      All the best

      ~T.S~

  • liquidmindforever gold member
    October 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSss
    TERRICAL!
    Thanks for entering LORDS OF DARKNESS.
    FUN.
    love light peace and "lwb's"
    liquid


    • Timespell
      October 1, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      hehehe

      LOL... Glad you liked my twisted side!!!


      All the best

      ~T.S~

  • liquidmindforever gold member
    October 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Dear Poet,
    Please put the words from word bank in author's notes and then I will comment on Ghastliness.
    Thank you,
    liquid

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