He burnt my lips
{ like the fireflies }
on the summer hot cement
which led us
{ through the longer grass }
to but a twinkle in our eyes;
a mother soothing knees
{ as the floral dress }
tumbled from the slide.
Author notes
Usually prompts don't inspire me, but I had a little rendezvous earlier today.
To lee, I appreciate criticism, and have changed the second line.
Layout changed, realised I had "lead" instead of "led", "though" intead of "through".
A contest entry
- what is lovely never dies by Nicolette.
1000 points, ended October 7, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - best prewrites by serenity silvermoon.
600 points, ended April 6, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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WOW... such an improvement here. It's almost as if it's a different poem yet you kept the same wording.... just shows what can be done with line breaks and the variety of interpretations and nuances it allows. Well done - and thank you for being such a sport about this - I truly appreciate it. Of course this is your poem and as you've said a poem is like a diary. I can't agree more as I truly believe that writing poetry is the same as keeping a diary.
Thank you and again, well done!
~ Nicolette
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There's no real need to thank
- what's the point in accepting criticism if you aren't going to work with it?
=> Jess
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Oh YES! Wow! I just knew there would be a huge difference. I don't know that I understand how spacing makes a difference but it truly does. I read it this time with new eyes....and the hair stood up on my arms. Much Much Much better!
~Lyrical
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Thank you - not so much for the praise, as for the affirmation of criticism leading to the improvement. Your part, si vous voulez.
=> Jess
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Nicolette has given you some great advise. You have the nice images in this. With effective line breaks, they would be more pronounced and be brought closer to the surface, giving this piece a bit more emotion. Nice job though and thanks for the entry.
~Lyrical
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I agree, I've been playing around with line breaks since yesterday. It just can be awkward, as my poetry is usually as much a journal entry as anything else - so I'm fond of a more narrative story layout/feel than poetic technicalities of layout. That and the personal nature of the write makes you a little adverse to change.
But it should look a little different in a couple hours.
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Interesting lay-out here - the long sentences. I myself believe that line breaks are one of the most effective poetic devices in free verse and I would perhaps have seen you apply that with more effect.
This poem has an almost haiku-like feel to it (although a much longer haiku) - but still. I liked the first and 3rd lines but when read out aloud I still stumbled on the 2nd part of the 2nd line... the part from "to but a twinkle in our eyes". I also think that "though" must be "through"?
Having said all of that I loved the visuals here and the personal quality of your voice, as well as the lovely sentiments expressed here between mother and child. Thank you so much for this entry.
~ Nicolette
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You're right, it is "through" - and I'm usually very picky with my spelling.
I had played around with line breaks and a few different formats, as well as the wording of the second line, how-ever still came to the write as above.
Over time that might change, at least slightly.
Thank you for taking the time to critique - it's always appreciated (I try to - even without the technical poetic knowledge to back it up),
=> Jess
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im guessing there was a word limit for the other contest. the first and last lines were fantastic. the imagery was realistic enough to keep the sentiment grounded but whimsical enough to speak to a true love.
the second line. where the primary action should be taking place is awkwardly worded and doesnt provide a very smooth transition into your resolution.
the piece makes its audience connect too many dots. i would recommend changing te description of your action and completely leaving out the apple of my eye bit. the other two lines carry the emotional weight for you. you just need to get some movement in the piece. -
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Merci, I'll play around with my extra 16 words when I get home. (Now; 7:30am).
Or maybe durin the French session, I'll see how it goes.
I'll probably find a way to keep the apple, as I get sentimentally attached to some phrases, and my poetry is as much a journal entry as anything else. (Often at the expense of appreciation or comprehension, but we all have our priorities).
I agree the second seems awkward rereading.
Cheers,
=> Jess
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very sweet with incredible purity
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cute little piece here, I could almost see the mother helping the little girl. Best of luck in the contest, hopefully this piece gets a shiny
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