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Just living- (Edited)

It’s odd that you label me cynical.
Your pretty naivety never got you
Anywhere.
The boys are set on keeping you convinced
They love you while your legs are spread.
Astringent fingers baiting to
Contaminate.
Yet still you scream me sour,
How sweet are you now pretty girl?
Meth dust coats the strawberries,
The seeds are stuck between your cheap veneers.
The acid trips,
Concealer couldn’t cover
Wearing lines beneath the eyes
I used to know.
I’m not bitter baby, just living.
Just living…
That’s all.

Author notes

Mood ring turns red

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Monkei gold member
    November 19, 2007

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    Overall I like it. It is definately raw and honest. That said, I don't like the capitalization at the beginning of every line, and I think perhaps it could be broken up a bit. Thanks for the entry.


  • Exodus gold member
    October 5, 2007

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    Oh what a brilliant take on the prompt! I already knew this was going to be an extremely hard contest to judge but you've made it so much harder.
    I love some of your imagery, so intense and harsh. You combine words that sound beautiful with others that almost leave an acidic taste on the back of your tongue, it's a great mix!
    I think you could break it up a little more. Just looking at it I can see some easy places to put in stanza breaks.
    Other than that this was just wonderful, really an enjoyable read. In fact I went back and read it again


  • chugglepuff
    October 3, 2007

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    Good job, an excellent take on the prompt with some great imagery!

    A few things that didn't work as well as the rest of the poem for me (but I don't know much about this kind of style of poetry, so it's probably prudent to totally ignore me...):
    - having "lines" on its own line. I think putting emphasis on "contaminate" and "anywhere" was a good idea, but I didn't feel "lines" needed the same emphasis.
    - "keeping you convinced,/ They love you". I'm not sure it needs the comma, and I feel it stops it flowing so well. You could consider writing "keeping you convinced/ That they love you", but "that" feels like a baggage word to me, so... I don't know.
    - "acid trips concealer" I would prefer as "acid trip concealer" (not tripS) because it sounds better to me, and I think you'd be more likely to say the concealer is like an acid trip than like acid trips. But that's just me.

    "Astringent fingers baiting to/ Contaminate," is probably my favourite part of this, lovely vocabulary and I like the repetition of the "ate" sound. I also particularly like the opening and "Beneath the eyes I used to know." The ending is good, open to interpretation, to me it felt quite bleak.

    Best of luck in the contest!

  • disparate
    October 2, 2007

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    It saddens me that a lot of women can be described like that. You have some really fantastic imagery here, how you incorporated the idea of different contaminants she lets into her body.. very interesting. The ending of this seems almost lyrical.. I like the irony, too. Go for the fun side of life, and look how you end up. Barely living at all.

    Well done.