Blurted from my fingertips
there was no thought intent,
To take back what had spewed,
and what had just been sent.
These constipated mind games
engaging in my head
Are insecure reminders,
of past things that were said.
Gaps in our togetherness
a mental space that's skewed,
Boiling thoughts invading,
my mind becomes unglued.
‘Nasties’ dripped from what I saw
how snide those words appear
That I had utter such to you
the one I hold so dear.
Author notes
This piece was the result of an on-line conversation. It will be published by the Poetry Institute of Canada in the spring. Of course, this doesn't mean that this piece is 'perfect'!
A contest entry
- One by Nam.
425 points, ended October 6, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
tell me what you think, constructively.
Comments
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"there was no thought intent,
To take back what had spewed"
Going with the second line, the comma after "itent" doesn't seem correct to me. Without the comma it would read as an enjambment, especially with the word "To" beginning the second line. I could be incorrect.
"To take back what had spewed"
I read a lot of 18th-19th century periodicals and poetry, and I notice that when they use the word "and" when creating a semi-new thought, they use a comma. In saying that, I feel there should be a comma after "spewed" since the next line begins with an "and". I'm trying to better equate myself with punctuation though I rarely use it in my own work - well, sort of.
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The first two lines are referring to me 'shouting'(sending) something without thinking about what I was saying and realizing afterwards how wrong I was. Making an analogy to 'running off at the mouth'. And as far as the comma, thank you for clarifying that for me!!! It was one of those things I wasn't sure of. Will correct that. I make an attempt at correct punctuation, because some of it is common sence, but if it is used, please use it in a correct way! Thanks for comments.
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