~
Tainted oxygen--
sipping from my steaming cup
others smell coffee
~
corrections done. suggestions needed.
Tainted oxygen--
others smell the aroma
of my steamed coffee
~
A contest entry
- Haiku Workshop-Fragments and Phrase by azure85.
790 points, ended October 16, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
i donno if this is correct...
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Thank you for entering our workshop.
Tainted oxygen--
sipping from my steaming cup
others smell coffee
I see your answer to Susie question about the tainted oxygen and that makes sense to me. Line 3 just seems to sound awkward to me me. i don't really have a reason why. It is just a feeling. A possible suggestion could be:
Tainted oxygen--
sips from my steaming cup
smelling the aroma
Just one person's idea. What do you think? -
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how about like
Tainted oxygen--
others smell the aroma
of my steamed coffee -
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I think that is a good revision.
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Welcome to our workshop.
Tainted oxygen--
sipping from my steaming cup
others smell coffee
I am trying to understand L1, (unless people are smoking around you while drinking coffee, that would explain it) I like you using the sense of smell within your haiku, so I will come back to look for some feedback about L1 before suggesting revisions.
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i looked it up and i found out that the word "tainted" doesn't have to be bad. "blended" was another definition. so i'm just saying that another smell is in the air.
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