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miniature weight-
leaves rustle so slightly as
a robin rests from flight
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Rained on feathers--
leaves rustle so slightly as
a robin rests from flight
(I changed it so that there's 4 syllables in the first line and 6 in the last. legal?)
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Rained on feathers--
leaves rustle so slightly as
a robin rests
(wow... change never rests... does it. it:s a good thing though.)
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Rain soaked feathers--
leaves rustle so slightly as
a robin rests
(giggle. i used "soaked"!)
~
A contest entry
- Haiku Workshop-Fragments and Phrase by azure85.
790 points, ended October 16, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
i hope
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Quite Good
what I really liked about this poem was how good it is. what I also really liked about this too was the coolness of the wording through out each one of them. nice job with all of them and I browsed through your comments and well you really took them to heart and that defines who a true poet is and I like that. nice work and keep it up
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It reads and sounds better to me.
In my opinion this has a clear image and works well.
Andrew
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I like the revision you have here though L1 does sound odd, would you use rained on feathers if you were telling a friend about the image? Normally most people would use soaked or drenched.
In L2 do you need the word 'so'?
You said, 'I changed it so that there's 4 syllables in the first line and 6 in the last. legal?'
Haiku arn't written in syllables, this was a misconception, Basho wrote with upto 21 (and he knew how to write them), in Japan a haiku it written in one line and is measured by one easy breath. The way haiku are broken down into three lines is a western aspect to fit pages when written across rather than down. So how you arrange your syllables is really upto you.
This is coming along nicely.
Good luck in the contest.
Andrew
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well. i used your advice. come see if you still don't like L1.
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good suggestions. but the hosts clearly stated that they wanted images instead of statements. if i said "soaked bird" (because normally i would just use that when telling it to a friend) they would suggest i change it.
and the rules asked for 17 syllables at max. i donno about real haiku rules and all and since you sound really smart i'm sure you're right. but just for this contest i need to keep it at 17. thanks though. now i know i can arrange it however i want.
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I don't know the answer to the overall syllable-count you mentioned, Teddibly. Most of my own haiku I try to keep to less or maximum 5-7-5 syllables per-line.
I don't know if you prefer to keep this haiku at the 17-syllable max. I think you could probably trim L3 down to simply "a robin rests."
It's a delicate and quiet image you've drawn by this haiku and I really enjoyed the read. Best wishes to you in the contest!
Jo
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i really thought of that.. but it kind of sounds too abrupt for me. does it sound fine like that though? i guess it does give it more of a "image" feeling.
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Hi Teddibly...I don't think the shortened last line leaves it feeling "abrupt" but I'm thinking what you may be sensing is that the rest of the haiku may feel "heavy" in the way of extra word-weight to so light an image as you're trying to convey.
For instance, what I'm sensing of what you're expressing of an image here is:
soft rain
rustling leaves slightly
a robin
I didn't think "from flight" was needed, because it was obvious the robin was flying before coming to the tree. It's also something the reader automatically sees that the robin is resting in the tree being he's not flying, so "resting" is unnecessary as to the overall image.
I think by the example I've offered you, you can see the leaves' quiet rustling by either the rain or the robin, and it makes for a nice image by sight and sound.
Lemme know what you think, OK?
Jo
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aww:
ok here:s where i say "Now why didn't I think of that????"
thanks though. it makes total sense and i think it's awesome that you've given me awesome advice for the poor future haikus i might write. k k. i'll change it, maybe even come up with something better (although i:m not gonna be holding my breath) and vwala.... (however you spell it) thanks so much for helping me
did you enter the contest yourself? i would very much like to oo and ahh over it.
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Thank you for entering our workshop.
miniature weight-
leaves rustle so slightly as
a robin rests from flight
I see that Susie has already given you some very good suggestions. I would like to recommend a syllable counter that is available on line. It has helped me immensely, when I remember to use it.
http://www.wordscount.info/hw/syllable.jsp -
Welcome to our workshop.
miniature weight-
leaves rustle so slightly as
a robin rests from flight
I see you have a traditional 5-7-5 haiku (but L3 has 6 syllables.
L1 seems to be a statement and not an image. Could you try to redo this line, bringing out another aspect contained within your haiku?
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