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Umbrella

There she stands
Centre stage for all to see
Tall and slender
Precariously she balances.

 

I reach out for her

Draw her to me

My hand skims her body

Slowly reaching her skirt.

 

Playful fingers find hidden areas

Delighted her legs spring forth

Displaying the very beauty

Of her delicately adorned skirt.

 

Gaily she dances around

Dizzily twisting and turning

In the brightness of day shading

She gently tends to my needs.

 

Personal ballerina takes to toes leaping

Merrily bobbing up and down

As emotional to her performance

Clouds cry a thousand tears for her.

 

Reaching our destination

Slightly shaken, she leans

Watches me quietly drips

Against the wall.

 

Reminiscent of the day's fulfillment

We acknowledge one another silently

Restful knowing we shall be

One once more.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 18 of 18
  • piccola silver member
    June 26, 2008

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    Perhaps I misconstrue but this is a contest for erotica...is there hidden meaning that I just don't get?


  • pattyann4500
    June 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    If you get two reviews from me, blame the system. I left one already, but it isn't showing. So, here goes...

    I like your poem very much. You used intimacy and seduction to bring your umbrella to life, and I found it perfectly delightful. Thank you for entering my contest. Patricia


  • XXCrimsonRaineXX
    January 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    excellent job. i loved the simple elegance, grace, and beauty of this poem. awesome job. i love this. it is truely an amazing write.


  • Delicate Fire Water
    January 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like this, it's a poem that's very easy to imagine from. I see you entered this into a contest, congratulations on your trophy winning! I hope to be reading more of your writes soon, and keep up the good work!

    All the best,

    ~Stephi-Dawne~


  • Perception
    January 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What you have here, is a beautifully crafted piece of poetry.

    That's all i have to say


  • Kari gold member
    January 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was totally stunning, and the imagery was very real in this piece. Very well done, and congrats on your honorable mention.
    Kari


  • angro6963
    December 31, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    one word

    beautiful


  • Heavenly Angel silver member
    November 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderfully and beautifully sensual
    You've done a fine job with creating this piece!
    Thank you for sharing and for being a part of this contest; I wish you the best of luck!


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    October 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You have done a marvelous job with personification here. The "finding secret parts" almost sounds as if you're about to do some lovemaking, but then it only speaks of her skirt. I found that slightly unbalanced. There are a few places where commas would aid your reader in understand and bring emphasis to certain phrases, but the PERSONIFICATION aspect of the piece is very well done. I will be sending your score.

  • K-Dense
    October 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You imagery is improving.

    My only currently suggestions:

    1) This is just a habit of my own, but I invite you to experiment with it; Don't repeat words unless it's absolutely necessary. (In this case, "skirt") It gives you more authority as the speaker/narrator, and shows how large your vocabulary is to your reader.

    2) I challenge you to write a poem of at least two pages length. There is always room for more detail in poetry. The stronger and more concrete the words and imagery, the more the reader will want to keep reading, no matter how long-winded the poem.

    No offense, but I can tell you have yet to read any poems by Jeffrey McDaniel or Rachel McKibbens as I suggested.If I'm wrong, you're not studying them properly.

    Overall, the easiest way to lengthen a poem and add more details is to compare through metaphor and simile AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY.

    To wit, you describe the dancer as "tall and slender." Everyone has different prespectives as to what is tall and slender. To an ant, a midget is a giant. Try something like "tall as a first year foal and as slender as a broom handle."

    Also, ntoice how stronger an imager "Gaily she dances around" becomes when it turns into Gaily she dances around with the ease of a leaf caught in the wind."

    Likewise, "I reach out for her [with longing, weary hands]."

    In short, ALWAYS SPECIFY. Poetry is SHOWING not TELLING.

    Criticisms aside, great work, really.

    -C


  • Amera gold member
    September 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh the image in this is pure delight. Your excellent word choice and melodic flow stimulate the senses and paint a vivid picture of motion and tranquility. This is a pleasure to read.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • Arizona Sunset
    September 30, 2007

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    wonderful imagery, and wow I am just amazed at your skills! this is high quality poetry!


  • W a s p
    September 29, 2007

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    You...

    have come along way in such a short time. Poetry beyond me. You have taken a giant leap forward with this work, very classy, going on to the intellectual. It would grace the pages of any good quality poetry book.


  • vici377
    September 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    exercise buddies and more..lol..your imagery once again is fantastic..absolutely love the last stanza..your ending really completes this write..great job..


  • Whispering Wind Moderators member
    September 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Flowed like sweet cool wine...just the right touch of erotic feelings yet leaving your reader hanging...NICELY DONE!...


  • A60sMan
    September 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a strong piece, Anna-Marie. I especially like how you were able to convey the way in which you like to be touched by showing us with the umbrella. That's good technique and quite erotic. :-)

    There were 3 things I thought you should tighten up:

    The 5th stanza mysteriously has 5 lines, when all others have only 4. This stands out like a sore thumb.

    In the penultimate stanza "watching" and "dripping" are passive "-ing" verbs. I'd try to come up with something using "watches" and "drips".

    Lastly, there are still a couple of typos in the last 2 stanzas --- "Agains"/ and "days" needs an apostrophe.

    A60sMan


  • Bluebook Pet
    September 29, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I love how the image flow gently, it was like touching a ballerina doll inside a music box


  • Pete Greenslade gold member
    September 29, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    barbie,,perhaps,,your a lovely child in your heart , always refreshing xx

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