I loved you in a cold unfurnished room
With yellow leaves browning in the corner,
On bare floorboards.
The house was perfect, and you uttered
“Here I will make my bed; this will be my household”
And there you laid your head,
There upon our bedside table was your picture,
There on our wall hung a mirror and one of those old paintings
Of a sailing ship tossed at sea.
There in the garden, under a willow on a summer blanket
You thought "This is what real women keep quiet,
It doesn't exist if you can hide it."
There I buried my seed in you,
And from the friction between our bodies flashed a spark
(like a frightful revelation to illuminate the dark)
And through the spark, from the seed grew a flame,
Multiplying and burning down the household;
Reminding me of the waves in that vintage golden frame.
I was a sinking ship (and quite unsure what else)
You were the sailor; fleeing on white horses away from the wreck.
In that moment of disaster, you were revealed;
And I was euphoric in the knowing you –
For the moment of disaster was momentary,
And I could find a new vessel before all were dashed upon the cliffs,
Entombed beneath the tides.
And now you lie there in your bed,
The last waves of narcissism lapping over your body,
Dying of the disease that took over your soul,
It’s taking over me.
Author notes
The themes behind this are drawn from my personal experiances, I am The Widower, as it were.
Written in free rhyme.
TexasTUK
A contest entry
- What Wasted Unconditional Love [on somebody who doesnt believe in the stuff] by Mildew in PinK tile.
700 points, ended September 29, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The X Chromosome (700 POINTS) by Shahrazad.
700 points, ended December 6, 2007, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me peaceful writes/Prewrites by Hikari Lady.
900 points, ended November 13, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - round one (for everyone) prewrite contest ENTER ENTER ENTER (AND YES THAT MEAN'S YOU too by serenity silvermoon.
927 points, ended February 16, 1509 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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very deserving of the previous wins...great write!
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I absolutely love how you continued to refer back to the painting of the ship throughout your piece. I'd have to say my favorite part would be, "Reminding me of the waves in that vintage, golden frame." Well written, and thank you for commenting on my poem
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It seemed to lose focus as you went on.
Your first stanza is magnificent. You've used a lot of words, but it all seemed to fit and it didn't feel wordy. But starting in the very next stanza, it was if you got lost in the telling or in the feel of the words and just left us, your readers, behind. It became confusing - which is never a good thing in a poem that is telling a story.
In the third stanza, you've mixed your metaphors - a sailor riding a white horse? Nah. Sailors are on boats; knights ride white horses.
Why is your lover narcissistic? What disease? You lost focus and consequently, so did we.
celtic queen -
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Thanks alot for the comment, I apprieciate any and all well thought out criticism =]
I would like to explain a couple of things though; the first being I wasn't really mixing metaphors with the white horses, just extending the sea/ocean metaphor that I use throughout the poem - the white foam on the crest of waves are called white horses.
Second, I'm sorry if the structure was a bit confusing for you, but I set out to structure the poem a little bit like an italian sonnet - the first stanza sets the scene and context, and then in the second stanza the focus shifts to events rather than settin, which is what I did with the second stanza.
To answer your closing questions, the lover is narcissistic because they love themselves more than the narrator, the disease is selfishness and narcissism. The basic idea of the poem is that while selfishness and narcissism does destroy relationships, its better that the selfishness is revealed, its urges indulged, so that the victim can know better where they stand and move on while they can - "find a new vessel before all were dashed upon the cliffs". The last stanza serves to suggest that selfishness is actually a good thing in relationships (up to a point) in that if you're looking out for your own interests, it saves a lot of heartache in the end - the lover was selfish (and left the narrator, rather than staying in a loveless relationship for the benefit of only the narrator) and as a result the narrator could move forward rather than being stuck waiting for a catastrophic end to the doomed relationship. When I described this as a disease I meant it ironically - most people would initially think that what the lover did was terrible, and that selfishness is a disease, but ironically it's a positive disease.
Hope that cleared up a few things =]
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I liked the imaginary you used in the poem and how you been able to make it a little bit confusing at the closing. Really liked it, so though it doesn't fit in the contest I am not DQ it for the skill you shown in writing it.
Best of luck.
~Noor -
beautiful
liked the "momentary disaster"
did not understand "the last waves of narcissism" , but did like your distinguishing it from her soul.
in short: very well written, but very sad. suppose that's the price one pays for real love
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Wow this is an amazing poem, and I can feel the emotion pulsing through it's veins. I love this, and I don't think it needs any revision at all. It came to me in full force, and in some ways, I can relate. The passion was beautiful. Great job on this, you did really well.
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Magnificently lwritten poem!
many lines were piercing and your imagery was vivid
and bold!
way to write and pierce our tender souls!
well done poet, well done!
ears/Seattle
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Inspiring
It had a pretty deep and unique subject... I really enjoyed reading it. Not only was it well-written, but it was so original and it inspired me to empathize with you because I truly believed that you'd endured the tragedy you wrote of due to the way you expressed yourself so convincingly. -
Emptiness, Lonliness. That which destroyed the lover is now destroying the poet. tragic. I felt connected and moved envisioning the empty room, once filled with love.
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Powerful. It really touches you.
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Excellent use ...
of poetical metaphor and a good summation for the theme of loving and the storms that can o'ertake it, without rhyme or reason. It was tactfully shared and a good "Gold" winner for the contest. Did you mean to add the word "of" in the following line? "I was a sinking ship (and quite unsure what else)"?? Thanks for sharing! joy
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This was so beautifully and passionately written. I could tell the thoughts and feelings in this were genuine. Thank you for the inspiring read!
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SN IN YOUR AUTHORS COMMENTS
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I do not have the words yet to explain what this write made me feel. I love it, I absolutly love it! The most outstnding line(s) are the fourth and fifth in the second paragraph. I think that you have untouchable talent. I love this write.
Love,
Lestat de lioncourt
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