Oh how did the gods tempt me so?
What trap of light do I only see you?
All others cast into the dimness of shadow,
To live in a world devoid I should expire?
What to give to touch that dark skin?
I rest quivering at your reflection.
A gift so good it may well only be a sin.
A sin to charm worship of a mortal man.
What would you do to a nude slave?
I am but a slave to you and your love.
Caught in a dizzying daydream of what I crave.
What to do to a slave, bare, in front of you?
I dream of the love in your hold.
My heart escapes me when you draw near.
I am stripped before you, shuddering and cold,
Yearning the tenderness of your warm embrace.
What would you do to a nude slave?
I am but a slave to you and your love.
Caught in a dizzying daydream of what I crave.
What to do to a slave, bare, in front of you?
Author notes
I feel the poem explains itself well enough... It's the only poem I've ever written out of happiness... It's about my boyfriend...
A contest entry
- Sensuality; Intimacy...PIF by Heavenly Angel.
475 points, ended September 28, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options For Love by lesbian-in-love.
475 points, ended October 30, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - !Homosexual Hallelujah! by JULzz- ROLaa.
435 points, ended October 19, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love..... by love-laugh-live.
450 points, ended November 15, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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its a great write, and theres a lovely meaning behind it...but it doesnt really bring out the homosexuality that im looking for....anyhow, good luck!
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I Chose Option 1...
Love-Laugh-Live's contest... -
Very well written. And it does sure enough explain itself. I love the words you use like slave, mortal man, yearning, daydream, gods, and well it all just goes together. Thanks for entering and good luck
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I think this is deeper then what other people were getting at it is a beautiful poem about love.I like it alot thank you for sharing this piece with me.Best wishes
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I like the form of this one. You used repetition very well in this, good write.
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This is good, it actually reminds me of Shakespear in a way. The questions I guess that need not be answered. The only thing is:
"I dream of the grip of your hold.
My heart escapes my chest when you near."
Those lines are a little awkward. Of the grip of..a lot of prepositions there, but I am a loss for suggestions on correcting it. And the second line should it be "when you come near" or "when you draw nearer"? Or you may have meant it to be that way, if so it just sounds awkward to me, but that is my opinion. Otherwise it was good, if it made me think of Shakespeare then you must be doing something good -
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What do you think?
What do you think about 'my heart escapes me as you draw near' the flee part makes me think running away.... but the draw near point is true.... it sounds better than just near... -
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What about " I dream of your hearty embrace" That way you don't lose the strength of the holding and you get rid of the preposition problem. Embrace has a more sensual ring to it than hold as well.
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Yes, that is much better. Yeah still no clue on the first line I mentioned though.
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Yeah... I see...
I know the awkwardness of it, but It has a distinct meter to so wording is difficult... I've been working on it.... do you have any suggestions as to different wording while still keep the same number of syllables... -
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"My heart escapes my chest when you near."
that could become
"My heart flees my chest as you draw near"
Not sure if you'll like the flees part, but the draws near part makes more sense that way.
As for the first one, I am drawing a blank :/
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Well it was rather a interesting poem
, however I would like to denote some discrepancies i saw. Namely your...meter, keep it consistent, in the first stanza alone you go from 9 - 10 - 11 - 12, that disorder produces bumps in your poem and affects the flow. Next your word choice, you wanted a lewd sex slave? What about terms such as "drive" "want" "control", sexually connotative but fit your meaning as well?
I sincerely enjoyed this poem. Bravo
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Uh....You missed a lot of things....
The meter goes from 8-10-12-11... and that's in all of the stanzas and It's not about a sex slave... its about how I feel naked and vulnerable towards my boyfriend, but I don't care cause I trust him not to misuse my fragility.... Nice analitical skills but i think you missed the overall feel of the poem...
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Great write dude...
Is it about Gi? If it\'s not i\'m gonna tell him.... lol... -
You have done a very good write the poem is unique, sensual, and very vividly worded....I could picture it clearly...and I was also intouch with your emotions........Good luck in the contest......Novy
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So wonderfully sensual this is!
To lay yourself bare before the one you love is the most ultimate gift to me
thank you so much for sharing; I wish you the best of luck in this contest!
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