i cannot sleep
the wooden bench-top
sits solid beneath my humid thoughts
like the all-dependable truth-
with it’s unresponsive face flattened
up against my cheek,
i leave tortoise-shell patterns of sweat;
they, too, will dissolve and fade
with clammy memories by morning.
behind my hunchback the windows
faithfully yawn, but there is no breeze tonight.
stars gather in limp constellations
hanging like hackneyed carcasses
slumped over the hump of wednesday.
night is an unbroken wall
of wallowing void, and with my eyes shut
i feel closer to the ground.
In a list
A contest entry
- kitchen by Melissa Gayle.
360 points, ended September 30, 2007, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites-only by hilly.
300 points, ended October 2, 2007, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I want your best! anything goes, Also hurry because i hate waiting! by urapns66.
350 points, ended April 1, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - SHORT POEMS PART 3 by Blooming Poet.
300 points, ended April 5, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter Your best. by Antebellum.
550 points, ended July 9, 169 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ...Help me by Mokashi Senyu.
400 points, ended August 10, 111 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critique welcome. [seriously, all my poems need critique!]
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
-
A beautifully write. the not capitalizing I thing erks me, but here I am using "erks" and being serious.
A very strong write. -
Thanks so much for entering.
[if you end up in the finals I will comment better]
-
Beautiful poem. I have one little thing that bugs me, your i's need to be capitilized, it just gets annoying fo rme to read and I do not think I am alone. No offence.
-
a very strong poem. when i first read the first line 'I cannot sleep', immediately I was staggered with amazement. sounds verysilly but true. wow.
-
wow very deep, and damn can i relate right now seeings how i have been awake for about 9 hours now and i have to go to school in about 1, i definitely know the feeling of literal unrest. so any way my favorite part would have to be:
"i leave tortoise-shell patterns of sweat;
they, too, will dissolve and fade
with clammy memories by morning."
it definitely holds the whole thing together, and it just sounds cool lol but it has more than just that. great job and good luck! -
Pure awesomeness.So very deserving of gold. Your poetry reminds me of another stellar poet. Hmm. XCan't remember. This is amazing. I love your poetry.
~Candy
-
Congrats on the gold! I can see why it won-- it's sheer beauty. That last stanza... wow. I can't even articulate my thoughts on this, so I apologise for the cruddy comment.
-
This was quite deserving of the gold. I especially loved the second to last stanza - it was laced with such precise and vivid imagery.
Thanks for sharing, and congrats. -
Your ending is divine.
-
I like this a lot. Your wording works really well together. I like the collection of these words; limp, hanging, slump, hump. I especially like the "hump of wednesday." Very cool. The only thing I didn't like was this line:
they, too, will dissolve and fade
I've just never liked "they, too" in poetry. That's a personal preference though, as is this; I think I would've made that line 'to dissolve and fade'
I also loved the use of alliteration, it was subtle enough to be an asset to the poem. In general, people overuse it and it becomes annoying. You did well. I love this. -
Yipee
This poem is amazing (all of yours are)
I don't know why, but I love how you started the second line in the second (or is it third?) stanza with ' they, too, '. It gives some kind of possibly friendly feeling like its almost a story or conversation.
I also love the metaphor 'night is an unbroken wall'.
Another reason I love this poem is that i think I've been in similar situations and felt the same way, and maybe I'm getting the completely wrong meaning to it, but it works for me all the same...
I am again in awe at where you find these words. Have you guzzled another fourteen dictionaries???
love,
sister
-
-
it is truly summer
huzzah!
yes i think you have been in similar situations: sat in the dark humidity and contemplated life. there is something mildly comforting about closing your eyes, even if morning will only come at the same speed as always.
i'm only using the same old same old words, m'dear. ah, i would eat fourteen MORE dictionaries if only they weren't so papery!
you should write (me) a poem.
-
-
you are a beautiful creation
-
nice
I like it. a lot. especially the second to last stanza "stars gather in limp constellations..." nice. i'm not sure i like "hackneyed" but i think it's just a personal thing and i have no real reasons for saying it.
my other criticism is that there are a couple too many adjectives...seems a little forced to say "wallowing void" a little too wallowing?
just a thought
otherwise, loved it
-
This is probably my favorite poem from you. Ever.
It just speaks to me. As Plath so eloquently wrote, this poem "speaks to my wound/it corresponds".
When I saw the first line "i cannot sleep" I was like "Greeeeeat it's gonna be one of THOSE poems" sarcastically lol (sorry!) but you've turned it into a work of literary art, truly.
I would copy and paste favorite parts, but I love every line.
Good luck in the contest, sweetie. I hope you win.
Adding your comment:
1 - 15 of 15
