My navel was small and cold,
but you took it from my
cupped hands
when I offered it with
my breath
because my heart
wasn’t ready.
I thought you’d give it back
on some late June evening
when the umbilicus
had warmed;
after all, why
would you want it
when I was so hungry
I must surely
drain you to dry husks?
But even in a wet September
you still wear my
belly button like a ring
on your cuffed hands,
and all I can do is
wonder how you got so full,
and shiver small and cold,
cupped around my
empty middle.
Author notes
Please critique the bejeezus out of it.
~ IrishYndina
A contest entry
- 3396 Total Points to be awarded: Rounds contest!!!! Final gold winner 1500 points!!!! Round 2! by opaqueangel.
900 points, ended October 10, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrite by Melissa Gayle.
500 points, ended October 10, 2007, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites! by aeolia.
380 points, ended January 19, 2008, 116 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is still a baby - please help me teach it to walk.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Wow! what a ponderous piece, I had to read this a couple of times, new and different each time. nice writing.
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Wonderful job...
I got chills.
This is fan-friggin-Tastic. -
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Thanks.
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Great piece! It's beautifully written, and while I think that some of the words could be more powerful, it's good as it is. You get invisible, nonexistent cookies for using the word "husk," since it's awesome.
Really, great work. This inspires thought... I just love thinking about the situation in this. You intrigue me.
--Cristina -
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I love cookies...I can't say that invisible, nonexistent ones are my absolute favorite, but I'll take what I can get lol. Thanks so much!
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What a striking first image - very nicely done.
I think that perhaps this could be made into two or three stanzas, but that is all personal preference.
"I must surely
drain you to dry husks?"
I didn't care for those lines - but otherwise, this was extremely well done.
Your ending is just as striking and strong as your beginning.
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Thanks for being honest, and I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
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wow interesting way for that particular prompt! Very well thought out. I didn't get it at the beginning but the picture gets clearer at some point.. hehe.
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I think that you have a start for something that could potentially become more intense. It already is a beautiful baby.... I think you have something truly special. Try talking more about her attachment to her navel.. that may help.
Good Luck in the contest!!!!! -
That's too freaky man, I've never even imagined or heard of anything like that, it's almost as if your talking about the carcass of some animal, or some baby having his guts cut out, and maybe the abortion doctor wearing it. I'm going to give it an applause just because it is so freaky!
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Lol, believe me when I say this is more metaphor than literal. No animals or babies were harmed in the process of writing this poem.
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This is powerful . . . the perfect despcription of codependance. I take it this is not literal and not talking about the relationship between mother and child. Is this more of a presentation of two souls sharing one life force? Bellies full and draining to a dry husk; a heart not ready to be given away . . . you say that it still needs work and is not finished. What do you feel is still lacking?
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Thank you, and you're right to think it's not necessarily mother and child. I think mostly I'm unsure about this because of the direction it went, which wasn't my intention (poetry has a mind of it's own), but I'm also not sure I love the ending. Well, the wording of the ending, anyways. I dunno... Anyways, thanks for reading!
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This is awsome!!!! I am not exactly sure how you ment it to be but to me this is almost how i would imagine a confused infant to feel after it looses it's embilical cored. I don't think this is how you mean it but it was awsome! Great luck in round 2!!!!
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