Only a decaying Disneyland,
cosmopolitan colours of cobbled walls
mingle into milky mint of silk ripples;
a cracked painting
filled with optimistic carnations.
No hooked romance slices through these waters;
tarnished motorboats scrape along synthetic canyons,
harnessed to cruel portcullises.
Expectant quiet laps at broken bricks and rust,
lisping whispers hissed at the dormant air.
Distant weathervanes flaunt their flashes of sunlight,
drowning out a howl gagged by cheap lace.
Now left with only her naivety,
she wades through the murky labyrinth,
dragged from the art gallery perfection
that tempted her into those cutthroat corridors.
Squatting in a scabbing iron doorway,
her fatigued eyes stutter closed
as she droops to muddy rest.
Cold Venus swallows her prey.
Author notes
Prompt: her
I was thinking about how boats and cities are given female pronouns and Venice popped into my head... And then the idea of homeless people unable to live in the streets of Venice... And then falling in love with something that you thought was perfect but when you discover the flaws it's too late to un-fall in love... And then the general connection between Venus and Venice and Venus flytraps... And then I wrote this poem.
The first stanza seems like I'm writing about ice cream for some reason...
I used this as a reference: http://eugina.deviantart.com/art/Venezia-65486510
A contest entry
- My Very Own Rounds Contest - Finale by Exodus.
1750 points, ended October 5, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - From Trash to Treasure by star wars fanatic.
1500 points, ended February 22, 2008, 18 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Wow. Your mind, poet, is not one I can begin to describe to connect a piece in this way. Amazing, yet confusing if I had not read your author's notes. Though I am not one to like obvious poems, so this was refreshingly subtle.
As for the critique, that is hard to do for prose. But there was something in the middle paragraph that bothered me. I felt the imagery was amazing, but I needed to HEAR something. As strange as that may sound, I read the piece a few times over and that's definitely what I keep getting from it. Some omnomonopeia, perhaps, or just a couple extra lines of descriptive phrases, something to give it "sound."
So much for a critique, right? Well, I guess you piece was too good. Thank for entering and let mw know when/if you edit by commenting on the contest page. Thx
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Thank you so much for your comment!
I agree, I neglected that sense entirely, thanks for pointing it out!
I'd rather be given one helpful piece of advice than lots of useless ones. Again, thank you very much for helping me improve this, and thanks for the points, trophy and fantastic contest!
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Very nice ..
Very nice indeed. I am a bit dubious about the last line, but otherwise, this is just about perfect.
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Thanks very much! Anything in particular about the last line? I'll have a think about it, it does seem a bit unsatisfying...
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You really captured me from the first line and held my attention through the whole piece. I think you chose your stanza breaks carefully and well.
While the poem as a while was magnificent in imagery and metaphor, there was one line that felt a little stunted; "That so enraptured her."
It feels like it's missing something that's present in the rest of the poem. I can see how it is necessary, and you chose a lovely way to say it, but it still feels shortened.
Other than that, I thought this was an absolutely stunning piece. Thank you
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Thanks so much for your comment. I definitely see what you mean about that line, I will have a think about that... Thanks for hosting a great contest!
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Wow, what a thought process....i love it. I don't know what to say, i critique everything i read but this just left me stunned. Loved it
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Thank you so much!
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