the fool

the affair started innocently enough
i was a lonely boy glued to a cathode tube
god was a father, virginity existed, my name was fred savage.
my wonder years--a sweet escape into schmaltz
i remember crying when it all ended
when reality reared its' ugly head
and the hole i filled desperately
gave birth to sin itself

i brutalized them all in my mind
--television girls
vapid cunts, all a-line dolled-up for ME
and the rabbit hole loomed
another path to destruction
this time through telephone wires

i remember the first time i saw her
his meaty paw poised on her prepubescent breast
she turned her head
and with an angel's bored compassion
accepted the inevitable
as i jerked a stairway to heaven
billions of half-fetuses buried in the hamper.

and somehow,
years later,
some laughing god
delivered her to me
scarred, yet still beautiful
bedroom eyes
and i posessed her
for a time
oh she took me down
to the river, garbage shelter
and i still searched for the flowers
a fool

i remember when i realized
my ideals weren't enough
and all the soft words spoken
all the moments of weakness
were the Great Joke in action
and i--the punchline incarne.
hey, somebody's got to take the fall.

did i deserve it?
with my greed, my lust, my anger?
can redemption really heal
a selfish heart? 
perhaps there is a karma
and i'm tied still to it's wheel
nothing can stop it now, boy
shut up and see your master

now god looks in from time to time
keeps me from punking out
i tried it with a razor, some pills
for the gift of strength i thank him
although i still do hate the bastard.