I have never been across the water,
Nor seen what lies upon the other bank,
They say there is an army ’cross the water,
I hope I never join its massed ranks.
I never want to set eyes on the boat,
Nor its rower who will guide me to shore,
The chord in my head forms a single note,
As I begin to recognise the score.
But now it’s time for me to take death’s hand
And row to the unknown across the sea,
Fight for whatever army rules that land,
Death smiles with love, he knows it’s time for me.
Where death I once feared, now death I embrace,
The time has come, the time to leave this place.
Author notes
15
This is my first proper attempt at writing a sonnet.
A contest entry
- Real Poetry Contest by Oedhel.
525 points, ended October 20, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Write a villanelle, Sonnet or Ode that is not maudlin or erotic. by Lyndon.
800 points, ended October 22, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything you want by fairytalelovestory.
625 points, ended April 11, 2008, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - TEENAGERS - We're not all thick, yeah? #2 by LaurenLightning--x.
730 points, ended May 7, 2008, 42 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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This was beautifully done and I love the form. It was structured perfectly. You have done quite well here. Thank you for sharing this with me and best wishes. Keep that pen handy dear poet.
;F
♥ Touchof1der -
Fight for whatever army rules that land,
Death smiles with love, he knows it’s time for me.
Where death I once feared, now death I embrace,
The time has come, the time to leave this place
this is my favorite part and i really like the flow of your peice. i like the titleand how the last line about death and to get there you would cross that water i hope this helps you insoom way cause i really like this this deff desirved a spot in the contest but keep writing and keep doing sonnets cause your good at them
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nice poem good luck
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Well I actually hate sonnets, mainly because I find iambic pentameter a dull and uninspiring endeavour, rarely done well even by those raved about for talent in it-
and i hate rhyming poetry mostly, even though im guilty of some bad rhyming poetry, because i find to get a rhyme even an assonant one many people restrict their content to a forced and cliched feel
but even i thought this was pretty good for its form, it has what id call a little cliche, but theres something of merit about it
I particularly like the last line -
Wow... thats really deep. It kind of leaves you guessing at first as to who the leigon is, and all that you are talking about. But then it ends up making it really clear, which is always nice. You know, this poem kind of reminds me of a celtic sort of writing, so you did great.
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I like this, it fulfills the title's description quite well, has a classic style but is still modern, removed from too much emotion as a departing soul would be.
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Very nicely done.
I'll say for a 'first proper attempt' this was good. I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert on sonnets so I won't comment on syllable counts and meter etc, I did however enjoy the ideas you presented here.
My favourite part was the first few lines, 'cross the water' made me think of a fairytale like story.
I know we all have our favourite subjects to write about (mine's time), and although it may seem odd to other people, that concept gives you great inspiration. And thanks to that inspiration you created an enjoyble read here.
Thanks for sharing. -
My was that English lesson really so long ago??? how time flies.
Lovely poem, my dear mr Beals star pupil, i see you have made some changes, and they have made it even more powerful.
See you in school on Monday xxxxxxxxxxxx
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I have never written a Sonnet, but I have read many of them. For your first time this is rather very good, you should be proud. I say keep the pen in hand.
loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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Solemnn embracement of common destiny
A fascinating write.
On behalf of the judging panel, I wish you success with this poem.
Lyndon.
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Syllabic count is fine
If you stray from a sonneteer's iambic pentameter, then there needs be a poetic reason. Your rhythm is a bit bumpy or uneven. You may contact the contest's organizer, I guess, if you need more advice.
Dr Derry. -
Results...
Originality: ¾ It’s somewhat original.
Rhythm: 2/4 didn’t flow very well.
Wording: ¾ A little imagery could help.
Ease of Reading: 4/4 despite all else it did read well.
Final Score: 12/16 Nice job.
For a more extensive critique contact me after the close of the contest.
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I like your sonnet. The rhyme is good. You need to pay a little attention to syllables. In line three you have 11 syllables and in line four you have 9. May I suggest that 'They say there is' becomes 'They say there's' and then line four could be 'I hope I never have to join it's ranks'. If you can tighten this up you will have a very good sonnet indeed. Good luck
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thanks for your comment. I've changed the third line, but the fourth line does work - i can't work out how to do the accent thing but if you say mass-ed not massed then it fits well. like shakespearean!
katie
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Real neat poem, i really loved the beginning lines, they were very strong, namely 'I have never been across the water,Nor seen what lies upon the other bank,' because they just sort of hit you, and they can relate to so many things in life. So I read those two lines and fell in love with the poem, then read the rest and I was like okay its fine. It seems as though you wrote those lines and then had to force yourself to think of something to follow. Still good but the poem still sort of faded off to me. Some of the middle lines in your poem, the rhyming seems a bit forced. Nonethless I love the message, and the words are very powerful, it is also presented in a very unique fashion, so overall a great job. Good luck in the contests,and keep writing!
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thankyou for your comment. I had some trouble writing the middle lines - i rewrote them about 4 times, and i'm still not entirely happy with them - so i can understand that they sounded forced.
katie
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Indeed, poems on death and all related things can be dreadfully cliché, but this sonnet has easily avoided that trap. I am particularly glad to see that you have expressed your thoughts on this topic in the form of the sonnet, as it keeps the poem fresh and intriguing. To ramble on for 30+ lines with "deep" words and metaphors can make an already weighted topic too heavy. Lastly, for the mythology nerd in me, to see death represented as a journey across the waters was a joy; the twist with an army waiting on the other side is good as well, for I am sure Charon could use a little excitement.
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I don't usually like poems relating to death, or dying (or sonnets thereof, I'm not all that knowledgable on writing styles/forms/etc).
How-ever this doesn't lament life, only embraces the fact that we all have to face death, and that maybe the inevitble isn't so bad. I'm not sure how to explain, but it's a world apart from the emoesque depressive suicide poetry.
The tone is calm, and the rhythm sits nicely. The rhyme is gentle enough it flows.
I like it, keep penning,
=> Jess
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