ConglomoCorp Technologies Applicant Form #389-A

ConglomoCorp Technologies ~ A Subsidiary of ConglomoCorp Industries
Tainting the world market… with love since 1962.

Hello. Hola. Konnichiwa. Bonjour. Goddag. Ni hao. Guten tag. Shalom. And welcome to ConglomoCorp Technologies. We are pleased to know that you are interested in working with us. By aligning yourself with ConglomoCorp now, you are assuring your safety when the inevitable enslavement of the human race comes. When our army of super robot soldiers take to the streets leaving in their wake a trail of blood and destruction the likes of which has never been seen throughout the annals of recorded history, you and your family will be well protected, toiling in our underground uranium mines. As well, all applicants receive a free ConglomoCorp coffee mug and tote bag.

Positions include full medical and dental, parking space, the right to serve the ConglomoCorp Overlords when the Day of Reckoning is at hand and two weeks paid vacation.

Name (please print): Akito Nineteen

Sex: Not lately, no. There was this one girl though that I was seeing. But when we finally did become intimate and she took her clothes off, I found out she had a… … Oh. Oh! You mean… Oh, sorry. … Male

DOB: June 14, 1972

Age: 35

Race: Caublasiantino

SS#: 000-00-0003

Address: 0001 Cemetery Ridge, Whitechapel, California 90210

Marital Status: Single. … I was going to become a priest and essentially marry myself to Jesus. But Jesus said, “Eww. No, you can’t do that.” … I said, “But if nuns are considered brides of Christ, can’t I like, y’know, become a groom of Christ, or somethin’?” And Jesus replied, “Dude no, that’s just freaky.” … He’s so picky.

Home Phone Number: (666)976-5432

Height: 6’1”

Weight: For what? … No really, what am I weighting for?

Hair Color: Green

Eye Color: Brown

Distinguishing Mark(s): three superfluous nipples, port wine stain birth mark in the shape of Andy Griffith on my ass and several bullet scars from a Christian rodeo gone terribly wrong.

Super Power(s): Lightning fast waffle making and the ability to incite political fervor in hamsters.

School Girl Crush(es): Ricky Shroder and ex-Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger (he was dreamy).

Additional Skill(s): Fluent Esperanto. I’ve also been told I turn slacking off into an art form.

Hobbies and Interests: I collect Hummel figurines and celebrity autopsy photos.


Schooling
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The Michael Jackson Neverland School for Boys ~ 1986 to 1989
Harvard University ~ 1989 to 1990
Miss Rita’s Hollywood School of Hair and Nail Design ~ 1990 to 1993

Previous Work Experience
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Job: Republican Party Internet Recreational Liaison ~ January 2002 to April 2007
Reason(s) for leaving job: Quit. After all that Foley business, my boys just couldn’t make any more money.

Job: Lead Assistant at the Saint Louis Galleria Mall Build-A-Bear Workshop ~ November 1997 to August 2001
Reason(s) for leaving job: After ingesting a bad egg salad sandwich I suffered a bout of temporary psychosis and replaced the cloth hearts with actual pig hearts. I was subsequently fired.

Job: Underwear model for Field & Stream Lingerie Edition ~ August 1996 to March 1997
Reason(s) for leaving job: Quit with the hopes of going on a trip with my Heaven’s Gate friends, but I couldn’t afford the sneakers.

Job: Administrator for the Oregon State School for the Deaf ~ February 1994 to May 1996
Reason(s) for leaving job: I got tired of shouting.

Medical Afflictions
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Fallen Arches
Susceptible to Stockholm Syndrome

Criminal Record
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1995 – Two counts of drunken sledding.
1999 – Operating an elevator without a license.
2004 – Endangerment of a lumberjack.
(All charges are currently being contested.)

…

How would you describe your personality? – When it comes to my personality I tend to rely on some advice my mother once gave me. She said, “Just smile and try to look pretty.”

Would you be willing to consent to a drug test? – Yes. But uh… should it come back positive, keep in my mind I eat a LOT of poppy seed muffins. … Yeah, that’s it.

Would you be willing to consent to a physical? – Yes, but I would like to choose the doctor. After the last work physical I took I found out being probed by your employer with a flashlight wasn’t customary.

What do you think you have to offer the ConglomoCorp Industries family? – On slow days I can entertain everyone by playing the spoons. I also make rice crispy squares.

Have you previously been part of any organization, militia, group, club, collection or sewing circle bent on world domination? – Once on a family vacation when I was a kid, my younger brother and I claimed the Grand Canyon as our own. Despite help from our Russian arms supplier though, our reign only lasted seventeen days. But I truly believe if we had succeeded, it would have been our foothold in eventually taking North America.

In the event of being captured by federal agents, would you be willing to swallow a cyanide tablet before they can question you? – Sure. … What does that do? Is it for headache relief or something?

If a person who creates art is an artist and a person who plays the piano is a pianist and a person who writes novels is a novelist, why isn’t a person who races cars a racist? – Well linguistically, ‘race’ when defined in terms of lineage stems from the Old Italian ‘razza’. Though the true definition of the word ‘race’ is disputed not only by the law, but from a medical and scientific standpoint as well. Many see it as an archaic term, working in unfair or inapplicable ideals. Now 'race', in terms of a competition where…

You didn’t think we were serious, did you? – Um… … … no.


Thank you for applying with ConglomoCorp Technologies.

ConglomoCorp Technologies ~ A Subsidiary of ConglomoCorp Industries
Facing the future… while completely ignoring the past.