Chain, chain, chain
Dirt, gravel, grime
Bleed, bleed, bleed
Pain shouldn't rhyme
Stare, stare, stare
Twitch, shake, run
Eyes, mouth, mind
flinch, flinch, flinch
Insanity shouldn't rhyme
Cold, cold, cold
Gasp, shake, fall
Burn, swell, tear
Shout, blink, cry
Wet, wet, wet
Sadness shouldn't rhyme
Grab, grab, grab
Hold, punch, throw
Kick, touch, rip
Bound, stuck, time
Hands, mouth, hips
Rape shouldn't rhyme
Author notes
M'kay, first off: the irony of the first stanza is intentional. Pain shouldn't rhyme, but I used the ABCB rhyme scheme to reinforce my point.
The point is that people shouldn't try to made pain, sadness, etc appeal to the reader. It shouldn't make the reader bob along with the rhythm or repeat rhyme schemes in their head. It should shock and hurt them; get them to start thinking.
The stanzas get longer not because any topic is more important, but because it disrupts the rhythm. You can't read it sing-song if it has no discernible flow.
Constructive critisism is encouraged!
Comments
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holy shit.
this is so simple at first glance, but there is a lot here. I like it a lot. Especially your ending.
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Thank you! I'm glad to have critique from people who appreciate the concept. There are a lot of comments that baffled me, such as being accused of being "vague." Seriously, what the hell. ><
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This is really intelligent
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Great points made here!
I completely get your use of that first stanza. It's definitely true. You can't make pain rhyme just because you want people to read it. I don't. I write what pops in my head to put down. If it rhymes, okay, if not, oh well.
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I do like the structure though I don't think the phonemes suit this type of piece. So many "ee" and "i" sounds make it light, whimsical, even a little too blaring. Have you tried strating with lighter sounding words and just sticking with gutural vowel sounds towards the end?
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and yet it does
i confess i cant decide if i like this or not... i l9ove the idea of it, the theory... but im not sure if i like the finished product... still full points plus a bonus for creativity
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the title is very appropriate because the subject matter doesn't necessarily give into rhyme - violence is abrupt and not sing-song. however, the way you made it sing-song with the wording is interesting because I think that is how one is able to cope with trauma. excellent work.
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When I got to the end it gave me a kick... It was like a cold chill came over me. I understand what you're saying, more than you know. I guess I rhyme my pain as it's the only way I know how. Regardless, I appreciate what you're trying to say about the way these things are viewed.
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Verbs = powerful. Gren likey.
I don't like the centering, I think it's lazy. But. I like the rest. "Bound, stuck, time" is my favorite line, 'cause I see a lot of layers in that. Sticks out to me through the hard-hitting blatancy of most of the other lines.
I can't actually think of anything better to do than center it all because of the verbal structure, on reconsideration. So maybe I lied about that part.
"While this was .... very original... I really don't think I understand your point... something this vague should at least have some elaboration in the author's notes eh?" Boggles the mind. If you wanted to tell the entire story, you'd write a flipping story. Poetry is illustration of the important moments. If someone can't pull some meaning out of this, either your meaning or one of their own, they should just stick to Hallmark cards. You did good. -
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Grenadine
I REALLY appreciated your comment. It astounded me how that reader thought it was "vague." I write this type of stuff for people with more than half a brain; people like you. I agree with the structure, though. I could either align it to the left, or center it. I stuck with centering to make up for the lack of mass.
I also agree with the hallmark statement. Why would I write a poem if I wanted to be precise and direct? If I wanted to explain, in depth, my feelings about the topics, I would write an essay. But then who would read it?
Then again, who pays attention to my rants?..
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"I write this type of stuff for people with more than half a brain; people like you." I told a lot of people today that their poems were not very good, and they are all inclined to disagree with you on the matter of me having more than half a brain.
Hmm, who WOULD read that? Maybe the commenter who previously accused you of being vague, and maybe some of the people who are mad at me now.
I saved some of my best comment quotes on my author page. I bet you'd laugh.
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Excellent.. this is a very differnt way of writing, and it looked so wow! this was very powerful and very very well-written..great job..love and cheers, shuvi
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I am not quite sure of the bottom line of this , nor your intentions and or message. But I must say that no matter what they are you chose quite a creative way to present them.
reenie
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We all have our points of view
But the pain of a sorrow
That stays 'til tomorrow
Is the same sort of crime
In blank verse or rhyme
We still stand agape
At the horror of rape
Its still the same crime
In blank verse or rhyme
Staring blankly at a wall
The awful bleakness of it all
Insanity's no worse
In rhyme or blank verse
Pain pain pain
I will say it again
It doesn't matter the way
It matters WHAT you say.
Having got that over with the shorter verse for pain and insanity seem to be lessening them with respect to the others, and if you want to say it shouldn't rhyme you probably want to avoid the ABCB rhyme scheme for the first stanza.
The mixture of repetition and variation is good, and the lines flow well. But rhymed would be better of course :-)
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This really hits home and if read properly the repetition of the words made the action very real indeed. The end has great impact. Thank you for sharing this piece.
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ummmmmm... yep. it hits hard.
i just love the way you made something so real, even though we always act like it doesn't matter or that it's got nothing to do with us.
i loved it.
cyanide for the soul (it burns, baby, it burns).
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While this was .... very original... I really don't think I understand your point... something this vague should at least have some elaboration in the author's notes eh?
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This made me quite uncomfortable. Its beautifully written, but the descriptions of those subjects made me squirm.
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Different, yes, but not my cup of tea. The repeition was a bit much for me. Didn't want to click the feature without commenting, sorry I didn't have something more positive to say. Write on poet.
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Lost for words
The early part of this is cool,love the demented Dr. seusse feel, It is written very well! As others said it has great flow.. The ending is Powerful but hit me with hard sickness. Very Good poem,Very well written, A fantastic twist on emotion..The ending for so many reasons just makes me crawl inside..
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wow this is so cool ive never seen a poem written like this but omg u did so good
i love the end... man this is a great peice
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Excellent flow and has a wonderful beat to it!...Very powerful words of truth you have penned...Hits me right where it counts and leaves a after taste of sadness...Very good and thank you much for sharing
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love the repetitive, yet not, feel of this piece. I agree so strongly with this. Rhyme, in my opinion, almost always pulls the power out of the piece. Stopping the flow to find a rhyme almost always disrupts the feeling. This was strong and angry the whole way through. Gave me chills. I LOVE it!
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Strong point made in these rhyming lines - liked the brevity, the flow and the vivid visual images these lines bring to mind when reading - terrible images about rape and the way women are treated during this act.
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Definitely different. The single syllables and droaning rhythm really hammer out the angry tone and drive home the message. Going beyond that your word choice was excellent for each stanza's theme. Very powerful and artfully crafted.
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yes yes yes
powerfully written
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Holy Wow
Wow. I really love the rythme. I really enjoy the syle! This is brilliant. I really, really loved this!
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