When you gulp like that
in the early of morning
your Adam’s apple speaks
louder than you ever do
in a voice like the animals
before they were named.
We’ve always had more
hunger than prudence, and
though my roots are strong,
I know we can’t stay here
forever. You told me once
that I taste like the cherries
on a tall naked branch in a
corner of our green garden,
but even though I took the
first bite, borne of temptation,
you’re the one who never knew
to stop when you were overfull.
You still can’t tell the difference
between fruit that’s ripe
and fruit that’s ready, and
your neck isn’t the first place
for Adam and his apples.
Author notes
I'm actually not sure if this one is ready to be posted, but I feel stuck. So if anyone wants to lend some constructive criticism, I welcome it gladly. Something about lines 7 and 8 doesn't love me...
A contest entry
- AllPoetry Extravaganza--3 Month Gold and Silver Membership by Violet Moodswing.
1500 points, ended November 28, 2007, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is still a baby - please help me teach it to walk.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Some constructive criticism? The first line, "When you gulp like that in the early of morning..." struck me as a little awkward Maybe changing the language in the "early of morning" part might help because it doesn't really seem to fit the language of the rest of the piece. Other than that, beautiful! One of the first genuine, inspired poems I've come across on this site,
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Thanks and I'm glad you liked it!
I agree...I'm not quite sure how I feel about those first two lines...I've tried a couple other versions that I like even less lol. I think I need to keep playing with them and eventually something will work. Thanks!
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A wonderful use of the prompt. Temptation spoken through the throat, but not with words. Great flow to it. I love the descriptiveness in this. Keep up the good work, and good luck in the contest
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I came across this totally by accident and I am glad that I did. This is amazing. Truly I enjoyed this read. Very unique and well written...
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I'm glad you enjoyed it, espcially since it was a bugger to write lol.
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I don't mind lines 7 & 8 but maybe it would flow better if it said 'we have tasted prudence far more than hunger' just a thought. I thoroughly enjoyed the way you took the prompt and how it culminated. Love, C
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I liked this entry in the contest well done and best of luck to you
delila
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I do not know how you went from the positive image of temptation of him to not knowing the difference between fruit that is ripe and fruit that is not ready. Something is missing between those two sections - there is a bridge you need to build there. I need to tell you though that I love thefollowing lines - they are exquisite:
"You told me once
that I taste like the cherries
on a tall naked branch in a
corner of our green garden"
Maybe I have not given you the best advice but I need to know why there is a tender love and this turns sour in the end.
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